Takes

The dog show needs more controversy to become a mainstream interest.

I actually think this is exactly what Westminster needs. More controversies will get us to a point where dog shows become mainstream... we need to get some kind of maybe put it up to a fan vote.

Kirk Cousins needs to stop tweeting or only tweet about charity

Kirk Cousins has reached a point where he cannot tweet anymore... He is very, very earnest and genuine. He can't tweet. He cannot tweet anymore... The only thing Kirk Cousins should be tweeting is about charity. Go charity route or delete your account.

An NFL starting quarterback is the apex predator of the sports world

If you have the choice of being an NFL quarterback or an outfielder, maybe an outfielder for the Oakland A's, it's not really a choice. And it's like you're it's the national brand of being a national hero versus being maybe at your absolute peak... starting quarterbacks in the NFL are the top, they're apex predators in the sports world.

Quarterback draft stock only ever goes up as the NFL Draft approaches

Wherever [a quarterback] is going to be drafted today, he will be drafted higher once the draft comes. Because every quarterback just keeps going up and up and up.

NFL quarterbacks lose value like used cars after their first year but regain it after starting for two seasons

The thing about NFL quarterbacks that are drafted in the first round, they immediately lose value. They're like a used car once you take them off the lot. So Josh Rosen lost a lot of value this year... but then once you're a starting quarterback for two years or more, then you gain value.

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

Blake Bortles and the Jaguars effectively ruined the Steelers franchise

We're all in agreement, though, that Blake Bortles and the Jaguars broke the Steelers last year, right? Absolutely ruined that franchise.

Poodles are often favored in dog shows because their glamour catches judges' eyes better than low-key breeds

The glamorous dog catches [the judge's] eye... the Dalmatian, I think it's overlooked because of there's so many glamorous dogs in the non-sporting group and two of them are poodles.

There are no bad dogs in the world, only bad owners

All dogs are good. It's only owners that are dickheads. True. No bad dogs, only bad owners. That's a fact.

Getting hit in the nuts is the ultimate comedic punchline that no comedian can top

I think that's the ultimate punchline... No, I think getting hit in the nuts is... I have no jealousy as a comedian [of the guy who gets kicked in the balls].

The AAF outrating the NBA proves America loves football over everything else

We [the AAF] outrated the NBA game, the primetime NBA game, showing that America loves football over everything else, which we already know and we agree with.

The AAF should schedule their season to end exactly when March Madness begins

What would be great is if they did the schedule... when you get to February, you can play the remainder of your season so that the Super Bowl of the AAF ends right before March Madness begins. Because I'm just being totally honest... there are certain points in the year of sports that I just won't choose a minor league football team... over what I usually watch.

Tom Brady is a prisoner of his own success because of his extreme superstitions

Tom Brady's success is so successful and won so many Super Bowls, how many little things like this do you think he does in a day-to-day basis where he's like, well, it's helped me get to where I'm at? He's basically stuck in the most superstitious life of all time... He's permanently stuck upside down because he keeps winning Super Bowls... He's a prisoner of his own success.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Deshaun Watson is a much better pocket passer than people realize

I think he's a good pocket passer. I think that that's one thing that people, when you think of [Deshaun Watson], you immediately think of a guy that can move around and get away from pressure, but he is good in the pocket.

Core work is the most important thing for an athlete because everything connects to it

Tons and tons of core work to make sure that my core is locked in... Core is important. It's extremely important. It's the most important. That's what they say. Everything attaches to your core.

Being a professional athlete in America ruins your ability to be a fan because you know how the business works

American sports, I know how free agency works. I know how these backdoor conversations, I know how all the inner workings of it, and it kind of screws you up as a fan because it's hard to get fully into a team because you know how it all goes in the back end. So I'm watching [Premier League]... I don't know what the hell these transfer fees are... So I just blindly am a fan.

