Takes

Anthony Richardson's first preseason tape will decide his fate in my eyes

That tape is going to basically decide Anthony Richardson's fate in my eyes. If he throws one touchdown pass I'm in. Or one cool like stiff arm or long run. I'm all the way in.

Christian Yelich is on pace to hit zero home runs this year

Christian Yelich is on pace to hit zero home runs this year. Love to hear it. Fraud. No power in that guy.

John Scheyer lost because he wore a black sweater instead of a gray one

The game was decided well before that, before the boys even stepped on the court because Scheyer wasn't wearing the sweatshirt. They were wearing the same sweaters, different color black... The gray one was way better.

Tom Brady is the GOAT of retirements

It's back-to-back retirements, two consecutive retirements for Tom Brady. He's the GOAT at that too. Not a dynasty, but a nice little run.

March usually has 30 days, but this year it had 31 just to punish us for the lack of basketball

March was awful... You cannot convince me that March is normally 31 days. That's your shit. March is usually 30 and this year it was 31 just like twist that knife and to be like, there's no basketball, there's nothing going on.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.

Establishing the run game is the foundation of all football success

Mine [Mount Rushmore] is establishing the run game. Love when a team establishes the run game. Just run, run, run, run, run. Because then you get that play-action pass and the cameraman misses. It opens things up. ... Everything starts with establishing the run. That's just a fact.

Mike Gundy's mullet should be considered an NCAA recruiting violation

I actually threw out the idea that [Mike Gundy's] mullet might now become a recruiting violation because who wouldn't want to play for him?