Takes

The Browns will be the 'Regis Philbin' sneaky team everyone picks to make noise next year

Still a pretty incredible season, the fact that they [Browns] fired their coach and almost made the playoffs. They will now be our Regis Philbin team to make some noise next year. Everyone will pick them. They're the sneaky team.

Bill Belichick tricked the world into thinking Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year

I think that it's a major stay woke that the greatest trick Bill Belichick ever pulled was convincing the world that Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year so he's just been playing possum.

Patrick Mahomes' unorthodox fundamentals will eventually fail him as his athleticism dips

The league is going to catch up to Patrick Mahomes throwing sidearm. 20 years from now, when his athleticism starts to dip, you can't rely on bending, contorting your body and running sideways and throwing sidearm passes. You just can't. So I have my doubts.

Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL

Would you say that Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL? If the Chiefs are playing, I have an option to watch that game. I'm watching that game every single time.

NBA players would dominate the NFL as wide receivers and tight ends

I think NBA players playing football. All the way around. I think most NBA players could probably play wide receiver or tight end. That would be my answer.

Mike Tomlin is in his 'Les Miles season' where his luck has run out

This is his [Tomlin's] Les Miles season. You can be a shitty coach that makes bad decisions but gets lucky and you'll be fine. But the second your luck runs out, then everyone realizes how shitty you are. In the last four games, all their luck has gone away. I feel like this might be the end for Tomlin.

The Packers would hire Mike Tomlin in a second if he was available

Actually, you know where he'd go. Packers. They need a Mike. They need to keep the Mike legacy going. The Packers would grab him in a second.

Nick Foles is the greatest quarterback of all time

Nick Foles is the greatest quarterback of all time. I think that's fair. What, did he have four touchdowns today? He was amazing. He was incredible.

I'd rather the Bears play the Vikings than the Eagles in the playoffs

I'd rather play the Vikings than the Eagles. The Eagles are scary. Nick Foles is a scary quarterback. He's so fucking good. In the month of December and January, Nick Foles, when everybody else shrinks up because of the cold, Nick Foles just flops all around.

The Bengals and Marvin Lewis are staying together for the kids

The Bengals and Marvin Lewis are staying together for the kids. And they're in a loveless relationship. That's okay. They don't fight in public. They don't kiss on the lips anymore. That's fine.

Losing Josh Gordon makes the Patriots focus more and gives them a playoff advantage

Luckily, they— Everyone's saying that [they're done]. So it's basically they just have to dig deep, worry about coaching, and worry about fundamentals, which is where they have the advantage over every other team. And so losing Josh Gordon and knowing that Gronk might not be healthy, it's like, all right, everyone has to focus extra and then execute in the playoffs.

If the Cowboys are a legitimate NFC contender, they will beat the Bucs by 20+

If the Cowboys are a legitimate NFC contender, they beat the Bucs in this game by 20 plus. They bury Jameis Winston. They do not let him off the mat.

If the Texans get a first-round bye, they will go to the Super Bowl

I firmly believe that if the Texans get a bye, they will probably go to the Super Bowl. If they don't, no.

The Saints will 'kill' the Steelers

I think the Saints are going to kill the Steelers. The Saints, there's a lot of talk... oh, maybe not so good. They're not looking as great the last few weeks. They're at home. They're going to kill the Steelers. Mike Tomlin versus Sean Payton, enough said.

The 2018 Bears defense is statistically better in every category than the 1985 Bears

What I found was this team [2018 Bears] is statistically better in every single defensive category than the 1985 Chicago Bears. This is the best defensive team that Chicago has ever seen.

Cam Newton is clearly playing through a severe shoulder injury

If you have two eyes and a brain, Cam Newton is very, very hurt... Different guy since he got hit by T.J. Watt in that Thursday night football game.

The Saints are the most complete team in the NFC

The Saints look pretty good. Their defense is awesome, I would say. So, yeah, they are probably the most complete team in the NFC, I would say.