The Premier League is the most appeasing thing to watch in the morning because the green pitch lulls you like the Masters

The Premier League, part of the reason why people like watching it... it's very appeasing in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday. The pitch is so green, and it just kind of lulls you. It's like almost watching the Masters. It is a very nice, easy way to start the day.

The Celtics should trade whatever it takes to get Anthony Davis in his prime

If you can get a player like Anthony Davis in his prime, you do whatever it takes to get him. It's the exact same thing as the Khalil Mack situation. ...In the offseason, they're probably going to trade their entire team for Anthony Davis.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

Bob Costas is the first-ballot Hall of Famer of smelling his own farts

Listen, I like Bob Costas because he's got a big game voice and we grew up with Bob Costas, but he is number one in the Smell Your Own Farts Hall of Fame. He farts in his hand and cups it and puts it right to his nose.

Workers who cross picket lines as scabs should form their own union

I had this idea on Saturday to make a union of scabs. So scabs should unionize... scabs are the guys that come in and they take [picket-liners'] jobs and they'll go ahead and they'll work for lower pay... But the scabs themselves should unionize. It's like they should get together and demand better treatment.

LeBron James screwed over the Lakers by trying to tamper for Anthony Davis

LeBron screwed the Lakers. LeBron screwed the Lakers... This was like the most blatant act of tampering of all time... And now everyone hates him on the Lakers. And it's hilarious.

The Pelicans' refusal to trade Anthony Davis was a battle of owners reasserting power over players

The ownership decided this is where it stops. This is where it all stops. It was a battle of millionaires versus people of wealth. And the people of wealth said, you know what? We care more about football than we do about the NBA.

The Pelicans were smart to wait on the Anthony Davis trade to see the draft pick order and negotiate with the Celtics

The Pelicans did the smart thing, and they were just waiting to see who has what pick in the draft. And also, they can negotiate with the Celtics now, too. It was a smart move by the Pelicans [to] wait and see where all the picks land, see if the Celtics want to offer a better offer and not just trade Anthony Davis because he wants to be traded.

The Sixers are 'all in' on winning a championship this year

The Sixers are all in. They traded Markelle Fultz. They traded for Tobias Harris. They're all in. They're trying to win a championship this year.

San Antonio and Memphis are the best barbecue cities in the AAF

I think overall I have the best barbecue situation, San Antonio and Memphis [in the AAF].

You should stop saying 'Thank you for your service' to veterans and just talk to them normally

If you can think of probably anything to say, and you guys are smart, witty, clever guys, I would always suggest say something other than thank you for your service to a vet... maybe just like, how's it going? Hey, you're a human being. I'd like to talk with you.

Roger Goodell has a difficult job and is deserving of respect

I've known Roger for a long time... The job is a job, you know, and he's caught up in a complex tsunami of drama and players and egos and obviously complicated owners... I'm a fan of Rodgers. I don't think he gets everything right all the time, but I think if either of us, three of us had that job, we'd probably be vilified.

Roger Goodell's wife is awesome for using burner accounts to defend him

The one thing I'll say nice about Roger Goodell, he has to be doing something right to have such a ride-or-die wife. His wife is awesome, and she put those burner accounts together to defend him. She's a cool chick.

Kevin Durant creates the mercurial media narrative he hates by getting mad at reasonable questions

Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. Don't get so upset because then it creates a whole – Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. So it's just a constant dog chasing its tail.

I support a three-batter minimum for MLB relief pitchers

Three batter minimum, love it... I actually think they should go further with that. I think they should have a, if you come in on an inning, you have to finish the inning. Just watch guys get fucking torched.

A ground rule double in baseball should count as a home run

I also think that a ground rule double should be a home run. Not the weird one where it gets stuck in the ivy, but just if it bounces over, I think that should count as a home run.

I wanted the Patriots to win another Super Bowl now because Tom Brady's window is closing

I would say the Patriots just because Brady's window is closing. So the more he can get in before he retires, the better.

