Takes

I can't shoot free throws if I can see myself on the jumbotron behind the basket

If I can ever see myself shooting a free throw on a camera or something in the background, I'll miss every time. I've played in games where you can see yourself on the video board behind the basket shooting. That fucks you up.

The 2018 first weekend was the craziest in NCAA tournament history

I actually I'm gonna say it: it was the craziest first weekend in tournament history. We had the first ever 16 beat a one... you had two seeds that both could have won the tournament, UNC and Cincy, and then you had two three seeds, Michigan State and Tennessee, who lost.

Kentucky has the easiest path to the Final Four in 2018

Kentucky could not have had a better bracket. Now with everyone imploding in their bracket, they have to get to the Final Four. Because they have no choice now. They have the easiest path to the Final Four.

The Syracuse zone is the college basketball equivalent of Navy's triple-option offense

I compare the Syracuse zone to Georgia Tech's offense or Navy's offense in football. It's not fun to watch. It's not especially exciting. But it's so much different from everything else that you see all year that a team that plays that zone can beat any team in the country a couple times out of ten.

Deandre Ayton and Allonzo Trier checked out of the Arizona program early for the NBA

I thought in Arizona it was disinterest. I thought they thought, okay, we'll play this game, but then it got to be too much hard work... I think Trier and the big kid [Deandre] Ayton had said they're going to the NBA. I think they just checked out.

Miles Bridges doesn't have a versatile game and is just a jump shooter

Everybody tells me how good Miles Bridges is, right? He's great. And I've said he doesn't really have a game. He's a jump shooter. He's a really nice kid... but how – if you're supposed to be an NBA lottery pick... you've got to be able to go in the middle of a zone.

Villanova is the best team in the 2018 NCAA tournament

Nova, absolutely. Nova's the best team in the thing so far, I think.

Chris Farley is not funny; he's just a 'fat guy jiggling'

Chris Farley still isn't funny. People have sent me these memes on Chris Farley. I'm like, yeah, it's a fat guy jiggling. Every meme I see, he's just jiggling.

I chose retirement to avoid moving my family for a one-year deal

It's going to be a one year deal. So it's probably going to only be for six months. And then I'm going to move back to Nebraska... If I was going to play, I felt like it was going to be me being a little bit selfish because it's been about me the last 10 years. So maybe it's time to be about my family a little bit more.

If your name is 'Big Baby' Davis, you shouldn't be allowed to be charged as an adult in court

Also, we'll have to ask our lawyer about this, but if your name is Big Baby, can you really be charged as an adult?

The anxiety of betting on March Madness is crippling.

I hate March Madness... because the anxiety of betting is crippling. I love it because it's an excuse to sit and watch basketball for 24 hours in four days span.

The 2018 NCAA Tournament has the worst hair in tournament history.

I'd like to just say this might be the worst hair that I've ever seen in the NCAA tournament all around. It used to be bad tattoos. Now it's bad hair.

Tom Crean will never have an FBI scandal because he is 100% above board.

There's zero chance that Georgia gets caught up in an FBI scandal with Tom Crean. Because that guy is above board 100%.

Jimmy Graham is over the hill and past his prime.

I think Jimmy Graham's over the hill. I'll sit on that take, and I'll probably be wrong, but I'm happy to say it.

Don't bet every game of the NCAA Tournament if you want to win money.

You survive March Madness by not betting every game... You can't bet every game and beat these guys. The lines are too tough.

The Under is usually the best bet in the first two days of the NCAA Tournament.

Under is usually the first couple of days. I want you to look at. So I'd be careful [of the Over].

John Skipper's story about leaving ESPN due to cocaine extortion is missing key details.

I don't believe this is the full story. So my PR 101 would be maybe tell the whole story because now people are going to be like, huh, that seems a little odd. You were infrequent and you were careful. And then all of a sudden some random drug dealer was like [going to extort you].

Jon Gruden is a fun coach and person if you have the right mindset.

If you have a problem with John Gruden, that's about your mindset. You have a post-1999 mindset, and you need a flashback. [To me] he is a fun guy.

