Takes

Kevin Durant is the softest superstar of all time

But he [Durant] has to be the softest superstar of all time. LeBron does not get triggered. Kevin Durant had a burner account fucking responding to his own tweets. He literally goes on these podcasts and sounds so angry about everything... stop being such a baby all the time.

If you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life

Trevor [Bauer], the old saying goes, you can build a million bridges, but if you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life.

StatCast is a fraud because they just guess the numbers

I fucking hate you, StatCast, you fraud bitch. Exit velocity 117 miles per hour, which honestly doesn't sound like it's that fast. Someone asked me a stat cast today for, I think it was Ian Happ or maybe Rizzo's home run, and I did not look, and I was like one mile per hour off from the actual stat cast. So that is why they are frauds. They just guess.

Yankees fans become insufferable immediately on Opening Day

My biggest takeaway from opening day is how much it sucks living in New York when the Yankees, like last year, it wasn't until the end of the season where Yankees fans got insufferable. Day one for the rest of the season. Giancarlo, bro.

You can't live and die on every pitch once you get past the age of 18

You can't live and die on every pitch once you get past the age of 18. ... It's just life. Life eventually beats you down. ... You haven't been excited about a lot of things recently [to Hank].

Michigan is the 'Texas of football' in college basketball and I want to see their fans cry

Michigan is number one. Because that fan base, there are some tears to be had there. They're kind of like the Texas of football. Michigan has been teetering on being back for a while. I think this is the year that they're officially cemented as being back. But if they get that taken away from them immediately, that would be great.

Banks should show you your recurring monthly charges so you can see where you're wasting money

How come when I log into my Bank of America account... all I really want to see is what my recurring monthly charges are? Because I'm sure I'm probably spending $200 a month on stuff that I don't use anymore. How come banks just haven't figured out a way to be like, hey, here's what you're wasting money.

I'm starting a styrofoam cup and plastic bag company to 'zig' on the green energy market

What do you think the reception would be if we tried to start a styrofoam cup plastic bag company? ... I feel like there's a market for it because a styrofoam cup is a sturdy cup. ... I bet you we could get in on this nostalgia and be like 'hey, remember the cups that like killed all the wildlife in the world? We're bringing them back.'

There is too much sugar in the world and not enough salt (truth-tellers)

There's not a lot of truth tellers in the world anymore. And so sometimes instead of saying the entire truth, people say a portion of the truth and then try to say something maybe that's kind of sweet so it's not offensive... There's a little too much sugar, and sometimes it doesn't have to be sugar. We just need to tell the truth.

Derek Jeter is unqualified to run a baseball team

What has Jeter done ever to run a team as a success? What has he done ever, period? What businesses has he ever run? ... Bernie Williams carried him when he was on the Yankees. So what makes him qualified to run this team other than he was a ball player? None. Nothing.

The Marlins need to market themselves as an expansion team and lower expectations

They're like an expansion team. I told them at the town hall meeting and in my meeting, you've got to make people think it's an expansion team and lower expectations. ... Stop trying to tell everybody you're going to be a winner this year.

MLB should have every player miked up for regular season games

They should just have everyone miked at all times. I would love it. I'd watch another feed. ... First five innings. Perfect.

The Sixers are easy to guard in the playoffs because Ben Simmons can't shoot

Ben Simmons can't shoot, so if you just take them out of his hands, it's a lot easier to guard a team with four players instead of five.

I always knew I was going to be an NFL quarterback

Going back to high school, this is the only thing I've ever wanted to do. Be an NFL quarterback. Didn't have a plan B. This is what I was going to make happen. ... [I always knew it was going to happen].

I could kill a man with a football from 10 yards away

If a guy's standing right there and I threw a football at his head, I think I could kill him. ... Deadly within probably 10 yards, I'd imagine.

Ronda Rousey is in the middle of a 'heel turn' in her media appearances

I have to stay woke on it. I think she's turning heel. This is the start.

College basketball is better when Grayson Allen is playing the villain role

College basketball is better when you've got Grayson Allen shoving his ass into people and spitting on old ladies on the side of the court.

John Beilein is the best coach in college basketball

John Beilein, he's the best coach in college basketball. I said it before the tournament. Their defense is unbelievable. Their offense has kind of finally shown up.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

Cubs fans have issues if they think Bryce Harper is the solution to turning the franchise around

If Cubs Nation is banking on Bryce Harper to turn our franchise around, they have a lot of issues.

It is an honor to be invited to the White House regardless of political views

If we win the World Series, am I going to the White House? I think it's an honor to be invited to the White House. No matter your political view or whatnot, there's a lot of history there.

Physical wide receivers are harder to cover than fast ones

I think a wide receiver, that's physical [is harder]. Just for the simple fact, they could push you everywhere, but you're not allowed to touch them at all.

Donte Moncrief is a sleeper wide receiver that people are currently overlooking

I like Moncrief. We signed Moncrief... I think people sleep on him a lot. I played him for three years straight... I saw what [he] was capable of.

The Jaguars defense is elite because of the secondary, not the defensive line

I'm going to say DBs just because of who we got back there. Defensive Baxonville. That's what it should be, not Saxonville. Pick six in Ville.

Deion Sanders is the best cornerback in NFL history

Who is the best cornerback in the history of the NFL? Deion Sanders, Jason Sehorn? I'm going with Deion Sanders.

