PMT DB
PMT DB
Football is back, and the PMT studio immediately returned to its natural habitat: overreacting to one Sunday while insisting it is not overreacting. There was a 59-point Bears explosion, a Packers collapse so familiar it felt haunted, Jets fans briefly experiencing joy, and enough quarterback discourse to make Jim Harbaugh's “greatest ever” prediction sound almost reasonable. Almost.
Bills, Lions And The Early Slate
The Bills-Texans opener delivered exactly what everyone wanted: Josh Allen playing like a quarterback who has stopped thinking and started operating on instinct, with Buffalo surviving a heavyweight fight in Houston. Hank was ready to crown them immediately.
HankThe Bills are the AFC team to beat
Josh Allen's in his prime, they looked unbelievable. They're gonna be probably the team to beat in the AFC.
The Lions-Saints game started as a punishment, then Tyler Shuck remembered he was Tyler Shuck and turned it into a 410-yard comeback attempt. PFT awarded New Orleans the best loss of the week after the Saints came back from down 21-0, forced overtime, and then missed the two-point conversion that would have finished the job. The whole game was also an education in a rule nobody knew existed, as Jared Goff appeared to fumble the ball backward, only for the officials to explain that he was trying to throw it forward. The entire studio felt personally gaslit by football.
Cincinnati supplied the other big early takeaway. The Bengals forced four fumbles, scored 24 points off them, and won despite Jamar Chase catching two passes for 12 yards. Zac saw the warning sign for the rest of the AFC.
ZacThe Bengals are a scary team now
The Bengals are gonna be a scary, scary team.
Caleb Williams Gets The Keys
The Bears scoring 59 points was not on anyone's bingo card, especially not a franchise that had not scored two first-quarter touchdowns since 1988. Caleb Williams looked calm, explosive, and completely comfortable in Ben Johnson's offense. DeAndre Swift ran for three touchdowns, Kyle Monangai brought the hammer late, and Chicago piled up 291 rushing yards while Caleb added two scores on the ground.
The defense remains a problem, which is the only reason Big Cat did not immediately begin planning the Super Bowl parade. Everything else, however, was enough to turn him into a full Ben Johnson believer.
Big CatThe Bears' offense may be record-breaking under Ben Johnson
Ben Johnson said, 'We're trying to break the record,' and so far, obviously small sample size, one game, good start.
That quickly escalated from “good offensive debut” to surrendering all personal agency to the head coach.
Big CatI am giving Ben Johnson total control
I will hand over all free will and thought and just give it to him and be like, whatever you say, I will just do whatever you decide. I will say, yes, that was the correct decision.
The mustache, the aura, the 21-mile-per-hour quarterback runs: Caleb has officially entered the phase where every Bears highlight feels like evidence of a new national religion. The Panthers, meanwhile, were left wondering why a fan had declared Bryce Young significantly better than Caleb during the first quarter, before the tweet aged like milk in direct sunlight.
Jets Joy And Titans Despair
Memes finally got a stress-free Sunday. The Jets went into Nashville, bullied the Titans, protected Geno Smith, ran the ball well, and scored an opening-drive touchdown for the first time since 2016. New York is not suddenly a Super Bowl team, but it has separated itself from the absolute bottom of the league, which is a meaningful accomplishment for the Jets.
Cam Ward, on the other hand, looked like a rookie quarterback trapped in a terrible situation. PFT wants him to succeed, likes his personality, and is increasingly concerned that he may not actually be the guy.
PFT CommenterCam Ward may not be the guy
I want Cam Ward to be better than he is because he seems like he's locked in. He's a good story. I don't know if he's gonna be the guy or not. I want him to be. But every week I feel like I get further and further from thinking that he is.
The Titans fan base was not merely sad. Big Cat argued that Tennessee fans had reached a deeper level of football depression than even Cleveland, the point where anger has evaporated and only numbness remains.