Kirk Cousins is just a more reliable version of Case Keenum

The Vikings have decided that they wanted to upgrade from Case Keenum to maybe a more reliable Case Keenum. Kirk Cousins is not that much different... lightning in a bottle Case Keenum, I think is the same as Kirk Cousins.

Kirk Cousins is only good enough to take a team exactly where they already were

As somebody who's watched a lot of Kirk Cousins games over the past like five years, he is just good enough to get you exactly where you got last [year].

Teddy Bridgewater going to the Jets is a bad move because he'll look bad in the green uniforms

Teddy Bridgewater reportedly going to the Jets. That sucks for Teddy because that's one of those uniform things where as soon as he puts on the green, you're going to be like, that guy sucks.

Signing Danny Amendola represents a culture change for the Dolphins

Danny Amendola down to the Dolphins. Culture change in Miami. That's what they're saying. Getting rid of [Suh] and Jarvis Landry. They're doing a culture change.

Virginia is the best team in college basketball but losing DeAndre Hunter is a massive blow

I think [Virginia] were definitely the best team in college basketball... But this injury does matter a lot. DeAndre Hunter was one of the guys that made me optimistic about this Virginia team versus their teams of the past. He's by far their most talented player.

Xavier is the weakest #1 seed and lucky to be there

Xavier's definitely the weakest one seed. I don't love teams that don't play defense in March... Xavier feels like one of those teams to me that their defense is going to come catch up to them. They're going to look really bad.

Jordy Nelson is Bill Belichick's wet dream

I'm more interested about Jordy Nelson because if he's still capable of playing how he played two years ago before he got injured, he is Bill Belichick's wet dream. Belichick is going to send in a SWAT team to just kidnap him.

The Warriors' greatness allows them to openly disrespect the rest of the league

I love any team that reaches that level of greatness where they can blatantly just spit in your face and say, you're not going to beat us... We get drunk. We can skip games. We skip practices. This is all just a formality for us because when it comes to the playoffs, we're going to kick your ass.

CBS ruined Selection Sunday by using alphabetical order for the bracket reveal

The Selection Sunday show was fucking terrible. They had alphabetical order, which was so stupid. We basically sat there like, what's going on? And then three or four times said, wait, is that team in or out? Because you just keep missing teams and there's no bracket. Then they make you wait for the bracket. Then there's technical difficulties. Fuck everything. They ruined one of the best things in sports.

Notre Dame was robbed of a tournament spot because they have the potential to make a run

Notre Dame should have been in. I know the selection committee says, well, road wins matter, and conference, how are you doing your conference, and the Q1 wins. The other pieces to it should be, can this team make a run? And Notre Dame was one of those teams.

Arizona winning the national championship would be the ultimate 'fuck you' to the NCAA

You know what would be the absolute best, as the biggest fuck you to the NCAA, is if Arizona won the whole thing. That's what I'm rooting for. I'm standing on the table. I'm a table stander for Sean Miller.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

Reggie Bush is still the 2005 Heisman winner despite the vacated trophy

Reggie Bush was the Heisman that year. That's my guy. But he's still the Heisman in my book.

College athletes should get paid because they put their bodies on the line to raise money for universities

Yes, they should get paid. I mean, they're putting their body on the line. They're doing all of the above and raising money and putting money in your pocket. I mean, you should do something, especially for the guys that get hurt.

My NFL career would have been much different with a coach other than Jeff Fisher

Definitely, definitely [it would have gone differently with a different coach]. I don't put nothing on Coach Fish. He had a little bit of something to do with it. But, I mean, I always put myself and blame myself.

I would have been successful in the modern NFL because of my game planning strategy

I think I have success, period. Just that's more confidence in myself and my teammates. ... I have some tactics, some strategies. ... First half maintain, and then the second half, go the fuck off. That's what I mean. ... I kind of played dumb the first half. Like I didn't see that blitz or I didn't see that throw. And then when Coach called it again and when it started to happen, when it matters [I'd go off].

