Takes

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.

Foot injuries are not serious and everyone will think you're a pussy if you complain

Nobody likes it when somebody milks an ankle or a foot injury, okay? It's not that serious. If you got bit by a dog, it'd be a different story. Foot injuries are not serious. If you complain about them, everyone's just going to take your big push.

The Capitals losing Game 1 is good because you can't win a Cup without adversity

This is how you find out what your team's made of. You can't win a Stanley Cup if you don't have to battle through some adversity. Good news is we got it out of the way right away.

The Timberwolves are the hottest team entering the playoffs because they already played an elimination game

The Timberwolves, we can now say, are the hottest team in the playoffs because their playoffs already started. They played an elimination game against the Nuggets. So they already know what it's like to have playoff intensity.

Karl-Anthony Towns is a top 10 player and the clear leader of the Timberwolves over Jimmy Butler

Any time that you can get a team that has a really, like, a transcendent talent on there, like Cat, it's going to be fun to watch them in the playoffs... If we're playing Who's Man's with the Timberwolves, this is not Jimmy Butler's team. This is Cat's team. Cat is probably a top 10 player.

I am rooting for LeBron to get to the Finals just so he can lose for a 10th time

I'm rooting for the Cavs in the Eastern Conference this year... Because I want LeBron to lose again in the finals. I want the losses. I have the dream in my mind, the dream that Hank spoke out loud last year when he's like, what if LeBron ends up losing 10 NBA finals? So I am all in on the Cavs up until the finals.

The OKC Thunder are not a super team and Carmelo Anthony is trash

I do not give a fuck about the Oklahoma City Thunder. I do not care that they have three quote-unquote superstars because Melo is trash. Paul George and Russ Westbrook are still very, very good, but they are not going to beat anyone. Even if they win their first series, they're not going to do anything. It's like this thing that happens to everyone's brain where they see a couple of splashy names on a team together and they say super team. They don't let them get in a series. They could beat anyone. They could not beat anyone. They're not good.

I can make a fake inflatable Chick-fil-A to drive customers toward a real restaurant I own next door

We just make an inflatable Chick-fil-A that's never open, and then right next door is our Popeyes. It's a false flag franchise.

Football is a six-inch war focused on running the ball

We've got to run the ball. I mean, that's football. That's what this game's all about. It's a six-inch war. If you can't move people, you can't win. And, you know, that's the name of the game, no doubt.

Nerds run the world, but they don't run the football

Nerds run the world, though, brother. That's true. But they don't run the football. No, they don't, but we do. So we run the ball for them.

Kinnick Stadium is one of the hardest places to play in the Big Ten

It's great in Kinnick. You know, they're right there behind me, literally found in the front row of Kinnick. I mean, they are awesome. I mean, they are on you from the minute you walk in. It is pretty darn good.

Opponents lose to Northwestern in Evanston because they can't wake up for 11 a.m. kickoffs

Northwestern is a little smaller. Maybe a little sleepier. Guys have trouble getting up at 11 a.m. when they're posing... It's because it's 11 a.m. Everybody fell asleep in Madison... Couldn't wake up at 11 to play.

Putting puppies and DJs in the locker room is the key to keeping Rob Gronkowski from retiring

I actually think this is a great idea to keep Gronk around if you just fill the locker room with puppies... If you fill the Patriots locker room with nothing but puppies and DJs, Gronk will be there for life.

Bill Belichick could make Lamar Jackson a star on the Patriots

I think Bill Belichick probably make anyone good. [Lamar Jackson] won a Heisman... He made Matt Cassel good.

Swallowing gum is completely normal and no different than eating candy

I'm trying to educate the world that it's not, you can swallow [gum]. It's the same thing as candy. It's the same thing as a Tootsie Roll. It's the same thing as a piece of licorice. Once the flavor goes away, you swallow it.

Mark Zuckerberg is definitely a robot and failed his attempt to look human in front of Congress

He looked like a robot. Like full... If Mark Zuckerberg's sole attempt was to try to persuade people that he's not a bad guy... he failed terribly. He did because he looked like a robot. He had a terrible suit. He had a bowl cut... He just looked exactly like I would expect a robot to look.