Big CatThe Titans have the NFL's most depressed fan base
Are the Titans the most depressed fan base right now? Currently? Yeah, because, like, I know the Browns obviously are always in the conversation. But I think the Titans' fan base might be so depressed that they're just kind of stuck in that they're just numb and they're like, well, this sucks. I don't feel anything.
PFT and Big Cat then turned the Dolphins-Titans schedules into a race to see who can win a game first. Big Cat picked Tennessee before November. PFT gave Miami November 1, because the Dolphins always beat the Patriots at home. This is now a calendar event.
The Packers Find A New Way To Collapse
Green Bay led Minnesota 22-10 with three minutes left in the third quarter, outgained the Vikings 419-239, and still lost 39-22. That takes real commitment. The Packers gave away points, missed chances, got swallowed by Brian Flores' blitzes, and then watched the game become an avalanche.
PFT's diagnosis was even more damning: this is not just bad luck or one questionable decision by Matt LaFleur. The Packers keep getting one bad thing happening, then another, then another, until the entire game is gone.
PFT CommenterThe Packers have a mental-toughness problem
It does feel like the Packers lack that mental toughness. Maybe the answer is that when Michael Parsons comes back, you get a closer who can end these games, but it does feel like these games get away from them with just one bad thing happens and then next thing you know it's an avalanche.
Justin Jefferson scored twice after having only two touchdowns all of last season, while Carson Wentz did just enough to make the statistical box score look like a prank. Green Bay fans have now watched the same movie six times in a row, and the ending keeps getting worse.
Chargers, Eagles And A Very Loud Herbert Prediction
The Cardinals walked into Los Angeles and dismantled the Chargers 26-14, with Jacoby Brissett scrambling effectively, Arizona winning all three phases, and Justin Herbert spending too much of the afternoon running an offense that averaged 12.4 yards to go on third down. It was the kind of loss that makes a schedule look like a threat.
Big CatThe Chargers had the worst loss of Week 1
The Chargers. I think it is, given their schedule upcoming, everything that's going on... You gotta win that game at home. You gotta win that game every single time.
Then came the clip from Jim Harbaugh, who had apparently decided that normal preseason quarterback encouragement was for cowards.
Jim HarbaughJustin Herbert will be the greatest quarterback ever
Justin Herbert, when it's all said and done, when his career comes to an end, I predict he will be known as the greatest, best ever to play the position of quarterback.
The statement was so bold that even PFT had to concede Herbert's window for becoming the greatest ever may already be getting tight. Big Cat's advice was simple: let Harbaugh cook and see where the meal ends up.
Philadelphia survived Washington 24-22 in a game where Jalen Hurts looked decisive as a runner, the Eagles' offensive line looked surprisingly shaky, and Tyler Owens delivered one of the best special-teams plays of the day by stiff-arming two blockers before finishing with a spinebuster. Max was ready to revoke Philadelphia's automatic offensive-line crown.
PFT, meanwhile, liked the Commanders' new defensive identity and decided their entire season could be projected from the first drive.
That is either analysis or a cry for help. The Commanders did show real promise blitzing Jalen Hurts, though, and PFT believes the defense may be average or better after being unwatchable last year.
Who's Back: Ballmer, The Civil War And Cross-Sport Lies
Hank awarded Who's Back of the Week to Steve Ballmer, specifically because Ballmer had finally stopped fighting the Clippers' punishment and started apologizing. The verdict was immediate.
PFT gave the honor to the Civil War after Kansas released a rivalry video built around the historical fact that Kansas and Missouri really, really hated each other. Missouri responded by beating Kansas, which is the only acceptable ending to a hype video that essentially says, “Your state liked slavery.”
Zac then delivered a sweeping ruling on hockey players, golf, and every other sport, while Kevin Durant quietly made the strongest case yet for a football side career by throwing a perfect spiral. The Kuck brothers, unfortunately, provided the counterevidence.
Week 1 is complete. The Bears are either terrifying, the Packers are either finished, and the Jets are either ahead of schedule or about to lose seven straight. Finally, football is back.
