Takes

Buy TikTok stock when it goes public

Mike Francesa told me... TikTok. Invest in TikTok. So invest in TikTok, invest in all the apps, invest in all the social media... when TikTok goes public, buy it, buy it again and get back in line three times to buy it some more.

Smashing televisions should be a top responsibility for a baseball manager

My favorite part of the story is that AJ Hinch not once but twice smash the TVs that Alex Cora was using to help cheat... I don't know what your job duties are as a manager, but I'm pretty sure that smashing televisions should be pretty high up on that list.

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring.

The US needs to replace Uncle Sam with James Harrison as its national rebrand

The US is in need of a rebrand. Uncle Sam, I'm kind of sick of Uncle Sam, like the tall guy with the beard. Just put James Harrison in the Uncle Sam outfit. No country will fuck with us.

Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor are stuck in Zeno's Paradox and will never actually fight

If I shot an arrow at you, it would never actually hit you because in order for the arrow to get to you, it would have to travel half the distance to you... that's what's happening with McGregor and Mayweather. They're just getting closer and closer and closer and closer until they just get old and die.

Dan Haren is a genius for joining the Diamondbacks because their pitching can't get worse

Smart move for him to join that team because basically he can just go and fart and be like, oh, they're better. 30th ranked team. So basically, they can't get worse. He can just go pick his nose, fart, listen to Pardon My Take, and they'll, by just the law of averages, get a little bit better.