Brad Calipari's presence on the sideline is a psychological advantage for Kentucky

I truly do think [Brad Calipari] is a plus for Kentucky... when you show up and you have to play Kentucky, you're already in an uphill battle because they're a good team. And then you see this guy just mean mugging you with his half black half blue jean jacket... it just adds to the whole mystique of Kentucky basketball.

The Pac-12 is just soft because the weather is too perfect

The Pac-12 is just soft. Their only hope is to like import kids from the East coast... who wants to go to UCLA and like be in a gym all day, every day and work on your game? No, that's not why you go to UCLA.

The Big 12's dominance by Kansas is driven by their home court advantage, not the quality of the team this year

I don't think Kansas wins the Big 12 every year. I think Kansas fans win the Big 12 every year... Phog Allen Fieldhouse wins the Big 12 for Kansas every year. It's impossible to win in there, and so they go into every Big 12 season knowing that they're getting nine free wins. Their team sucks this year. If they had to play in Baylor's arena every single night, they're not winning the Big 12.

On The Bachelor, the person calling someone 'emotional' is usually the bully and vice-versa

I feel like the emotional one is actually the bully, and the bully is actually the emotional one... it's one of those I'm rubber or you call the other person what you really are. [You project it].

Super Bowl 53 was the worst Super Bowl I've ever watched

That was the worst Super Bowl. I think we can all agree the worst Super Bowl we've ever watched. [It] just wasn't well played. Like, it was compelling because it was close late... but it just was gross.

Super Bowl 48 was a worse game than Super Bowl 53

I would say the worst Super Bowl that I've ever watched is probably the Denver-Seahawks Super Bowl. But that was just because it was a blowout from the very start.

Vic Fangio is a good hire for the Broncos

I really think that Fangio is a good hire for the Broncos. Oh, yeah, absolutely. We haven't really talked about it that much.

A team with a fullback is the key to winning in the modern NFL because they zag when others zig

It's no coincidence that a team with a fullback is the reigning world champion because they zag when everybody else zigs. I'm serious.

Super Bowl 53 was Bill Belichick's best coaching job ever

I actually think this is probably his best coaching job. Because they're probably not the most talented Super Bowl team he's had, but they ran man basically all year, and then they ran zone in the Super Bowl and just fucked up Sean McVay.

If Roger Goodell had a brain, he would stop helping Dave Portnoy by arresting him

Arresting Dave at the game was such an all-time moment... no one plays into our hands better than the NFL. They're so dumb... thank you, Roger Goodell, for continually helping us.

The Raiders playing in a baseball stadium again in 2019 will be cool because of the wind and potential McCovey Cove punts

Oakland Raiders playing in baseball stadiums [is back]. You will get to see the Raiders play on dirt and grass for another year... it would be great if a punt or a field goal went into the bay... look out for wind. It's going to be windy there.

Saints fans are justified in being salty for months because the Rams only scored three points

If you're a Saints fan... that is the worst possible outcome to get over the loss... you have to sit there and say Drew Brees would not score three points in the Super Bowl. You have permission for me to continue all your salty behavior for another three months.

Marijuana is a better recovery tool for NFL players than opioids or Ambien

I didn't like taking Ambien. I didn't like opioids. I didn't like none of that stuff. The only thing that got me to level out and get some sleep, and because my knees were shot, was [marijuana].

Rob Ryan joining the Redskins as linebackers coach is huge for the defense

Rob Ryan has been hired as the linebackers coach for the Washington Redskins... we got Rob and Jim Tomsula testing the defense... this is huge news.

Some great coordinators are simply not meant to be head coaches

There are certain guys who were just assistant coaches... Just because you're good at being a defensive coordinator doesn't mean you can be a head coach... certain guys are meant to be a head coach, certain guys are not.

The NBA purposefully tried to cuck the NFL during Super Bowl week

I saw somebody tweet something out like, I've scored the first four days of Super Bowl week as 10-8, 10-9, 10-8, 10-9 in favor of the NBA... This is our week, NBA. You sons of bitches, NBA. You did it again.