Takes

Freddie Kitchens is a dummy whose bad play-calling cost the Browns a winnable game.

Freddie Kitchens, you're a dummy. Wow. Yeah, you're a dummy. That was weird. dum-dum. That was one of the most... it was very bad play calling forth and nine.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl this year.

The Atlanta Falcons are done. The Atlanta Falcons are finished. If the Atlanta Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off the tip of my pinky from the nail up.

The Minnesota Vikings are officially in the Done Chain.

My Done Chain, by the way, is the Vikings... I'm done hanging off of two and one because I got balls. That's why. Because Kirk Cousins, I'm that confident. This was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game.

Derek Carr will be benched or injured before the Raiders return from their 48-day road trip.

Will Derek Carr be the starting quarterback when the Oakland Raiders play their next game in Oakland?... I'm going to say it. Derek Carr will not be the starting quarterback for the Oakland Raiders when they play the next game in Oakland.

John Elway is an idiot who is ruining his legacy as the Broncos GM.

John Elway is an idiot. John Elway is a smooth idiot. If you're Broncos fan, tweet us your real thoughts about John Elway at this point. Is he at the point where he has soured your memories of John Elway?... You win two Super Bowls, but dude, you stink.

Frank Gore's longevity at 36 is more impressive than Tom Brady's.

Frank Gore, he's 36 years old. He's never going to stop... This would be a take: Frank Gore and his age is more impressive than Tom Brady and his age... a running back shouldn't be playing at 36.

The Buffalo Bills will win 10 games this season.

I'm going to say it. Bills are winning ten games.

Daniel Jones is electric and is a live version of Eli Manning.

Daniel Jones, electric. Daniel Jones is electric... The difference between Daniel Jones and Eli Manning was so fucking apparent... Daniel Jones, he looks like the difference between an alive person and a dead person.

Jim Harbaugh has lost the 'juice' and will return to the NFL in the next couple of years.

I think Jim Harbaugh is going to go to the NFL in the next couple of years... His teams just don't look like Jim Harbaugh teams anymore. He's lost the juice that was like his defining quality... He feels like he's cheating on himself running this type of offense.

I am officially done with Marcus Mariota

I am officially hashtag done with Marcus Mariota. Got the hashtag done. Done. I do not want to see Marcus Mariota play any more football. I'm done with him.

Ryan Tannehill will take a step forward and become a real quarterback this year

I think the Titans still are a decent team, but I actually, in a crazy world, I think Ryan Tannehill is ready to start and take a step forward. This is the year Ryan Tannehill finally takes a step forward and becomes a real quarterback.

Gardner Minshew is the permanent starter for the Jaguars even when Nick Foles returns

I don't think that you can put Nick Foles in when you have Gardner [Minshew] out here looking like Leonard Skinner's pilot, just crushing shit, just dominating... You can't take that guy out of the game. He's going to be your starter.

The NFL is ruining football by calling too many holding penalties

There are way too many holding calls. I think we can all agree on that. Holding is the new fetch, and I'm sick of the NFL trying to make it happen because every single call is a holding call. It's like the old saying, you could call holding on every play. I feel like someone dared the NFL refs to actually do that this year.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

I tried to break my own hand with a hammer to get a medical redshirt at East Carolina

I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and I grab a hammer... I take a pull of Jack Daniels, put my hand down on the table and boom, boom, boom. One, two, three. Hit the hell out of my hand, dude... I couldn't break my own hand. But when I told the guys, I was like, what would you do for more football? Because I'd do damn near anything.

NFL teams should run significantly less on first down

They should not be running as much on first down. They need to be passing the ball more. The floor on completion percentage has risen tremendously. So it's a lot more efficient to throw the football and you're not having as many of those risks that coaches get scared about.

Running the ball on 2nd and 10 is the worst thing a coach can do

They opt to run the ball on second and 10, which is the worst thing that you could do on second down because you're very unlikely to have a successful gain and you might as well just pass twice to try to convert that first down as opposed to run then pass.

The Panthers will be much better than their 0-2 record if Cam Newton gets healthy

If Cam gets better, I definitely think the Panthers are much better than what the record indicates. But if Cam still is a problem, I mean, I've actually liked some things that I've seen out of Cincinnati. But I don't see a lot of upside there.

Jared Goff's performance is almost entirely tied to Sean McVay's play-calling

I personally didn't think Jared Goff was worth that contract because I thought so much of what he was doing, his performance, was tied to his head coach... Sean McVay is so great [at] projecting fourth Jared Goff to become better.

The Patriots defense is good enough to carry their offense this season

I said this could be the season that the Patriots defense actually could carry their offense a little bit because I think this Patriots defense is damn good. Really good, really underrated.

Downfield laterals will be the next big innovation in the NFL

In the future, more teams will look to do downfield laterals of the football because it's very difficult for the defense. It puts a lot of stress on them... If you design something off of that where you did have some semblance of success, that would be big.

Eli Manning's career outside of his two Super Bowl runs was remarkably average

A remarkably average career outside of those two. If you can spend your entire career... 15 years. If you can go exactly 500 after 15 years of playing football, that's super impressive. It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Average.

Eli Manning is a Hall of Famer because Super Bowl wins carry the most weight

The Super Bowl carries so much weight that I am totally fine with Eli Manning definitely being in the Hall of Fame because of those two runs. And they were incredible runs.

