Takes

February is the trashiest month of the year

February really is just the trashiest month, because there's just nothing. There's nothing like March Madness at least you get your pep back but like February... you just kind of walk around aimlessly.

I'm worried Yu Darvish will 'nibble' too much and pitch slow games for the Cubs

The meatball fan in me was like, I'd like Jake Arrieta because he's been there and done that... [Yu Darvish] nibbles. Dude, when he gets in trouble, he nibbles. Nothing worse than watching a pitcher pitch like five innings for four hours.

I am pretending it is summer and tanning on Tuesdays for my mental health because winter is terrible

I am so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter... this is a personal decision for my own mental health.

Kim Jong-un's sister is a 'smoke'

So all the war crimes, all the shit that he does that's terrible... not a big deal because his sister's hot. Everyone was flipping out because Kim Jong-un has a hot sister... his sister's kind of a smoke. His sister's stealing the show. His sister's the Pippa Middleton of the Olympics.

I won't ever return to the Cleveland Browns

I would think not [to giving Cleveland another shot]. We've been down that path. We've seen it... I just don't see what the benefit would be to go back and try and do it all over again... if anything, that bridge is probably still flaming a little bit.

The NCAA is the biggest racket in the world

I think the NCAA is the biggest racket, like, in the entire world, right? There's nothing as, like, as viewed, as watched as, like, college sports are... for me to be a nice guy and go out and sign a lot of autographs and they get turned around and sold, what did I really do wrong?

The XFL will fail if it tries to be a direct competitor to the NFL

I feel like they're trying to make it direct competition with the NFL, and, you know, that's just not going to happen. The thing that makes the XFL so special was the hard-nosed badassery of the whole thing.

I am officially smashing the panic button on the Celtics

I'm smashing the panic button. Smash. Panic button might be broken. I hit it so hard. I really thought... [the Celtics] could beat the Cavs. Maybe if they got lucky, beat the Warriors. [But after today] there's really no hope for, like, another two years.

The Cavaliers became a much better team by getting younger and more athletic at the trade deadline

LeBron actually made his team better... He got younger, more athletic. They stopped doing the whole, like, let's just get these veterans on the league minimum to come and all my friends will come and hang out and we'll try to beat the Warriors. Not going to work. So they got younger, better.

The Boston Celtics have regressed defensively compared to their early-season dominance

I think the Celtics have actually regressed a little bit defensively. Some of that is that it was just a shock that they were clearing away the number one defensive team in the league because I didn't really expect that, especially with the overhaul of young players.

Cleveland is not in 'fourth place' for LeBron James; they have a realistic chance to keep him

If I were rating these things, people act like Cleveland is in fourth place for the LeBron pursuit this offseason, and I just don't believe that's true.

Golden State is still significantly better than any other NBA team, regardless of mid-season momentum from Houston or OKC

As good as Houston's looked against them, as good as OKC looked the other night against them, I just know that there's a version of Golden State that I still trust is better than everybody else... Let's not let 'new' get in the way of what Golden State still is. And Golden State is on year four of maybe the best team we've ever seen in the history of this league.

Tom Brady is a 'pretty boy' who makes out with his son and is full of 'bullshit' health claims

Tom Brady is a pretty boy... that doesn't mean he's not the best quarterback of all time but he is a pretty boy... this is the most dickhead statement I've ever heard. He says 'I can't get sunburned because I stay so hydrated.' Just cut out with the bullshit. Let's be human for a minute.

The 'Patriot Way' is a fear-based organization where players don't actually enjoy themselves

I just think the the Patriot Way is it's a fear-based organization. Obviously, do they win? Hell yes, they win... Do I think people enjoy... you can say I had a lot of fun playing there? No, I don't. When they go to interviews they act like fucking robots. Hey, let's stop being a dickhead. We can be cordial for a little bit.

Winning one Super Bowl while having fun is better than winning five and being miserable

I would much rather have fun and win a Super Bowl than be miserable and win five Super Bowls.

There is no quarterback controversy in Philadelphia; Carson Wentz is the starter

No, Carson's our guy. But, hey, you really never know in this business.

The next quarterback up for a contract always gets an overvalued deal that makes people flip out

The yearly next guy up for contract gets the biggest deal in the NFL, biggest QB deal in the NFL, and then everyone flips out. How could you pay him that much? ... Aaron Rodgers is probably going to sign a deal for a billion dollars.