Jarvis Landry and Josh Gordon are the best wide receiver duo in the NFL

I saw somebody on Twitter say Jarvis Landry and Josh Gordon are probably the best wide receiver duo in the NFL, and I would agree with that if it wasn't the Browns. There's just something about the uniform that will make both of them – their powers combined is the opposite of synergy. It makes them suck more.

Russell Wilson is a top seven quarterback

Russ Wilson is still, I don't want to get in the offseason elite question, but I would say he's top seven quarterback.

Kirk Cousins is the perfect fit for the Denver Broncos

I just feel like Denver is just a perfect fit for Kirk [Cousins]. Not only just from my point of view, but if you just sit down and you look at it, it really doesn't get any better than that.

Brock Osweiler has the ideal size and delivery for an NFL quarterback

I think [Brock Osweiler]'s the size that you want. If you're tall like that, you have long arms. And his delivery, if he can master it, it's like nobody will have an arm like that. I like tall quarterbacks from Brock Osweiler, Ryan Mallett... [and] Josh Allen.

Russell Wilson is the hardest quarterback to play against

Probably Russell Wilson... Just because he just breaks up the plays and you never get a hand on him? Yeah, he don't get tired, man. He run left, right, left, right... with Russell Wilson, he's trying to take the distance every single time.

I will be the 'Von Miller' of anything I choose to do

I think I would have been the Von Miller I am now in anything that I would have did. So if I would have been, you know, on this show with you guys, I feel like I would have been the Von Miller of talk shows.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

Peyton Manning definitely used insider knowledge to sell his Papa John's franchises

Peyton Manning sold 31, all 31 of his Papa John franchises in the Denver area. Two days before Papa John was no longer the official pizza of the NFL... You are a savvy investor, my friend. Very smart. You read the tea leaves.

College basketball and the Little League World Series have the most in-game crying in sports

I don't know what it is, but it's college basketball has the most. It's probably it's Little League World Series and then college basketball for most tears in game.

Teams with celebratory benches are the most likely to cry after a loss

I like the teams that are the ones that get celebrated early in the year as having the best bench... Those teams are full of criers. If you show that much emotion after a late first half three-pointer, then you're going to turn the waterworks on when you lose in your conference semifinals.

The new TBS Selection Sunday format is stupid and ruins the bubble watch excitement

The Selection Sunday Show by TBS... They basically said... we're actually going to reveal the entire field. And then reveal the bracket at the end of the show. So basically ruin all the bubble watch. ... Literally every single person in America just wants to see the fucking bracket.

The Thursday noon game in the NCAA tournament is a fan's death sentence

The Thursday noon game, if your team gets that, it's a death sentence. You get really drunk on Friday, and then you can watch your team on Sunday hungover.

Ed Hochuli's retirement is a major blow to the NFL's masculinity

My hot seat is NFL's masculinity. Ed Hochuli retired. He's gone. There's going to be no more giant arms coming at you every Sunday, so I don't know what NFL's going to do. They need someone to fill the void of just a jacked, jacked ref.

Pizza Hut deserves more recognition now that they are the official NFL sponsor

My cool throne is Pizza Hut. We didn't really talk about this on the show last week, but Pizza Hut is now the official sponsor of the NFL. And that's huge because Pizza Hut's delicious, and I'm just happy that they're getting the recognition they deserve.

Taco Bell's CEO is the perfect hire for Chipotle

Chipotle just hired Taco Bell's CEO. And we all know that Taco Bell never causes any sort of intestinal discomfort. ... It's really the only hire that you can make if you're Chipotle. Like, who else in America knows how to package tortillas, rice, tomatoes, cheese, meat, and sour cream?

No one will run on Jon Lester because they're afraid of being picked off by a bounce throw

So John Lester's on the cool throne. He is going to unveil a new bounce throw to first base. ... You can't be the guy who gets picked off from a bounce throw. So now you got to be thinking about that in the back of your head. Don't run on Jon Lester because the embarrassment will be suffocating.