Takes

Michael Jordan winning the Daytona 500 proves he is better than LeBron James

Michael Jordan won the Daytona 500. I don't know what you're talking about... LeBron has not done that.

The skeleton is a joke of a sport that anyone could do with three years of training

The skeleton is a joke. [Max: I think that's actually like proven fact that the average amount of person to take, they have three years experience.] When I watch the Best Loser win by a fraction of a second, I'm like, well that guy just decided to do luge. 99.9% of the world just doesn't do luge.

The US Women's Rugby team could win gold because of Ilona Maher

I think that the US Women's Rugby could win the gold medal because they've got Ilona Maher who, she had two all time truck stick runs. She's like Lady Rob Gronkowski. She's fucking awesome. And she a tank running people over.

The USA Rugby team will challenge New Zealand and the match will end in a draw

I think USA rugby is going to challenge, man. It's going to be a draw. They're going to rise up to the occasion.

The Waterdogs will lose both of their games this weekend against Chaos and Chrome

Today, Chaos versus Water Dogs. L for us. ...And then on Sunday, the Waterdogs take another L to the Chrome. NBC Sports Network, 1 p.m. Eastern.

I will beat PFT Commenter in ping pong by at least nine points in every game of our series

I'm better than [PFT Commenter] when I'm wearing glass and he's not... I'm going to be going to beat you by nine points... nine wait in how many games? Each game. I will be home by 9:00 all games.

I should fire the Water Dogs coach for that second-half collapse against the Atlas

I think we should fire our coach [Andy Copeland] just straight up. You can't have a loss like that. It's what, two goals in the last 18 minutes? We took our foot off the gas. It's unacceptable. He should be on the hot seat.

NBA and MLB return plans for 2020 sound completely fictitious

I do not feel they're coming back. I think that the ideas that are being thrown around sound like they're just pitches... that MLB story today about a hundred games or whatever all in conference three home stadiums, that sounds like the most fictitious, it sounds like what happens after a bombing in 24.

The Waterdogs will have a stadium built exclusively with taxpayer money

I'd like to do a census, some type of study to figure out where we could build a stadium exclusively with the taxpayer's money. I don't want to pay anything for my new stadium. Let's find out... figure out what location in America the voters are dumb enough that they'll just give us a lacrosse stadium.

Michael Phelps will come out of retirement to swim in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics

Michael Phelps, Tokyo. He's swimming, right? Yes. Oh, there we go. You know what? I've said this before in 2012. I said he announced his retirement. He wasn't going to come back. And I was like, you're going to come back. Come on. And guess what he did? He came back. Same thing. He's going to do it.

Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was the most pressurized event in human history

Jason [Whitlock] was coming for the crown... He said, 'Game seven was the most pressurized event, perhaps, in human history.' So thoughts and prayers to the Civil War. D-Day. Maybe if Theo [Epstein] had been working for the South, we'd all be speaking Cajun right now.