The Olympics starting events before the opening ceremony is total 'bullshit'

Why does curling start before everything else? They really need that much time to do curling? ... So they don't light the torch, but they play the Olympics. It's bullshit. So-called bullshit.

Olympic events starting before the Opening Ceremony should be moved to avoid the delay

I don't like the Olympic Games getting started before the opening ceremony. Just move the opening ceremonies a couple days earlier. I need a torch.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal could have won six or more championships if they had stayed together

If those two [Kobe and Shaq] could figure out a way to make it work, they could be a really good duo. They could probably win four in a row... Five, six, yeah. Unlimited. Sky's the limit with those two.

If Andrew Luck was 100% healthy, Josh McDaniels would have taken the Colts job

I'll put it this way. If Andrew Luck was 100% healthy, then [Josh] McDaniels takes this job.

Josh McDaniels only stayed in New England because Tom Brady promised to play three more years

I don't think [Josh] McDaniels walks away from Indianapolis if Tom Brady doesn't say to him, 'I'm gonna stay for three more years.' [Josh] McDaniels would be the dumbest person in the world if Belichick's like, 'Yeah, I'm done next year,' and Brady's like, 'Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna play more than one year,' because then he would basically be [stuck].

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are not on good speaking terms

I absolutely believe that Tom Brady and [Bill] Belichick are not on good speaking terms right now. And maybe this is also a thing where Tom Brady... is like, you know what? I'm going to retire if Josh [McDaniels] leaves.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are in serious trouble because they have the worst defense in the league

Up until this week, they had a worse defense than the Sacramento Kings and the Phoenix Suns, who are actively trying to lose games. Cleveland is actually trying to win if they were that bad. So yeah, I do think they're in trouble because they can't defend anyone. And their offense, because Isaiah Thomas can't get a shot right now... isn't quite good enough.

The Houston Rockets are frauds because they are trying to beat the Warriors at their own game

Fraud. Because they're going to try to beat the Warriors at the Warriors game. Fast pace, shooting threes, what they don't realize is the Warriors also play great defense.

Russell Westbrook is the new Allen Iverson: an amazing individual player but not a team guy

I think he's going to end up being like kind of the new Iverson. Amazing individual player, great highlights, real fun, but not quite equipped for analytics... because he can't shoot threes. And so there will always be this inefficient tag to him. And he's just more of an individual than a team guy.

Bill Belichick's two best qualities are insight and foresight

There's two qualities that he by far stands apart from everyone else. And I call them insight and foresight. On insight, I mean on a daily and weekly basis, he's on top of everything all the time... and then foresight. Foresight he always seemed to be one step ahead of everybody else. He'd get rid of that guy that everyone still loved, but it was towards the end of his career, and then the next year they'd fall off the shelf.

It is acceptable for Eagles fans to eat horse poop to celebrate their first Super Bowl

I actually stand with the guy who ate the poop. Because I think that's okay. When your team wins a Super Bowl and they've never won a Super Bowl and it's like the immediate euphoria, you are allowed to lose your mind. So I do not call that trash for Philly.

The Eagles must keep Nick Foles because Carson Wentz might not be ready for the season

I think [the Eagles] should keep Nick Foles for the time being because who's to say Carson Wentz is going to be all of a sudden better in eight months? ... We've been kind of numb to the fact that ACL recoveries are still pretty intense... Carson Wentz is going to take a while.

The Patriots play the best Super Bowls and their games are always entertaining

The Patriots play the best Super Bowls. If you look at their eight Super Bowls that they've played in, they have always been entertaining, and that one was maybe one of the most entertaining.

Doug Pederson beat the Patriots by taking the huge risks that the Jaguars refused to take

Doug Pederson did what the Jaguars refused to do in the AFC Championship game. He knew that to beat the Patriots, you have to take one or two huge risks, and that's the only way you can do it. And he did it with the fourth down call where Nick Foles caught the touchdown.

Tom Brady can't beat 'ugly' or 'mouth-breathing' quarterbacks like Eli Manning and Nick Foles

What the game did prove to us was our theory that Tom Brady sucks against ugly quarterbacks and mouth-breathing quarterbacks... You got two against Eli [Manning], you got one against Nick Foles. It's like an ugly duckling, beautiful swan situation where you underestimate your competition if you're that much more attractive than they are.

Super Bowl commercials are officially overrated

Super Bowl commercials are now, I'm going to throw it in there, overrated. I didn't laugh at a single commercial this year... All the commercials these days are just giant corporations just jerking off talking about the good thing they did.