Carmelo Anthony stinks as an NBA player

Can we, as like a society, just agree that we're not going to believe the bullshit hype with the Thunder? Melo stinks. I watched him play. All he does is run up and down. He runs three-point line to three-point line, and he doesn't play any defense, and he doesn't really move on offense, and he bricks shots. He stinks.

The Rockets and Raptors are frauds until they win a big game

These playoffs are the 'we don't actually believe in these teams' playoffs because everyone's talking about the Rockets, everyone's talking about the Raptors, and I don't believe in either of those teams until they actually win a big game, and neither of them are going to do it.

The 2018 Cavaliers have the least margin for error of any LeBron James team

I would say this year's Cavaliers have the least margin for error of any of [LeBron's] Cavaliers teams since he came back. And, you know, if Kevin Love gets hurt again somehow during this playoff run or if something bad happens like that to that team, there's no soft landing.

Journalists should be allowed to punch each other because of 'freedom of the press'

There's a little thing out there called freedom of the press, which means that journalists are allowed to do whatever they want... and say whatever they want, and you can't do anything about it. So they arrested this guy for just being a reporter.

Mark McGwire's claim that he didn't need PEDs for 70 home runs is ridiculous

Mark McGwire has come out out of nowhere and said that he didn't need PEDs to hit 70 home runs. He could have done it without him. All I got from this is Mark McGwire did PEDs. Sammy Sosa now was the home run king in 1998 with 66 home runs. It is hilarious to look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the A's and then look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the Cardinals.

Golf needs an asshole like Patrick Reed

I love Patrick Reed. I do love this man. He is a basic bitch. He's a man baby. On the golf course. He's a man baby. He's amazing. Yes, he's an asshole, but golf needs an asshole.

Ricky Fowler cannot win a major wearing a 'candy-ass' uniform on Sunday

I also feel bad for Sergio... I mean, we've long stood, you know, the Miami Dolphins, the Oregon Ducks. Teams that wear candy-ass uniforms in big-time moments, they just aren't as intimidating. And Ricky went with the creamsicle today, and I like Ricky. But I'm thinking maybe on Sundays in the majors, he needs to tone it down a little. You can wear the candy-ass uniforms after you bring home a title.

Getting called 'Big Dog' by a homeless person means you are losing weight

When we get catcalled by homeless people, usually it's 'big guy.' That's usually when you're at your fattest. 'Big dog' is a step below. And then when you get to it, it's just 'tall guy.' So I'm doing okay.

The opiate epidemic is much more harmful to the NFL player culture than marijuana

I do believe in the fact that the opiate epidemic is much more harmful to the player culture than marijuana would ever be. The continuation of them pumping players with opiates rather than finding some alternative is what is problematic to me.

NFL Draft prospects must understand they are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies

You've got to understand for the next, you know, four or five months, this is locked in time... You are going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, essentially. I never looked at it that way. Of course, I see it completely different now, and that's the way you have to look at it. You are the head of a foundation, of an organization, and you can be for a long period of time.

Josh Rosen thinks like LeBron James

He thinks like LeBron James thinks. He does. He loves football. He wants to be the best quarterback to have ever played, and what goes with that is most likely being in the biggest market, which could be the New York Giants. And that allows him for so many other business. He wants to be all that.

I would have been a bust even if I was drafted by the Colts instead of the Chargers

Do you think anything's different in your career if you go to the Colts instead of the Chargers? No, most likely not. It was me, right? It was my issue. So it really didn't matter geographically where I went.

The Malice at the Palace was worse for sports than Conor McGregor's bus attack

Peter King quote tweeted it and said, 'give me an example' [of things worse than the bus attack]. How about the time that the Pacers went into the stands and beat the fuck out of a bunch of fans? That feels like maybe worse.

Rocks are squishy until someone touches them

What if rocks are squishy until someone touches it? ... Whoa. It took you a second but now whoa that's crazy that's like they're all just a bunch of squishy starfish and then you touch it and it's hard. It gets real hard.

