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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Cam Newton will sign with the New England Patriots

Patriots number one. I'd still like to see him [in] Chicago, but Patriots number one.

Cam Newton signed a one-year deal with the New England Patriots on June 28, 2020.

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Win
Mar 25, 2020
#7225
Big CatBig Cat

Cam Newton was never given a decent wide receiver besides Steve Smith in Carolina

Cam Newton like was the Panthers... He also never had a really good wide receiver besides Steve Smith and got screwed out of probably some great years of his prime carrying a bad Panthers team to the Super Bowl in 2015... throwing for 35 touchdowns and running for ten touchdowns... and his wide receivers were Ted Ginn, Devin Funchess, Corey Brown and the 33 year old Jerricho Cotchery. That's incredible.

Newton's receiving corps outside of Greg Olsen (TE) and early Steve Smith was notoriously thin during his prime years, supporting this take.
Loss
Mar 25, 2020
#7226
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Jon Gruden will want to sign Cam Newton because he falls in love with every QB he broadcasts

That's a big time Jon Gruden move. I could see Gruden going after [Cam Newton] because Gruden probably fell in love with Cam Newton watching him in the booth on Monday Night Football. That's what Gruden does—if he broadcasts a couple of your games where you play well, he's just like, he instantly will fall in love with you.

Gruden did not sign Cam Newton; Newton signed with the Patriots.
Void
Mar 25, 2020
#7227
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

John Elway only signs quarterbacks he would want his daughter to marry

John Elway tends to like guys that are like coaches' sons. John Elway tends to like guys that he would set up to marry his daughter. John Elway is the kind of guy that he likes a quarterback that walks in the door and you're like, 'oh that guy, he is a coach on the field.'

This is a satirical characterization of Elway's GM philosophy.

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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

It requires Garrett Bolles to record a touch before the end of his career; that has not been resolved here.
Open
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

Whether Philadelphia's offense performs better without A.J. Brown is a season-level comparative claim and is not reliably resolved here.
Void
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.

This is a deliberately satirical roster-building proposal, not a prediction that can be objectively graded.