The fumble-out-of-the-end-zone touchback rule is actually good because it rewards defense

You're looking at as the punishment doesn't fit the crime... You should look at it as the reward. It fits the feat. It fits the accomplishment. So if you're the defense and you make a guy fumble through the end zone at the one-yard line, that's an awesome play by our defense. You should get a big reward for that.

I would not swap Mitchell Trubisky's contract for Aaron Rodgers' right now

Big Cat, would you trade Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers right now if you had to swap contracts? No. No. If we had to swap contracts, it would be over the cap. You don't read the fucking cap, idiot. I'm a fucking capologist.

Sean McVay's photographic memory is actually a curse when things go poorly

I think Sean McVay's photographic memory is a blessing and a curse because what do they always say? You have to have a short memory to get past the fucked up plays. So having a photographic memory is great when things are going really well. But then when things go really poorly, that's all you think about.

The Eagles cannot go back to Carson Wentz if Nick Foles runs the table and makes the playoffs

If Nick Foles runs the table here and the Eagles get into the playoffs and let's say he wins a game or two, how can you go back to Carson Wentz? This guy, like, that was a game 13.5-point underdogs. Everyone said the Eagles season was over. He's throwing jump balls to Alshon Jeffrey. He's getting the offense going.

I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky if the Seahawks win the Super Bowl

I personally Dunchained the Seahawks. I think they were the inaugural Dunchain. And listen, Big Cat is being very, very accountable with his Texans Dunchain, saying that he will cut his pinky off. I just want to say I will be held accountable as well. If the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky.

Tom Brady's age is finally starting to catch up to him

I think there's a lot of factors in play. Brady might be—age might be catching up to him. [Big Cat: Are you worried?] Yes.

The Miami Dolphins might be the worst 7-7 team in NFL history

The Dolphins are the other team where it's like, this team is 7-7. They might be the worst 7-7 team in the history of the NFL. And I'm sure Dolphins fans will get upset about that. But actually, you'll probably agree with me. They make no sense.

I could throw for more than 57 yards in a regular NFL game

If you gave me a Nerf ball, I'd throw for more than 57 yards. [PFT: In an NFL game?] In an NFL game. I actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'd throw for more than 57 yards with a regular ball. I'd be a gunslinger. I'd just throw it every play. Really what I'd just do is screen pass, screen pass, screen pass.

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the same coach: 'the dog in the fire saying this is fine'

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the dogs sitting in the fire saying this is fine at all times. They love to just stand on the sidelines and say to themselves, well, this time it's got to be different. Like we're doing the exact same thing we've done since the beginning of time, but this time it's going to work.

The Chargers should play their home playoff games in San Diego

I think if they get home field advantage in the playoffs, which is possible... they should play their home games in San Diego. Give it back to the people. San Diegans have suffered long enough.

If the Bears don't win the Super Bowl, I want the Chargers to win it

obviously I want the Bears to win the Super Bowl, but if the Bears cannot win the Super Bowl, I want the Chargers to win the Super Bowl. They are America's team. This is talking about Antonio Gates, talking about Philip Rivers having fun.

Patrick Mahomes is getting a little too cute with his play style

I think sometimes [Mahomes] gets a little too cute. I think a little too cute. He throws a lot of left-handed passes. ... You know what bothers me is every time there's a penalty, he points way too fast that it's on the other team.

If Green Bay beats Chicago, they are going to the playoffs

Green Bay wins this game, and they're going to the playoffs. Because there are a lot of things that have to happen for Green Bay to make the playoffs, and they're all going to happen. But the big question mark is, can they win this game?

The Dolphins always lose the week after beating the Patriots

this game will be interesting because the Dolphins, after a win against the Patriots, they stink, historically. Last three games, three times they beat the Patriots. That's their Super Bowl. 24-16, they lost. 29-10, they lost. 19-0, they lost.

