PMT DB
PMT DB
Week 5 delivered exactly the kind of football Sunday that makes the Sickos and Perverts proud: an Eagles collapse in London, a tie so poorly managed it felt fictional, the Bears getting pantsed in Green Bay, and Drake Maye turning into the quarterback Hank has been waiting for his entire life. Big Cat, PFT, Max, Memes, Zac, and Hank went game by game through the wreckage, with plenty of time left over to diagnose Ben Simmons' jump shot and the future of human-versus-robot combat.
Eagles Lose the Impossible Game
Max's Eagles had the Jaguars dead. They were underdogs, played good defense, survived a chaotic game, and kicked a field goal with eight seconds left to supposedly win it. Then Jake Elliott sent a line drive directly to Amir Abdullah, who returned it into Cam Little's range. No timeouts. Eight seconds. A perfect nightmare.
Big Cat pointed out that two games ending with field goals inside the final 10 seconds had happened in the entire Super Bowl era before this season. Now it has happened twice in 2026, because apparently the NFL's new official rule is that nobody is allowed to simply end a football game normally.
Big CatThe Eagles blew a historic late-game situation
From 1970, the Super Bowl era, to 2026, it had never happened where there were two field goals under 10 seconds to end a game. It's now happened twice in the 2026 NFL season.
Max was not interested in calling it bad luck. He delivered a furious instructional video on the revolutionary concept of kicking the ball out of the end zone and trusting Jalen Carter and the defense to stop one desperate play.
MaxThe Eagles should have trusted their defense and kicked it out of the end zone
You just kick it out of bounds. You kick it into the end zone. All you have to do at that point is defend the sideline. Anything in play is game over. And the defense has been so fucking good all game. Why are you overthinking it? Just fucking do it. Put the ball in the fucking end zone and trust your fucking defense.
The Eagles' second-half offense also remains a crime scene. Max described a team that looks like a real football team for two quarters, then turns into a peewee squad that has never seen a huddle before. Nick Sirianni will once again be at the podium explaining that he needs to look in the mirror, prompting PFT to suggest that Sirianni needs either a better mirror or fewer mirrors.
The Commanders Lose a Tie
Washington and the Giants produced the most Commanders ending imaginable. Jayden Daniels got to the Giants' 24-yard line in overtime with no timeouts, took his time, ran a play that looked like a fake handoff to nobody, dove at a defender, and then sat on the field while the clock continued to exist.
PFT split the blame 75/25 between Daniels and Dan Quinn, but admitted Quinn will probably be the one eating it. The larger problem was that Washington had already punted on fourth-and-five in overtime, a decision PFT labeled the most cowardly punt of the season. The Giants later fumbled away their own winning position, only for Washington to immediately return the favor by forgetting how clocks work.
PFT CommenterJayden Daniels deserves most of the blame for the tie-ending brain fart
On the last play, without us knowing everything, I'm gonna say 75% Jayden, 25% Dan Quinn. Now who's gonna end up eating shit for it? Probably Dan Quinn.
The tie was so bad that PFT still thinks Washington can win the NFC East, mostly because the division is apparently being held together with duct tape and bad situational football.
PFT CommenterThe Commanders can still win the NFC East
Strictly from how we played today, taking away that very last-second brain fart, I think that we still could, because the division is ass.
The Bears Get Punked in Green Bay
Big Cat's Bears went into Lambeau looking like the team that had spent the offseason feeling good about itself. The Packers looked like the team that had spent the offseason thinking about nothing except revenge. Jordan Love threw bombs, Christian Watson was everywhere, and Chicago was down 130-9 in the first quarter before anyone had time to emotionally prepare.
Tyson Bagent did not help. Big Cat was done trying to pretend the backup could make throws he simply cannot make, while also begging for Caleb Williams to get healthy. The Bears defense, meanwhile, got a firsthand demonstration of what happens when the opposing quarterback is capable of throwing the ball over the top.
Big CatTyson Bagent is not an NFL quarterback
Tyson Bagent, not an NFL quarterback. I think we could be done with that.
The verdict was not that the Bears' season is over. It was that this particular game should be burned so thoroughly that nobody can ever find the tape again. The problem is that Atlanta is next, Caleb's status is uncertain, and the defense still has to prove it can survive a good offense without pretending Carson Wentz and Gino Smith are measuring sticks.
