PMT DB
PMT DB
The Buccaneers finally got on the board, and they did it by turning the Cowboys defense into a 40-minute hostage situation. Tampa Bay controlled the ball, Bucky Irving ran like his shoes were on fire, and Jalen Daniels looked considerably more like a quarterback than he did last week. Zac's hope tank went from 5% to three-quarters full, which is the sort of emotional whiplash that makes being a Bucs fan feel like a full-time job.
Dallas, meanwhile, got exactly what PFT thought Dallas was going to get: a nationally televised reminder that the Cowboys are still the Cowboys.
PFT CommenterThe Cowboys are an extremely flawed football team
If you follow the Cowboys for any period of time, you know that this is gonna happen. This is Dallas football. There's a 31-year track record of it happening again and again. They're gonna look awesome, people are gonna say, 'Oh, maybe this is the year for the Cowboys,' and then you're gonna realize, 'Oh yeah, this is an extremely flawed football team.'
The defense could not tackle, could not get off the field, and could not stop a five-yard run from becoming a spiritual experience. Big Cat even felt bad for Cowboys fans, right before enjoying Jerry Jones' suite meltdown and mourning the missing footage of a sad child in giant jean shorts. The Cowboys losing without a traditional crying-fan camera shot was practically a broadcast error.
Playoff Baseball, With Extra Yankees Slander
The Yankees were eliminated, which gave Big Cat a chance to deliver a take that has been aging in a locked room with no water.
Big CatThe Yankees are a joke
The Yankees are a joke. All they do is get to the ALDS or ALCS, and then we have a bunch of our coworkers who are diehard Yankees fans tweet helplessly saying, 'You need to change everything. You need to trade. Blow it up. Get rid of Cashman, get rid of Boone.' And nothing changes.
PFT countered with an even more disrespectful Braves take, claiming Atlanta's best version was the 2021 team without Ronald Acuña Jr. The Braves going 1-for-23 with runners in scoring position did not exactly file an appeal. The Dodgers and Brewers are now lined up for an NLCS that has everything: the Dodgers' endless supply of October heroes, Milwaukee's relentless pressure, and Big Cat declaring the whole thing the real World Series.
Big CatThe Dodgers-Brewers NLCS is the real World Series
The Dodgers and Brewers—best two teams in the NL all season long—going head to head. This is the real World Series.
The Guardians-White Sox series also delivered a proper playoff baseball mess, featuring a hit-by-pitch directly to a cheek, a kickball at second, and a bullpen that appeared to be running on fumes. Rate Field looked intimidating. Cleveland simply declined to be intimidated.
Week 5: Hope, Delusion, and the Bears
The Eagles being seven-and-a-half-point underdogs gave Max the rare gift of being freed from expectations. Philadelphia can now win as a scrappy underdog, lose because it is rebuilding, or do both in the same afternoon. PFT was more interested in the Jaguars, while Big Cat tried to explain that the Eagles are in a soft rebuild, a phrase Max immediately accepted as a personal liberation.
The Bears-Packers game got the full rivalry treatment, including Ben Johnson's AI-generated Coke-can video and a philosophical debate about whether a bowling ball covered in knives could be thrown. PFT then went well beyond “I like the Bears” territory.
PFT CommenterThe Bears are a legitimate Super Bowl-caliber team
I full-on believe in the Jaguars now. And the Bears—watching what Ben Johnson's done with backup quarterbacks tells me that he's got it, he's got it going on. ... I think that the Bears are a legitimate Super Bowl-caliber team right now.
That opinion is based on Ben Johnson making backup quarterbacks look functional, which is the highest compliment a Bears coach can receive. It also came with the usual warning that Chicago's defense may turn any fourth-quarter lead into a group project.
The Dolphins, mercifully, received an award for doing a tank job the right way. They are bad, young, and somehow not completely joyless. Big Cat separated the team from the betting number, which is exactly how a team can be awful and still remain interesting to gamblers.
Big CatThe Dolphins can cover spreads north of seven points
They're a bad football team that could cover spreads north of seven.
Other Week 5 highlights included PFT insisting Brian Flores deserves another head-coaching job, a Vikings offense that has nowhere left to go but up, and a Falcons team Big Cat believed was ripe for a sell-high spot. Hank, riding the Patriots' win over Buffalo like it was already a division-clinching parade, had a slightly more ambitious view of New England's future.
