Takes

Kyrie Irving will be back and fine for the first round of the playoffs

He'll be back in three weeks, first round of the playoffs, no problem... Once [the debris is] out, he's completely fine.

The claim that LeBron James gains seven pounds during a single game is stupid junk science

The fact that LeBron James gained seven pounds during a game is probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard. As big junk science fans, we've heard a lot of ridiculous claims.

The Warriors' greatness allows them to openly disrespect the rest of the league

I love any team that reaches that level of greatness where they can blatantly just spit in your face and say, you're not going to beat us... We get drunk. We can skip games. We skip practices. This is all just a formality for us because when it comes to the playoffs, we're going to kick your ass.

Kevin Love is faking his broken hand just like he faked his mysterious flu

I think Kevin Love is actually better at defense with a broken hand. Why do you have to sit out with a broken hand?... He essentially has the flu for his hand right now, and he's milking it. Yeah, I'd say that you're just hurt.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

The Chicago Bulls should give everyone on the team a contract extension because they were up 2-0 against the Celtics

I say stay the course. Maybe a contract extension. Give everybody an extension. They were going to beat the No. 1 seed.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

Joel Embiid will stop being funny on Twitter when he starts playing poorly or getting hurt more

I predicted like a month ago how Joel would not be so funny on Twitter when he starts fucking up. So this is the first one. He's injured like every other day. He's got a lot of time to go back and forth. Take away his umlaut over the Joel. You're just Joel now.

Losing an eye is actually a performance-enhancing drug for basketball players

I'm going to go with hurt, not injured on this one. So if you lose an eye, you don't have to worry about depth perception. It's like when you're shooting a rifle, you close one eye... Losing an eye is a performance-enhancing drug.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

Russell Westbrook is an All-Star, not a NBA Superstar

Westbrook? All-star. I agree with [Mark] Cuban. Not a superstar. My criteria for superstar is a superstar has at least like 10 million Chinese people wearing their shoes.

Carmelo Anthony is a bum

Carmelo? He's a bum. ... He's a bum on the Knicks. And he wears bum hats.

Jimmy Butler is a bad leader and a bum

Jimmy Butler is an all-star, but he's also – he's got a couple bum qualities in him that have pissed me off. ... He's an all-star who thinks he's a superstar, which then makes that part of his brain bum-like. ... He is the leader of the Bulls now, yes, but he's a bad leader. ... All right, fine. He's a bum star.

Derrick Rose is in a permanent state of being so hurt that he's actually injured

With Derrick Rose. I, I say he is injured by a thousand hertz. Like he's gotten hurt so many times that it's all like just one big injury for him right now at this point. His body is just in a permanent state of being so hurt that it's injured... His mind, body and soul.