Conor McGregor's rampage at Barclays Center was a real incident, not a work

I cannot figure out, a lot of people are saying it might be a work. I think it's real. I think it's absolutely real.

Conor McGregor is bigger than the UFC

Conor McGregor's bigger than the UFC. That's really what it comes down to. I think Dana White actually has a problem here because he can't pay Conor McGregor what Conor McGregor is worth at this point.

We should harness the power of tectonic plates using 'Groundmills' for energy

Groundmills. We harness the power of the Earth's tectonic plates... We just put a windmill that moves. It's a giant blade. And so whenever the fault lines shift, it pushes this huge blade that makes electricity for everybody.

The Capitals are finally in the right position to win because they've become a 'switch-flipping' team like LeBron James.

I personally feel that [the Capitals] are in the right spot right now. They're a switch-flipping team. Like LeBron James flips a switch when they go to the playoffs. The Caps are flipping the switch.

Going to sleep is like a bed being a phone charger and humans being iPhones.

Juju Smith-Schuster, he tweeted this out... Y'all ever realize when we go to sleep, it's like the bed is the phone charger and we're iPhones?

Villanova is a basketball death squad

Villanova is a fucking death squad of a basketball team. There was a moment... when Michigan was up... and then Dante DiVincenzo showed up and basically... it's like that's it for Michigan. I'll tell you, you've never seen a team be up so fast so early and then know the instant the game was over even though it was still a tie game.

The Masters is the best golf tournament and fans should be allowed to enjoy it however they want

The Masters are the best, and you just lay off. I don't care if you're a casual golf fan. All you hard-o golf fans out there, shut the fuck up. I'm going to enjoy the Masters any way I want. I'll say something wrong. I'll tweet something about a slice when it was a fade. I don't care.

The Oakland A's low attendance signifies that baseball is dwindling away

My hot seat is the Oakland A's and baseball in general. Oakland A's only managed to draw 7,000 people for their game against the Rangers last night. ... I mean, baseball, another sign. Baseball's dwindling away.

If Villanova is a blue blood, one of the existing college basketball blue bloods needs to be shuffled out

Villanova is now getting called a blue blood. So maybe one less seat at the table. You can't only have so many blue bloods. Are we going to shuffle someone out? I don't know.

Josh Rosen's intelligence and outside interests are red flags for NFL teams

I think a red flag has been brought up for Josh Rosen that he's too smart and that he cares too much about things besides football. ... Teams should send scouts to the UCLA library and hang out there, see how many times Josh Rosen comes in... if you're reading more history books than your playbook, then it's going to be a real issue.

Professional wrestling is just as 'real' as professional sports because both are forms of entertainment that people become obsessed with

I think wrestling's real. So wrestling runs a lot of parallels with sport. People get lost and obsessed in sport. Sport is merely a game. ... And what we do is just an exhibition to try to drum up the same fanatical response.

If you want bigger arms, you should focus on your triceps instead of your biceps

If you want bigger arms first, I would focus on triceps because they're a bigger, meatier muscle. And you probably will do, like, more pressing movement, so you'll get bigger everything kind of.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Watching the NBA makes you realize how bad college basketball players are at shooting

You watch college basketball for three straight weeks, and then you switch back to the NBA, and you actually wonder if the NBA has bigger rims, because every shot seems to go in. It's like, oh, hey, that open three-pointer, they made it. Oh, wow, a guy didn't just throw one off the backboard when the shot clock's expiring.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

John Beilein is a Hall of Fame coach

What Coach Beilein has done, and I don't think he's given enough credit. I think he's a Hall of Fame coach.

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Sweden is my World Cup team for 2018

I think Sweden is my World Cup team. Dude, I'm Swedish. I would know. I'm like one 16th... I got all the shitty parts of being Swedish.

Baker Mayfield screen-grabbing negative tweets is a baby back bitch move

Baker Mayfield apparently is screen grabbing everything that's ever been said about him negatively. Sounds like a baby back bitch move that Kevin Durant does.