Takes

I might get evicted because my alarm clock went off for two days while I was on vacation

I accidentally kind of alarm clock too close to the sun recently... I had left my alarm clock plugged in... My alarm clock is going off like today and yesterday. We're gonna have to take like a meeting here... There's a world where like, I'm the worst neighbor of all time and I just left my irrationally loud alarm clock going.

My ceiling as a golfer might be higher as a lefty

I might be more... I can maybe my my ceiling is higher. Potentially left-handed more good at golf. My ceiling is higher. Damn. We'll see.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

Planet Earth needs an alien invasion to unite humanity

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [the aliens].

Apple is going to force brain chips on everyone and we'll have no choice but to accept them

I don't want it, but it's coming. It's gonna happen and I'm gonna have to get it... So it's chip or be left behind. Correct. No choice. We just have to chip.

If Big Cat and PFT lose their playoff picks bet, they will each eat six hot dogs for Jake's bowling total

If we beat you, Ray Allen tweet. If you beat us, we will both eat six hotdogs on your behalf when you're bowling. That's 60 pins we will take down for you.

Gender reveals will backfire in 15 years when children see their parents' disappointed reactions to their sex.

I have a theory that we're going to reach a point in society and probably 15 years where this whole wave of gender reveals going to come back to bite everyone in the ass... they grow up and they have the ability to go online and they see their video and they're like, 'oh so you didn't want me? You wanted me something else.'

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

Humanity is fundamentally 'fucked' and there is no saving us

We are a staunchly we are fucked podcast because we are fucked. We want to fuck humanity. Recycle all of humanity.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

Pigeons will eventually be the only birds left on Earth

The world is going to end up in a place where the pigeons are the king birds and they're the only birds left. It's going to be in like 100 years, it will just be birds are just pigeons.