HankThe Patriots will own the AFC East
If we win this game, it's gonna feel like the division's ours. ... It'll be ours to lose.
The picks themselves included Chargers plus the points, Bears minus the points, Eagles plus seven-and-a-half, and multiple Browns-Jets weather plays. The forecast was so ugly that the under became less of a wager and more of a weather report.
Anthony Rizzo, Marathon Runner
Anthony Rizzo arrived in studio with a World Series ring, a Cubs legacy, and the horrifying new identity of “runner.” He is running the Chicago Marathon, which means he has spent weeks telling people he is running a marathon and will soon be wearing the 26.2 sticker like it is a second championship ring. His strategy is simple: run as fast as possible, stop for pictures, and use the pictures as an excuse for whatever the final time is.
Rizzo gave the Dodgers the edge over Milwaukee, but identified the one way the Dodgers can be beaten: their banged-up starters need to go deep enough to keep the bullpen from becoming a crime scene.
Anthony RizzoThe Dodgers are too good, but their pitching is the weakness
I think the Dodgers are too good. ... Their pitching is banged up. That's their one kind of Achilles, especially their starters. If their starters can't go deep, it just puts a lot of pressure on their bullpen.
He also gave the Rays one of the best compliments a baseball organization can get. Struggling pitchers should want to go to Tampa Bay, struggling hitters should want to go to Los Angeles, and apparently baseball development is just a very expensive version of going to the right mechanic.
Anthony RizzoThe Rays are baseball's model small-market organization
It's almost like a known thing in the league: if you're a struggling pitcher, you want to get to the Rays organization, they'll fix you. It's that good. And if you're a struggling hitter, you wanna go to the Dodgers organization, they'll fix you.
The most revealing part of the interview was Rizzo explaining how much hitting is still being adjusted at the major league level. Even veterans are constantly changing tiny pieces of their swing, which makes the phrase “just hit the ball” sound even more insulting than usual.
Anthony RizzoA hitter can make 50 to 70 adjustments in a season
I'd probably say, this might sound crazy, like 50 to 70. That's nuts. I mean, you're always tweaking, right? You're always messing with things. Your hands don't feel right.
Then came the hit-by-pitch portion of the program. Rizzo proudly described himself as the all-time left-handed leader in getting plunked, explained why he would move closer after being hit early by a division rival, and recalled taking 98 from Aroldis Chapman in the forearm before staying in and hitting a double. Most hitters move away from danger. Rizzo moved toward it and called that a strategy.
The 2016 Cubs Still Have Ghosts
Rizzo's best story came when PFT asked about the curse talk surrounding the 2016 Cubs. Rajai Davis' home run in Game 7 briefly convinced Rizzo that the curse was not just fan fiction.
Anthony RizzoThe 2016 Cubs curse felt real after Rajai Davis' home run
When Rajai Davis hit that home run, I sat in there at first base and I go, 'This fucking curse is real. What the hell happened?'
That was before Trevor Bauer's drone accident, which Rizzo credited as helpful, and before his father tried to bring a goat into Wrigley to reverse the curse. The Cubs eventually won, but apparently the supernatural department remained heavily involved.
Fyre Fest of the Week
PFT walked back accusing Chef Donny of cheating at golf, mostly because a nine-hole video was about to come out and the evidence could now be submitted to the court of public opinion. The episode then became an advertisement for two different golf videos, with Hank and Donny apparently operating under a rules system that changes depending on who is holding the scorecard.
Glen Tape Watch delivered his Week 4 awards from the lab, awarded Drake Maye a “Come Player of the Year” trophy, and declared the Bills frauds with the confidence of a man who had personally reviewed every snap in the league.
Zac's own Fyre Fest was less metaphorical: his apartment is being invaded by mystery water from above and the right side, leaving his shower pre-wet by another man's plumbing. He was less concerned about the leak than the fact that someone else was using his wet before he could.
The episode closed with numbers, birthdays, and the realization that Big Cat and PFT are now older than Matt Stafford. The Cowboys may be broken, the Bears may be Super Bowl-caliber, and Rizzo may actually finish the marathon, but the real ticking clock is Big Cat trying to eat shredded wheat without turning his life into six bathroom trips a day.
