Takes

Josh Allen is a perfect fit for the Buffalo Bills because he has big hands for the cold weather

I think that's a great fit for Bills Mafia. I think it's a great fit for, you know, people forget it's cold. Cold, windy, snowy up there. Big hands. Josh Allen checks off all those boxes. Fucking awesome.

Josh Rosen is the best passer in the 2018 NFL Draft class

Josh Rosen, I like Josh Rosen. I had him ranked number one on the Big Cat Big Board because I think he's the best passer.

The Bears drafting Roquan Smith means the Chicago defense is officially back

The Bears picked the best player in the entire draft. Roquan Smith probably should have won the Heisman. Bears defense is back.

NFL running backs are entering a new age of resurgence

People are talking shit about drafting a running back. Guess what? We are now living in the resurgence age of running backs.

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history, as I've long said.

I respect Eli Manning's move to force a trade on draft day

I respect the hell out of that move [forcing a trade like the Mannings did], but no, whoever decided that they wanted me, I was just going to be happy and go play for them.

The Vegas Golden Knights are the greatest expansion team in sports history

I mean, it's the best expansion team in the history of pro sports. I mean, that's saying something.

I hate the NBA and the entire league is disgusting

The whole thing is disgusting to me. I haven't changed my opinion on any of it. I hate the NBA.

'I had diarrhea' and 'Our country's national debt' are the two best excuses of all time

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, the two best excuses of all time are, I had diarrhea. Nobody asks you any more details. ... and, hey, do you know how much money we owe to China? What the fuck does it matter?

Meek Mill going to prison was actually great PR because it made everyone forget that Drake murdered him in a rap beef

I think this is great PR for Meek Mill. I think he's totally, like, everyone's forgotten about [the Drake beef]. ... Now he's a hero.

I'm officially canceling Russell Westbrook

I've canceled Russell Westbrook. He's canceled. He's done. I, white girl, can't even with him anymore. Dude, you know how lame you have to be to get owned by Mitt Romney? I mean, and Mitt Romney owned him. He showed him how many fouls he had.

The Thunder are trash and are not legitimate competitors

I'm done with anyone talking about the Thunder. I said this pre-playoffs. I called this. I said they are trash, and I do not want to hear about the Thunder being any kind of, like, even close to a competitor.

The Houston Rockets are too mentally weak to win the Western Conference

The Rockets almost have me questioning my original take of them being too mentally weak to win it in the West. I think that they... We'll talk about it later.

Gary Bettman is an expert at drawing attention to every product except for the NHL

Gary [Bettman] is at it again. He scheduled the second round playoff game between the Penguins and the Capitals for Thursday night, right up against the NFL draft. ... He knows how to draw attention to any product but his own.

Quentin Nelson is the best player in the 2018 NFL Draft

I think the best player in the draft is Quentin Nelson, but I'm a biased O-line lover. ... He's a guy at night before I go to bed, I might put on some Quentin Nelson highlights just to watch him.

D.J. Moore is the best wide receiver in the 2018 NFL Draft

[The best wide receiver in this draft is] D.J. Moore from Maryland.

NFL offensive line play is getting worse every year

I wouldn't take a quarterback moving forward that couldn't [extend the play] because O-line play is starting to deteriorate. All these colleges, they get less time with the guys. NFL, the new CBA, they get less time with the guys. And the O-line play in the league as a whole is getting worse and worse every year.

If you aren't good at your job, you should hang out around the office as much as possible to become the 'glue' that they can't fire

That's rule number one just in general if you're not that good at your job is you just hang out around the office a lot. And then people are like, 'Oh, well, we can't fire this guy. The workplace would be so different without him.' ... He's the glue.

John Elway falls in love with any quarterback he sees in person

I think John Elway's problem is that he just loves every quarterback. As a former quarterback, he will love you if he sees you, where if you wear a football, if you throw a football in front of him, he's like, I'm in love with this guy. He's awesome.

Colin Cowherd's theory of Manalytics is actually real

The theory behind it that the regular season doesn't matter and the playoffs get a lot harder and your flashy PER and how you score at such an insane pace in the middle of December, that doesn't matter in the playoffs. ... It sucks that we can't mock manalytics because it actually makes sense. ... manalytics are real.

The Bulls would have won the NBA title last year if Rajon Rondo hadn't gotten hurt

The Bulls probably would have won the title last year if [Rajon] Rondo didn't get hurt... because he was fourth gear Rondo. He was just getting ready.

Josh Allen has the highest upside but the lowest floor of any player in the draft

I kind of look at this like Josh Allen's got the biggest upside of maybe any player in this draft, but he also has got a low floor.

Saquon Barkley is a clean prospect and every bit as good as Fournette, Elliott, or Gurley

I'll tell you right now, the Barkley kids are every bit as good as any of those guys [Fournette, Ezekiel Elliott, Gurley] and totally clean off the field as well.

Quenton Nelson, Saquon Barkley, and Bradley Chubb are the three best players in the 2018 NFL Draft

I would take [Quenton Nelson] with the second pick. I would take him — him, [Saquon] Barkley, and [Bradley] Chubb were the three best players in this draft.