Chris Collinsworth is a biased broadcaster who irks players

You could tell [Chris Collinsworth] is a little bit biased... A lot of people say he irks them... I just didn't like how he was talking... the one play in the Super Bowl when [Zach] Ertz scored and he was saying, 'that better not be a catch.'

The claim that LeBron James gains seven pounds during a single game is stupid junk science

The fact that LeBron James gained seven pounds during a game is probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard. As big junk science fans, we've heard a lot of ridiculous claims.

Duke only lost to Kansas because of a blown call on a blocking foul

[Duke] just lost when they should have won because they got called for a blocking foul that was a charge.

College basketball teams should foul earlier because college players cannot hit free throws

The one thing that pisses me off this entire tournament... the fact that teams won't extend games. You should make kids shoot free throws in college. They can't hit free throws. And we saw that later with Kentucky.

Gonzaga is the 'always a bridesmaid, never a Cinderella' of college basketball

I guess we have to smash the fraud button on Gonzaga. Always a bridesmaid, never a Cinderella.

Michigan looks as good or better than any team in the tournament except Villanova and Duke

Michigan looks as good, if not better than any team except for Villanova this tournament. And well, Duke.

Sam Darnold's draft stock improved because he threw in the rain during his pro day

Are you nervous that Sam Darnold could throw in the rain? ... There actually were articles written that was the rainy weather. Did the rainy weather help Sam Darnold's draft stock? I think absolutely.

The Jason Pierre-Paul trade to the Buccaneers is not a blockbuster

Do you think that JPP is worth blockbuster trade when tweeted? Because Adam Schefter said JPP getting traded to the Bucs is a blockbuster trade. ... I think four years ago it definitely would have been.

Losing to UMBC is a win for Virginia fans because it replaces the Ralph Sampson loss as the most notable upset in school history

I've got a spin zone for you. ... People are not going to probably talk about Ralph Sampson and the Chaminade loss now that Virginia has a more notable loss.

Never partner with someone in business who cheats on their family

Somebody said to me, man, don't be partners with somebody who would cheat like that because he'll screw you in a heartbeat. ... If you're cheating someone else, then I'm convinced you're going to cheat me too.

An excuse is nothing more than a rationalization of a mistake

I realized everybody's got a [fucking] excuse for their shortcomings. ... An excuse is a rationalization of a mistake. ... Every time we come up with an excuse, it makes us feel good about something we should feel bad about.

People with the biggest egos have the thinnest wallets

You ever notice that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Because he doesn't listen to anybody. His ego gets in a way that's typically not very successful.

Zing Zang is the superior Bloody Mary mix compared to handmade versions

I've discovered that the best mix by far for Bloody Mary is Zing Zang mix. There are a lot of places that tout their Bloody Marys as being handmade, and I always say, no, I'm not going to deal with that. I want Zing Zang.

A 'hangover bar' is a bad business idea because it makes the establishment look irresponsible

The problem with [a hangover bar] is that when bars start to support hangovers, we're perceived as irresponsible. ... We're giving you more of a motivation to have one.

Kentucky lost to Kansas State because they missed 12 free throws, proving they aren't actually overrated

Remember when we did our March Madness preview with our friend Mark Titus? And I said free throws are overrated. Kentucky lost by three. ... P.J. Washington missed 12 free throws. Wow. ... That seems like you want to make those free throws.

Nick Saban only hires former head coaches as interns so he can eventually beat them

Is this Nick Saban thinking ahead and saying, Butch Jones might get another job in the SEC, so I need to put him under my coaching tree so that I can beat him? Because he's undefeated against his coaching tree.

Skyline Chili is terrible and only worth eating for the laughs

If I never stepped foot into Skyline Chili again, that would be fantastic. But then whenever we're in the Ohio area, PFT's like, it would be funny if we went to a Skyline. ... [We] sit there silently trying one bite and being like, nope, still terrible.

I would kill the horse Nyquist to recruit LeBron James to my basketball team

I'm totally serious about killing Nyquist. That's not a threat. That's an actual thing. We're threatening LeBron that he might get more horse heads in his bed if he doesn't sign with the breakers.

Every US taxpayer has a right to see the President's penis

In my opinion, every single United States taxpayer has a right to see the president's [Trump's] dick. I don't care if it's Donald Trump.

The NFL should reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl

Reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl. So you can have your one day with the family. And then, bam, right back into football before President's Day. Make it a national holiday.

MLB Opening Day should be a national holiday

I'm extremely excited about opening day because for the first time, you're going to have all 30 teams playing on the same day, March 29th. It should be a national holiday. Everybody should be up for work. Even you guys should be just watching baseball that day.

Aaron Rodgers is not overrated for only having one Super Bowl ring

I don't think people should throw trash about him because, first of all, he's one of the greatest quarterback. He's going to finish there his career. One of the greatest I ever played a game. And bro, at the end of the day, winning a Super Bowl is not an easy thing to do. The longest you win one, you're good.

Clayton Kershaw runs out of gas in the playoffs because he pitches too much in the regular season

I think Kershaw, he need to start looking at the regular season, he needs to reflect the playoff on the regular season. He seems like he goes too far during the regular season. And once the playoff kicks in, he seems like he is a little bit out of gas. If you are up by five runs in the sixth, why you got to continue going out there?

Charge calls are the worst part about basketball and should be banned

I don't understand what's a charge and what's a block anymore, so you've got to just get rid of one of them, and you're not going to get rid of the block call. [Charges] are the worst part about basketball in general.