Takes

Tom Brady will have a massive 'get right' game against the Panthers

I think Tom Brady's going to eat this week and everyone's like, oh my God Tom Brady's back. Yeah Bruce Arians did the classic Bruce Arians thing where he just spent the entire week making fun of Tom Brady.

Tyrod Taylor is a 'rebound' quarterback who provides stability but never wins games

He is the epitome of an average Quarterback, but he's somehow worse than average Quarterback... He doesn't make the mistakes that bad quarterbacks make... He just won't do anything... Tyrod is the rebound quarterback. They take right after you get done with a crazy person that just fucked your brains out.

Bill O'Brien general manager should fire Bill O'Brien head coach

Bill O'Brien general manager of the Texans is firing Bill O'Brien head coach of the Texan. I would love to see it... It's the opposite of Bill Parcells when he was in Dallas and said if you're going to ask me cook dinner, then at least let me shop for the groceries.

Ryan Tannehill is a fantasy lock for 250 yards and 4 touchdowns

My starting this week is Ryan Tannehill. If one thinks the Titans are running team, he's putting up forties and 250 yards minimum this weekend minimum, bro.

Aaron Rodgers will shave his beard into an ironic waxed mustache by Week 10

I have a prediction to make about Aaron Rodgers facial hair this year. So he's growing out the big hipster beard... at least by week 10 or 11, he's going to shave it into an ironic mustache. I even think he might do the curly cues. Yeah the cowboy he's gonna do the waxing thing at the end.

The Green Bay Packers will make the 2020 NFL playoffs

Packers are going to make the playoffs there. I gave you mine.

The Carolina Panthers will be in the wild-card conversation as late as mid-November

I think that I think that the Panthers will be in the wild-card conversation as late as mid-November Teddy Bridgewater. Wow.

The Denver Broncos will make the 2020 NFL playoffs

Broncos are making the playoffs this year. If they don't I'll let some chick from Instagram shit on my chest.

The Chicago Bears must sign Allen Robinson immediately

Ryan pay stop being a fucking idiot and sign out Robins dude... Any New York team would love Alan Robinson the Jets. That would be such a Jets move... I just it's just such as so class. Like bears like doesn't even give you to 48 hours to enjoy win.

The Rams are going to be very good this year

I think the Rams are going to be pretty good this year... the Rams, they look great in the uniforms. I love those helmets.

The Cowboys are destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year

I think that I'm numb to the Cowboys because they're just destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year... sometimes they'll make the playoffs going 8-8 and then they will be like, well, maybe this is the actual time they put it together, but I think that this is classic Cowboys.

Russell Wilson should be the MVP

I'm calling it right now, Russell Wilson, I don't care what he does for the rest of year, he gets the MVP.

Sam Darnold is not a franchise quarterback and Josh Allen is much better

Twitter kills Josh Allen and yet they think Sam Darnold is some prospect... how can you say Josh Allen is holding his team back and also be like Sam Darnold's going to be a franchise quarterback. Just you wait... I just don't see it with Sam Darnold.

The Bears are all the way back

Bears, Lions, the Bears are all the way back kind of... I'm not going to go crazy. Well, fantasy stud Mitchell Trubisky... he was three touchdowns zero interceptions... next week I'm legitimately excited to watch the Bears again.

Aaron Rodgers is going on a 'fuck you tour' this year

I think he's going on the fuck you tour this year. It pretty much couldn't have worked out better for Aaron Rodgers today... Aaron Rodgers is pissed off. So I was really hoping, Aaron's the year that he... Karen's got those two moods, disengaged and then mad at everyone. And he seems to be in mad at everyone mood.

The Patriots are Super Bowl contenders with Cam Newton

Patriots are really, really good or the Dolphins suck. I think the Patriots are as good as they ever were. I think they're Super Bowl contenders. No reason why they won't win like between 11 and 14 games. AFC Championship, Super Bowl contenders barring injuries.

Kyler Murray is the real deal

Next week will be a real test against the Cardinals and Kyler Murray who I'm now a full believer. I'm done. I'm officially on the Kyler Murray hype train.

