J.J. Watt being healthy is the official sign that football is back

you know football is back because there's a lot of buzz about J.J. Watt not being injured... J.J. Watt being like, is this the year that J.J. Watt can stay healthy all year? That means football is officially back.

The Hall of Fame game becomes absolute dog shit after the first five minutes

I'm excited for the Hall of Fame game. My dumb brain tricks my dumb body into getting all amped up for the Hall of Fame game. And then I forget that after the first five minutes of the game, it's just absolute dog shit.

The Lakers have 14 players other than LeBron James who know how to play basketball

the narrative that LeBron James doesn't have any good teammates... super cool Michael Beasley said... you got 14 guys other than LeBron James that know how to play basketball. Also fact.

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

The days of unwritten rules in baseball are over and bat flips should be marketed

Unwritten rules are gone. Bat flips are being marketed. There's no such thing as the unwritten rule. If it sells tickets and gets people in the seats, like, I'm absolutely [okay with that].

Derek Jeter is such a fierce competitor that if he lost a bet to you, he would pay you entirely in pennies

He was such a competitor that if he lost, he would pay you in pennies... it would be like $100 on something stupid... he would literally have a bag of pennies the next day. And it wasn't like a dollar. It was like $100. That's a lot of pennies.