2X SB Champ Kyle Van Noy + Hank Has To Buy A Cat

John Elway is officially canceled as a GM

John Elway has been canceled. He is obsessed with height. Height is not everything. He has traded for Joe Flacco... John Elway will not hear of anything unless you are a tall, rocket arm quarterback. And guess what? He's been canceled... He cannot find a quarterback.

Paxton Lynch is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback of the last 25 years

Paxton Lynch, I'm going to say it right now, is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback that has ever been drafted in the past 25 years... No one even knows if Paxton Lynch is good or not because he only played four games... a guy that you will soon just forget even existed.

John Elway is the third or fourth best quarterback of all time

He's probably the third best quarterback of all time. Third or fourth.

Joe Flacco is just a product of the Baltimore offensive system

This is the year where we find out if Joe Flacco is good or if he's just a product of that awesome Baltimore offensive system that's been so good throughout the years.

Oldest player dunking should be a new All-Star Weekend contest

We should, to make the dunk contest better, before the dunk contest, they should do a contest, oldest guy that can dunk. So oldest NBA player that can still dunk... I want to know who all the retired guys have gotten fat.

MLB is the only All-Star game that still gets the juices flowing

I feel like MLB is the only All-Star game that really gets the juices flowing now... at least still you can't half-ass baseball. A pitcher is still going to throw their stuff. Pro Bowl, NHL, NBA, everyone's just going through the motions.

If Duke doesn't reach the Sweet 16, I will buy and keep a cat

Sweet 16, you got a deal... So if Trey Jones is injured, they'll still get to the Sweet 16... No, you guys definitely fucking planned this before the show... I'm so confident in Duke that it doesn't matter.

Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the college season

I think Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the year and save himself for the NBA. Honestly, though, seriously, all jokes aside, if he blows out a knee or something like that, he probably won't be a top five pick anymore... Your job is not to make Coach K another $10 million. Your job is to look after your own future.

The Steelers should trade Antonio Brown back to the Steelers for a fresh start

Antonio Brown's a free agent. He wants to leave Pittsburgh... so just trade Antonio Brown to the Steelers. New start. New us.

Kirk Cousins needs to stop tweeting or only tweet about charity

Kirk Cousins has reached a point where he cannot tweet anymore... He is very, very earnest and genuine. He can't tweet. He cannot tweet anymore... The only thing Kirk Cousins should be tweeting is about charity. Go charity route or delete your account.

The Rams didn't add a single wrinkle to their offense for the Super Bowl

I couldn't believe that either. They really didn't do not one wrinkle... They got so many good players. They got so many things they've done all year. And the one play they gave us, which was a wrinkle, was the Brandin Cooks screen that hit for a little bit. And that was it.

I am not going to the White House to celebrate the Super Bowl win

No. I might make TMZ for that... People make it more big of a deal like this will probably get blown up.