Takes

The Nicki Minaj 'swollen balls' story is a Joe Biden psyop

I actually think this might be a psyop. This might be a story planted by Joe Biden himself to make people want to get the vaccine. Because knowing guys, as I do, if you hear that there's medicine out there that makes your balls huge, there's going to be some dudes that are going to be like, you know what? I could use a little bit of inflation.

Buy TikTok stock when it goes public

Mike Francesa told me... TikTok. Invest in TikTok. So invest in TikTok, invest in all the apps, invest in all the social media... when TikTok goes public, buy it, buy it again and get back in line three times to buy it some more.

Smashing televisions should be a top responsibility for a baseball manager

My favorite part of the story is that AJ Hinch not once but twice smash the TVs that Alex Cora was using to help cheat... I don't know what your job duties are as a manager, but I'm pretty sure that smashing televisions should be pretty high up on that list.

Alex Cora should get a lifetime ban just because it sounds 'juicy'

Alex Cora, I'm not in favor of a lifetime ban, but I am in favor of hearing the term lifetime ban. Oh, yeah. Definitely. It's awesome hearing Alex Cora has been issued a lifetime ban from baseball. Like I don't think that he deserves it and what I deserve to hear that... there's nothing more satisfying than just like when you read the words lifetime bans.

Baker Mayfield is tipping off Adam Schefter with fake news tips to make him look like an idiot

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring.

The 'Elam Ending' is proof that the NBA 'nerds' have gone too far

I don't understand. This is when the nerds have gone too far, that they're coming up with these ideas. [PFT: It's a very smart move by Daryl Morey to change the entire rules of the game just to favor your team.]

The US needs to replace Uncle Sam with James Harrison as its national rebrand

The US is in need of a rebrand. Uncle Sam, I'm kind of sick of Uncle Sam, like the tall guy with the beard. Just put James Harrison in the Uncle Sam outfit. No country will fuck with us.

Paul Tagliabue is the smartest person in the world for making Roger Goodell his concussion scapegoat

Paul Tagliabue basically said, I've known about concussions forever, but I kind of don't want to be asked about this anymore. So here, Roger Goodell, you look stupid enough to take this job and have everyone come at you and hate you. And that's exactly what happened. So he's actually the smartest person in the world.

Dan Haren is a genius for joining the Diamondbacks because their pitching can't get worse

Smart move for him to join that team because basically he can just go and fart and be like, oh, they're better. 30th ranked team. So basically, they can't get worse. He can just go pick his nose, fart, listen to Pardon My Take, and they'll, by just the law of averages, get a little bit better.