Drake Maye Is Very Much Back
Hank got his perfect Sunday. The Jets won, the Patriots destroyed the Raiders 45-17, and Drake Maye played the best game of his young career while the 2001 Patriots were honored in Foxborough. The deep ball was working, the protection held up, and the entire afternoon had the unmistakable feel of a franchise discovering that its quarterback might actually be good.
Hank called Maye perfect. PFT went even further, handing him the MVP label with the only reasonable qualifier: keep playing like this.
PFT CommenterIf Drake Maye keeps playing like this, he is the MVP
He was perfect. The deep ball was magical. Everything was great. He played awesome. I have absolutely zero criticism of Drake Maye this week. He looked like, if he plays like this, he is the MVP.
Big Cat did develop one new gambling doctrine from the game: Kirk Cousins is an indoor cat. Outdoor Kirk looked old, uncomfortable, and generally like he had just been informed that the thermostat was broken.
Big CatKirk Cousins cannot be bet outdoors
I think we just can't bet Kirk Cousins outdoors anymore. I think he's an indoor cat.
Jets Fever, Cam Ward Panic
Memes called the Jets' 17-12 win over Cleveland a historic victory, which is exactly the kind of sentence that becomes dangerous when it is said with a straight face. Aaron Glenn blitzed Deshaun Watson into the rain, David Bailey lived in the backfield, and Braylon Allen supplied the late touchdown that kept New York from doing what New York usually does in that spot.
Memes immediately put the Jets at 3-3 with control of the AFC East, while Hank made it clear that losing to New York would end the Patriots season psychologically and possibly require changing the name of the franchise. This is how rivalry week should feel, especially when one team is already discussing using the other team's every available orifice as part of the wager.
MemesThe Jets control their destiny in the division
If you win the game, you're three and three. The Patriots are three and three. You control your own destiny in the division.
The Titans, meanwhile, lost 26-3 to Houston and made Cam Ward look like a quarterback trapped inside a slow-motion loading screen. Big Cat is already looking toward the next draft for Tennessee's next answer, which is a fairly brutal conclusion after five games.
Big CatThe Titans should already be looking for another quarterback
I'm not saying not playing Cam Ward this year, but you have to look elsewhere. Next year might be, let's draft a quarterback.
The 49ers Look Like the Team
San Francisco survived a turnover festival against Seattle and still came away 5-0. Mike Evans kept making enormous catches, Brock Purdy had enough help around him to avoid needing to be perfect, and the defense looked like it had decided the Seahawks were not allowed to have a clean drive.
PFT made the obvious but still spicy declaration: the 49ers are the best team in football. The roster argument is compelling. Quarterback, running back, receiver, tight end, left tackle, linebacker, coaching, and now Mike Evans looking like the biggest guy on the field every time the ball is in the air. The only real counterargument is the traditional San Francisco one: please stay healthy.
PFT CommenterThe 49ers are the best team in football
I think the 49ers are the best team in football.
Who's Back, and Who Is Fighting Robots?
Who's Back began with Hank discovering that Michael Brennan won in Japan and then immediately admitting he had stopped watching. It moved to the Celtics, where Hank finally allowed the possibility that Jalen Brown and Jayson Tatum might not be best friends after all. This was a significant development in Hank's long-running campaign to insist that everything with Boston is fine.
PFT then watched a few preseason clips and decided Ben Simmons' jump shot might be back. The evidence included a made free throw, which is exactly the sort of foundation on which a responsible basketball prediction should be built.
Big Cat's baseball segment covered the White Sox striking out 75 times in 45 innings and watching a surprisingly fun season end in the most painful possible way. Jose Ramirez hit a home run off what appeared to be his shoelace, while Big Cat argued that this entire competitive-but-not-quite-good-enough season was precisely the sort of thing Jerry Reinsdorf dreams about.
The show closed by considering a robot-versus-human fight league. PFT proposed equal human and robot representation on the governing board, then everyone watched a very large robot throw spinning elbows while asking the obvious question: why are we teaching the robots how to fight us?
The Eagles lost a game they had already won, the Commanders tied a game they had already won, and Max may soon be taking ownership of Memes' suspiciously tiny chair. Just another perfectly normal Monday at PMT.