The Panthers will be a scrappy underdog in every game this year

I'm circling the Panthers as my Scrappy Underdog. They're going to be in every game team because Joe Brady's an awesome coach... and Teddy Bridgewater is not going to lose you games.

This is the 'make or break' season for Derek Carr

This is it for Derek Carr. This is it. This is the best situation because you know how we oftentimes do it with quarterbacks... if you could have everything right? I feel like this is just about as right as you can get.

The Ravens are the second best team in the AFC

The Ravens are really, really fucking good. I'll say they're the best team not named the Chiefs in the AFC. That's very, very clear.

Tom Brady looks old and slow in the Buccaneers offense

How do you think your boy Tom Brady looked? He looks pretty old. It's the truth... he looked pretty old today. It actually proved that Tom's Drew Brees-ing it. I am officially [saying] Taysom Hill is the better quarterback there.

The Bills will win the AFC East

I love the Bills. I told you I loved the Bills. I love what they bring to the table. I really think they're going to win that division.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop the Chiefs when their offense is humming

The Chiefs newsflash are really, really, really fucking good. Like I don't I don't think the Texans are as bad as they looked at times. I think the Chiefs are just really, really fucking good. Super Bowl champs for a reason. There's nothing that you could do to stop the Chiefs when their offense is humming like that. There's just there's absolutely nothing you can do.

Social media will bully Pete Carroll into letting Russell Wilson throw more this year

The Seahawks are going to be an interesting case this year because we might have the first time ever in the NFL that social media bullies Pete Carroll into actually letting his MVP caliber quarterback throw the ball more. I'm calling it 'Let Russ Cook'.

The Bills will go 13-3 and win the AFC East

What if the bills go like 13 and 3 and win the AFC East and maybe even get a first round bye? But it's so fucking sad think about like the fans in Buffalo not being able to be in the stadium.

The Buccaneers and Patriots Week 1 results will be a referendum on Tom Brady's legacy

What has to happen is we need the Buccaneers to win and the Patriots to lose or the Patriots to win the Buccaneers to lose so we can really hammer into that story. Storylines cannot be taken back. This weekend is a referendum on the life-altering change of course that Tom Brady made.

The 'Can't Lose' Parlay: Eagles, Colts, and Bills money lines will all hit

I have my can't lose parlay the first one of the year. It cannot lose. Eagles, Colts, Bills money line. There's no chance that loses. It says it right in the name. I'm telling you right now there is no way it loses.

Mitch Trubisky is going to win 10 games for the Bears this year

I fully believe that Mitch Trubisky is going to win the Bears 10 games. No, he is going to personally win 10 games. I can't wait for Mitch Trubisky screenshot season to come back. He's become a punch line, and you know what? He's about to punch back. Big time.

If Ben Roethlisberger is just average, the Steelers will be really fucking good

I said it a million times last year how much I love that defense. So now if Ben is just average they're going to be really fucking good. Ben is gonna be so excited though. I hope he throws the football into the crowd or tries to hand it to a girl that's not there.

I'm rooting for Mitch Trubisky because 2020 needs a cool story

It's bullshit that anyone is sitting here and rooting against Mitch Trubisky. ... 2020 sucks, root for something crazy. Mitch Trubisky 2020. ... I'm ready and I have a little perspective for you from coach Matt Nagy... we're going to all support around him and give him every opportunity to have a very happy ending.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

Overs will hit at a high rate in the first few weeks of the season

The only thing that we have that's even close to the 2020 preseason and offseason... was the year of the lockout [2011]. ... That season, the first two weeks out the gate, overs went 73%. ... I think by the third and fourth quarters, that's when we're going to see these defenses get worn down a little bit. I think that's one of the bigger things that is going to be evident from having the lack of the preseason games.

The Colts will be a surprise team in 2020

I personally think that Frank Reich is one of the most underrated play callers that we have in the NFL. ... They have since gone out, they've got Philip Rivers. ... I think this is a team that a lot of people kind of forgot about. ... I think the thing that we cannot underestimate here is just how good of a coach and a play caller Frank Reich is and why I think he's going to stamp his name on this football team.