Mike Tomlin gets fired if the Steelers miss the playoffs

I think Mike Tomlin gets fired if they don't make the playoffs.

The Buccaneers will cover +7.5 against the Ravens

My walk of the week is going to be the Bucs. Maybe even sprinkle a little bit. The Bucs. [Against] The Ravens. Plus seven and a half.

The Browns are going to make the playoffs

The Browns are going to make the playoffs. I'm looking at it too, and you know what season it is. It's playoff machine season on ESPN... I've been running the scenarios, crunching the numbers. They're not [the Packers] going to make the playoffs... But you know who is going to make the playoffs? The Browns.

Signing Kirk Cousins was a bad idea that everyone predicted would fail

Kirk Cousins' signing was one of those things where everyone in the world was like, 'Hey, this is a bad idea.' To a man, everyone was like, 'Hey, this is a really bad idea.' But because of the NFL and how the quarterback position is played... anyone could be sucked in and talk themselves into saying Kirk Cousins.

Kirk Cousins is just Case Keenum in a tuxedo

Now, what he is, is Case Keenum in a tuxedo. He is the nicest looking version of Case Keenum that you can put together.

The Bears are now the class of the NFC

I think that we should [talk about the Bears] because they are now the class of the NFC. I'll just say it. Sean McVay can name every single player that picked him off tonight.

Defense still wins games when the weather gets cold

I'm just going to say it, boys. Once the weather starts getting cold, defense does show up... I think defense still wins games.

I have worries about the Bears' offense clicking in January

I will be honest—I have worries about the offense at times... The offense did not click the way that they'll need to click in January.

The Patriots' loss to the Dolphins will motivate them to a championship

It is one of those losses that... shows up in the beginning of a championship DVD. The Pats lost to the Dolphins in heartbreaking fashion. They fucked up their defense. They kind of woke up. They're going to go into the film room. Belichick's going to tear into them, and that's what's going to give them the motivation they need to push through the playoffs.

The Cowboys trade for Amari Cooper was a ballsy move that worked

The Amari Cooper trade, when we laughed at it and everyone laughed at it, that was a fucking ballsy move, and it has worked out. Amari Cooper has basically re-found himself.

I might consider a mid-career position change to tight end

Thinking about maybe, maybe a mid-career position change... Oh, I'm a natural tight end. Always have been.

I will cut off my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

I already said I was going to cut off my pinky if the fucking Texans win the Super Bowl.

Bear Weather is 100% real

It's like the perfect meatball thing that you can laugh at, like, ha, ha, ha, bare weather... But then when you're in your heart of hearts, you're like, no, no, that's fucking real. Bare weather is 100% real.

The Cowboys will win the NFC East if they beat the Eagles in Week 14

This is the week that if the Cowboys beat the Eagles, they have basically won the NFC East. And it will be very hard for them to lose it.

The Cowboys will find a way to fuck up their season despite their current success

If there's anything I know about the Cowboys, they'll find a way to fuck it all up.

The Texans will reach the Super Bowl if they secure a first-round bye

If they get a bye, I think they'll go to the Super Bowl. I will be officially nervous if they get a bye because the whole time I've been like, you know what? They have to win three games. There's no way they're going to win three playoff games.

There are 10 NFL teams that would want Joe Flacco to be their starting quarterback next year

There are probably 10 teams that would want Flacco to start for them next year.

Joe Flacco will eventually sign with the Washington Redskins and go 8-8 for three years

He might sign with the [Redskins] and just, like, make the commute from Baltimore... and go 8-8 for the next three years.

Joe Flacco should have beaten the Patriots and would have won two Super Bowls — he's more than borderline elite

I'm getting a little steamed up about Joe Flacco because of what you said, borderline elite. People forget he should have beaten the Patriots. He beats the shit out of the Patriots on the road. He should have beaten them in the playoffs that one year. His tight end dropped the ball. His kicker missed a kick. If they had that game won, they would have won another Super Bowl.