The Patriots' biggest needs are at left tackle and finding Tom Brady's successor

The two most obvious needs on the face of the Patriots franchise is there's a big donut at left tackle and who's Tom Brady's successor. And [Belichick] has got to figure out a way to get both of those done in the near future.

Derek Jeter has completely ruined his legacy as Marlins owner

I think Derek Jeter, I think we can say it now, he has completely ruined his legacy. It is unbelievable how much of a douchebag Derek Jeter has been in the last year. The fact that he sits there and says, you have to be mentally strong and you've got to get out there and compete every day and you never tell a team that they're not set up to win. Derek Jeter, you played for the New York Yankees.

The Pelicans are getting revenge on the Blazers because they took their hurricane logo personally

New Orleans saw that the Blazers have a hurricane as their logo, and they took it personally. And they're pissed off. Yep, they took all their angst out.

The Timberwolves are the saddest team in the world

The Timberwolves are the saddest team in the world. They are pretty bad. There's no really redeeming quality to watching them play.

The Washington Capitals should go back to Philipp Grubauer despite Braden Holtby's good play

Perfect time to go back to [Grubauer]. Right when they're not expecting it. I feel like the Caps should never play a hot hand too long. Just go the reverse of what everyone says you're going to play the hot goalie.

The Los Angeles Rams are being overhyped by the NFL schedule-makers

The Rams better be good because they got a lot of games that are on prime time.

The movie 'Boner Dogs' will be a success if it creates plot holes for fans to find

Listen, we're going to go with 'Boner Dogs' because the way to get a successful movie is to get on that website where they're like, there's a plot hole here.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

Tom Brady, on the other hand, I think he hates Belichick. I think they hate each other.

We should nuke aliens immediately if we find them

If we find a planet with aliens on them, we just nuke the planet immediately. Can't take that chance. They definitely have better weapons than us. We should become the aliens that we're afraid of coming to us.

Mint chocolate chip is the best ice cream flavor

My number one flavor... It's mint chocolate chip. Best ice cream flavor there is. Number one pick.

Phish Food is the best Ben & Jerry's flavor

I would die on this hill: Fish Food. It's got the marshmallow. And you know what I like? The crunch element is the chocolate-covered caramel fish.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA. He is a wagon. I expect anything from a Brad Stevens coached team. They just play so much smarter than everyone else.

The Vegas Golden Knights and Nashville Predators are the two best teams in the Western Conference

They look good enough in their previous games that we can say the Knights and the Predators are probably the two best teams in the West.

The Wizards need to blow up their current core

They need to blow up the Wizards... Eventually the same core, and they all kind of hate each other. You can tell they all hate each other, which is so funny.

The NFL should fine quarterbacks for receiver head injuries if the pass leads them into danger

Micah Hyde... came up with a new idea that actually makes a lot of sense about finding players for helmet-to-helmet hits. He thinks that quarterbacks should be fined for their receivers getting hit in the head if the quarterback leads them into danger. I don't hate it.

LeBron James was the hardest player to guard in the NBA during my rookie year

I'm going to go LeBron [James]. [Hardest guy I had to guard].

Competing is the only reason I run; I find the act of running itself boring

I love competing. I don't love running. I love competing... one of the hardest parts is just learning how to be bored for that long.

Shortening the MLB season and adding doubleheaders would make the sport better

Anthony Rizzo has said that he thinks we should play less baseball games, which I'm all for... Why don't we just start it later and do doubleheaders? Doubleheaders are such a fun, weird thing in baseball that they don't do enough... I think less baseball would make baseball, I think it'd be an addition by subtraction.

2-0 is the most dangerous lead in hockey

2-0 is the most dangerous lead in hockey, and the Blue Jackets have a 2-0 lead. They stink. I'm okay with that.

LeBron James needs to get back on social media to play well

I think Zero Dark 23 is actually bad for LeBron because he's such a millennial. He needs to be hooked up to his endorphin stream that comes from his Instagram account and his tweets. He needs to get back on social media.

The Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs

I think that the Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs right now.

The Raptors are so inside their own head that they have to treat Game 1 like a Game 7

The Raptors are so inside their own head that they start the playoffs with a game seven. Just trying to win a fucking home game. You're kind of blowing your load when it's game one... you're the one seed and you're treating it like a game seven.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

Ben Simmons should be eligible for Rookie of the Year because he didn't play a game his first year

He didn't play one game [his first year]? Then he's a rookie. I mean, you didn't do anything on the court to gain any experience or stuff. I think he's a rookie.

Jon Lester has 'the yips' and it is a sensitive subject

I don't really want to talk to him about [his bounce pass to first]. When you have that, when you don't want to throw the ball, I mean, it's in your mind. You don't want anybody to talk to you about it. Riz [Anthony Rizzo] talks to him all the time about it... I couldn't do it. It's a sensitive subject.

I would love to have Bryce Harper on the Cubs

I would love to have Bryce on our team. Who wouldn't? He's great.