The Cowboys offense will reach a new ceiling under Mike McCarthy

I think that the new coach Mike McCarthy is going to instill a lot more aggressive nature and a lot more passing to this offense. ... We are going from one of the most conservative run-heavy coaches of Jason Garrett to the most aggressive coach in terms of throwing the football down the field in Mike McCarthy. ... I think we're going to see a higher ceiling because they're going to be willing to pass the ball.

The Vikings will regress due to luck and a lack of training camp

I think the Minnesota Vikings are due for a little bit of regression... Minnesota finished top 10 in like injury luck, fumble recovery luck, field goal luck. ... This is an offseason in particular... [with] a lot of new players that are coming in there. ... Just a bad year to have to incorporate a lot of rookies and expect much out of them given the lack of an offseason.

The Ravens will face the Seahawks in the Super Bowl

I guess I probably will go the Seahawks against the Cowboys [in the NFC Championship]... I'm going to go with the Ravens and I'm going to go with the Chiefs [in the AFC Championship]... I'm going to go Baltimore and Seattle. Russ versus Lamar Jackson for the Super Bowl.

2020 will be the 'Year of the Fullback'

The five of the six teams that use the most fullbacks last season, five of those six made it to the playoffs. ... Think about the teams that have those fullbacks out there to start the year, wearing down those teams, beating on them into the second half. I think that could be an edge. This is the year of the fullback, call it right now, 2020.

Kirk Cousins would win the Super Bowl if he played for the 49ers.

Kirk Cousins on the Niners would win the Super Bowl. Yeah. He's better than Garoppolo.

Leonard Fournette is the most frustrating goal-line back in NFL history.

I think Leonard Fournette might be the most frustrating goal line back in the history of the NFL proportion to his body type... and falling 6 inches short every single time.

Big Ben made his 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary specifically for the hosts of Pardon My Take.

I really think that he made this like there's two idiots who joke about how I'm like a dog who fakes injuries all the times. Let me make a documentary that just talking about my injury.

Alvin Kamara appearing on the trading block is the worst possible news for fantasy owners

Anyone who drafted early for fantasy and took Alvin Kamara. Yep. He is on the trading block now, which is I mean a lot of people probably took them in there with their first pick first round. That's like the worst thing you can see is the trading block.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

Ben Roethlisberger will gain 40 pounds by October

Can we make a documentary of me in a t-shirt right now so I can like memorialize this period in my life before I put on 40 more pounds in October? And he will be, like you said earlier, bigger than Ben now.

Hard Knocks needs the preseason to be good

Here's my theory. Hard Knocks needs the preseason because you watch Hard Knocks on Tuesday nights and then you watch the actual games happen and you see what's happening on the field. You're like, oh, there's that cornerback that we keep hearing about who's trying to make the team. We've lost that element. So now we're just watching like, oh, let's just check in with this training camp. It kind of ruins everything.

Bill Belichick will sign Earl Thomas to replace Patrick Chung

Maybe this belcheck move. Maybe Belichick picks him up. They lost Patrick Chung for the year. They get real Thomas as like an impact veteran that everybody else has given up on

The NFL will use false positive COVID tests as cover to let star players like Patrick Mahomes play on Sundays

The NFL has muddied the waters enough that we can now safely go into the NFL season just assuming every test that is positive is not actually positive until it's negative. Patrick Mahomes test positive on a Sunday morning... they'll be like, it's a false positive. He's going to play and then two days later be like, well the for positive reading footballs good job NFL

NFL TV ratings will be unprecedented due to fans being stuck at home

I mean, I think the NFL ratings are going to be through the roof and unprecedented based on all the fans that should be watching NFL football coming up here in less than a month.

Frank Gore will keep playing until every team in the league rejects him

I really did Frank Frank loves professional football. He loves to compete he loves to play. He's a rare competitor. I don't think Frank will retire out of his own recognizance until the [jobs] dried up.

The Washington Football Team should change their mascot to the Red Wolves

If you do change the name, I realize I feel strongly that it should be Red Wolves... The defense could be called the Wolf Pack... I think that dogs in general are criminally underrepresented at the professional level.