Lorenzo Neal should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame

Lorenzo Neal, eligible for the Hall of Fame. Go vote for Lorenzo Neal right now. It's been like 10, 15 years since we've had a real fullback get in. Lorenzo Neal should fucking be in the Hall of Fame.

Eli Manning will play again this season after Daniel Jones gets hurt

He's going to play again this year. Daniel Jones is going to get hurt, and Eli Manning is going to come in and win the Giants a meaningless game.

The Jets' season is already over after Sam Darnold's mono diagnosis and Trevor Siemian's injury

The point is the Jets' season is over. Luke Falk is not going to be the guy. I would assume he's not going to be the guy.

Jalen Ramsey will definitely play in Thursday night's game against the Titans

He will play in Thursday night's game. I'm going to put a guarantee. If he gets traded? Yeah. Because he'll get traded to the Titans.

The Jaguars would be crazy to trade Jalen Ramsey

I think the Jaguars would be crazy to trade him. Crazy. I mean, he's really, really good. Really, really good.

I'm considering putting the 'Dunn' chain on the Carolina Panthers

I'm considering putting the Dunn chain on the Panthers. They don't have anywhere to go without Cam Newton.

Anthony Lynn is an idiot for going into a game without a healthy kicker

Anthony Lynn, you're a fucking idiot. Because Anthony Lynn went into this game without a kicker and had his punter kick field goals, and he missed them both.

The Dolphins will break the record for the biggest point spread in NFL history this season

The Dolphins are going to break, I think they are going to break a record this year for biggest point spread. They have to, right? ... next week they're playing the Cowboys at Dallas. It's probably going to be 18 again.

Josh Allen is the new recipient of the running quarterback torch from Cam Newton

I'm doing a torch update. torch being passed from Cam Newton to Josh Allen [as the best running quarterback].

Ben Roethlisberger is at the end of the road

Big Ben is, I would say, at the end of the road. Is it fair to say? If it is the UCL, if it is the Tommy John thing... then there's no chance he'd be able to play.

Dan Snyder should sell the Redskins to save his legacy as a fan

Dan Snyder, sell the team. You're a guy that grew up rooting for the [Redskins]... Right now, your legacy is going to be the person who destroyed the thing you love the most in life. If you sell the team, then you have a chance to be known as the person who saved the thing that you grew up loving the most.

Lamar Jackson is the real deal and will be in the MVP conversation by Week 5

Lamar Jackson, get ready because week five we're going to get and it will be deserved if he keeps playing the way he is—we'll get the Lamar Jackson for MVP talk because he had almost 400 yards rushing and passing today. ... Lamar Jackson's the real deal.

I don't think Mitchell Trubisky stinks

I know everyone's going to say, well, Mitch stinks. Listen, I don't think he stinks. I think they need to just figure out a way to win with using the things that he's good at.

Drew Brees will miss half of the 2019 season with his thumb injury

Drew Brees is hurt. And he's hurt bad. And he's going to be out for a while. I think he's going to miss half—half the season. Eight weeks.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1 with a Super Bowl victory

My official prediction was one random loss, like one fluke loss in the regular season. ... They could lose a regular season game and then go 18-1 [and win the Super Bowl].

Urban Meyer will definitely coach football again

My who's back is Urban Meyer because Urban Meyer said he misses football. Oh, you think? That actually could just be that because he's definitely going to coach. So shout out all the people who said that he actually was retiring for real this time. You're an idiot.

Cam Newton is broken and doesn't look right physically or mentally

Cam Newton is broken. He just doesn't look right. Every receiver, he either missed the throw or put it where they shouldn't be thrown. He would just simple passes. They were not thrown in the right position. And the whole night, it felt like the Panthers should have won that game. They didn't win that game because Cam Newton is broken. His soul is injured. His body's injured. His soul is injured. He is not right.

Thursday Night Football is always good regardless of the game quality

Everyone who says Thursday night football sucks fuck you. It's football. It happens every single year. They're like this is Thursday night football this is atrocious you really want to watch this oh yes i do i want to watch it every thursday if there was not thursday night football i'd have nothing to look forward to on thursday this is thursday night football i don't care if it's bad i really don't i just want to watch football

Trevor Siemian is not a significant downgrade from the current version of Sam Darnold

Trevor Siemian. Not terrible. Northwestern guy. He's not terrible. Trevor Siemian is not good, but he's also not terrible. He's not a huge, huge downgrade over Sam Darnold. Of what Sam Darnold currently is.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

The Patriots will cover -18.5 against the Dolphins

I know it's a crazy line. It's outrageous, but it's one of those things where there's going to be no better thrill than rooting for the Patriots to cover 18 and a half. I can unbiasedly tell you that the Patriots are going to cover 18 and a half.

The Bills will beat the Giants and cover -1.5

My favorite. I'm going to go with the Bills. Minus one and a half on the road. I like the Bills. I hate the Giants. I hate Pat Shurmur. I hate Eli Manning's stupid face in this game.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a pretty good player in the NFL

I think he's going to be a pretty good player. And I saw the story that said that he used to do band workouts in the locker room naked... Yeah, he would, well, not really band workouts. Uh, there's a combination of dancing and running in place... He's like one of the most passionate players I've ever coached.

Joe Flacco shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL anymore

Joe Flacco stinks. He's bad. He shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL anymore. John Elway likes him because he's tall and he throws... He still throws a nice looking ball, but it's just nothing else is good.