The media focus on the dangers of concussions and football injuries is fair

I think [the media focus on concussion protocol] is fair. I mean, I think no person in their right mind wants to see guys get their brains scrambled and injured... You can take strides to improve the safety... [but] you'll never take injury out of football. That's just the reality of the game.

Dan Snyder is only using the franchise tag on Kirk Cousins because he wants to maintain control over a situation where he has none

Dan Snyder... has decided he's going to franchise tag Kirk Cousins after trading for older Kirk Cousins [Alex Smith]... I think it's just Snyder wanting to have control over a situation where he has no control.

Bill Belichick and Bill Parcells are physically incapable of saying 'I love you'

The ESPN producer basically asking Bill [Belichick] and Bill [Parcells] to say I love you to each other, and they literally could not do it... football guys like those two are physically incapable of saying I love you.

Pete Carroll is a fake football guy because he makes 'my wife runs the house' jokes

Pete Carroll might be a fake football guy... In his press conference that they showed of him becoming the Patriots head coach, he immediately made a my wife runs the house joke. I think that's the go-to fake football guy anecdote. Because a real football guy doesn't even talk about family.

I stayed in Cleveland because winning a ring elsewhere would have felt hollow

Why didn't you want to just go somewhere to try to win a ring? And I'm like, it wouldn't have meant the same thing to me. It would have felt hollow. Like, just going to a team that, oh, I think they're probably the best team to win a championship... I want that ring, so I'm going to go deal with that.

The best offensive linemen are bred in Wisconsin because of the beer and cheese curds

You know, it's just the beer and the cheese curds, really. From the moment you're born, you're sitting in your high chair and your dad's giving you sips of his beer. All those carbs over time just add up to being fucking huge.

The NFL should change the rule regarding hitting defenseless receivers below the knee

I think we need to change the rule on hitting defenseless receivers below the knee. You should be able to do it. I think you should be able to just crush them.

Kirk Cousins would be a great fit in Cleveland

I think he's a really good quarterback. I think he'd be a great fit in Cleveland. And my sales pitch to Kirk is, Kirk, if you go 6-10 in Cleveland next year, they're going to put a statue outside the stadium of your face.

Players must be honest for concussion protocols to work in the NFL

A lot of it falls on players because you can pass a lot of that stuff, you know, sometimes, but if the player is not honest with the team official or the independent guy that's on the field, that's where the problems come into play.

LeBron James considering a meeting with the Warriors is a savvy leverage move against the rest of the NBA

If he opens up the Warriors, it's like everyone's got to compete with that. Everyone's got to basically be like, 'yeah, LeBron, we'll go get every free agent you want'... So he just got instant leverage over everyone, which he already had, but now it's even more.

Tom Brady kissing his son on the mouth was way too much

Tom Brady kisses his son on the mouth. And when, like, I mean kiss on the mouth, it's like pretty, pretty, pretty kiss. ... This was too much.

Alex Smith is the most Redskins quarterback of all time

Alex Smith is the most Redskins quarterback of all time. He hasn't played a snap, but he is the perfect R-Words quarterback. He is a watercolor version of Brad Johnson. He is more John Beck than John Beck is. He is like Colt McCoy on the world's worst steroids.

Jay Cutler is now the top prize in the NFL quarterback free agent market

Basically every NFL team, because guess who is now the bell of the ball? Mr. Jay Cutler. Because everyone's getting their franchise quarterbacks. Jacksonville got theirs. Washington got theirs. Who's going to get Jay Cutler?

The NFL needs more players who are 'sensitive' and can't take a joke

I like – I think the NFL needs more of that... like, nobody likes sensitive people. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you can't make fun of somebody.

Being the number one overall pick is a psychological burden for a young player

Being the number one pick, the, the, the weight I carried around, the expectations... I walked around with it everywhere I went... it kind of, you know, a little bit, yeah, it kind of took, you know, kind of digging myself that hole.

Stability is much harder for a young quarterback when playing for a defensive head coach

As a quarterback, that's the big difference, I think, between playing for a defensive head coach and an offensive head coach. As a defensive head coach, as great as it can be, you're still constantly – if you do well, your coordinator's leaving. And so the stability is always in question there.

Matt Patricia has the ideal head coaching job among recent Patriots departures

Patricia's got the ideal job, I think, out of any of them. They got a franchise quarterback. So, the offense is already taken care of. You go in there, you fix the defense. Now, all of a sudden, you got a competitive game because the Bears stink.