Takes

David Stern is the most important man in the history of basketball

David Stern, the most important man in the history of all basketball. He's PFT's size. Little tiny guy over here in a world built for preschool children, right? But here's David Stern, who never shot a basket, but he brought the business acumen... to use the NBA to make the world a better place.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

The Chicago Bears essentially bid against themselves to sign Mike Glennon

I think the Bears got into bidding war with themselves. I don't think anyone else is going after Mike Glennon. And the price keeps going up... Ryan Pace is the only guy at the table.

Russell Wilson and Ciara's naked pregnancy photo shoot is extremely 'problematic' and too much

She's holding her naked five-year-old while she's naked. She's pregnant. Russell Wilson is naked with his face in her [behind], and he's holding her belly... At what point, though, is it like, this is just too much?

Lavar Ball is just the basketball version of Kris Jenner

That Lavar Ball is just the basketball Kris Jenner. I don't know what that means, but I'm into it. He is basically going to market his sons so relentlessly and throw them in our face.

Rugby is already huge in America

I'm going to take you one step further and say rugby is already huge in America. This was the, yeah, we're here. Get used to it.

Music and atmosphere in NBA arenas directly affects player rhythm and pace

It was like the sloppiest game ever, and that's not just because the Knicks are always sloppy, but it was like no one could get a rhythm... Then they put the music on in the second half, and the pace picked right up, and they almost hit the over... So it was clear that the music did actually affect the players.

Basketball is a 'candy-ass sport' because players require music and atmosphere to find a rhythm

See, this is why basketball is like a candy-ass sport. You need all these little distractions and stuff because there's so many breaks in the action. It's not like a nonstop thrill ride like the NFL is where you don't need any commercials or music playing or replays or anything like that.

Mitchell Trubisky changed his name to 'Mitchell' purely to avoid the 'Mitch the Bitch' nickname

I think he did that just simply so people can't say he's mitch the bitch which makes sense right

Robert Griffin III would be a better quarterback if he changed his name to 'Bobby Griffin'

Robert Griffin would actually be better if you change it to Bobby Griffin. That sounds like a quarterback. You make it shorter to make yourself seem like more of a leader. So why are you adding extra syllables on there?

John Ross should officially inherit Chris Johnson's 'Fast Chris Johnson' nickname after breaking his 40-yard dash record

I also think that Chris Johnson should be forced to give up the nickname Fast Chris Johnson, the best nickname maybe in the history of sports, and give it to John Ross.

I could still average 10 points and 5 assists in the NBA right now

I still play with pros all the time. There's moments where you watch guys who just got paid $60, $70, $80 million for having marginal numbers where I'm not going to sit there and tell you, I feel like I can get nine or ten points a game in the league. I feel like I can get four or five assists in a game.

I have the best basketball game out of any talent currently working at ESPN (excluding former NBA players)

Who's got the best game out in Bristol? I would have to say me. [Besides people who played in the league.] Well, see, here's the thing. You don't see a lot of talent play in some of the games.

College athletes should be allowed to 'wet the beak' and get a cut of revenue when their names are on jerseys

I like seeing somebody naturally stick it each and every time to the NCAA when they can. Because the NCAA... they make $900 million at a minimum each and every year just off the TV rights to the tournament alone. That's worth having a conversation about. Let the kids wet the beak. Just a little bit. If I see my name on the back of a jersey multiple times in an arena that I'm playing at, just let me get a little bit of a taste of that.

Duke runs a guard-dominated offense because Coach K loves having the ball in guards' hands

Duke is a dominated guard offense. It's naturally what it is. K loves for the ball to be in the hands of guards. You see that with Luke Kennard, Grayson Allen, guards from the past as well... it's never been a staple of Duke to throw the ball down low and the big guy's going to get you 25 and 10. That's never been who they've been offensively.

Tim Tebow's plan to adopt children from every continent is a red flag and an attempt to pre-plan a sexless marriage

This is a red flag. Let's be honest. If you're already pre-planning about not getting laid when you get married, hey, Tebow, hey, when you get married, you're not going to have sex anyways. His whole life, he's had a headache.

Jim Harbaugh wearing cleats on a charter flight is a 'maniac move'

Harbaugh wears cleats on the Charter's flights to games. So he pre-cleats. He cleats on the flight to the game. So, wow. [That's a maniac move.]

It is perfectly acceptable to take your shoes off on a cross-country flight

I always take my shoes off when I'm sitting on a very long flight, and I know my socks are clean... i don't care it's okay travel i've always said travel is one of those things where you just put your head down you worry about yourself don't don't look up if you want to take your shoes out that's fine

The most satisfying fart in life is when you get off a plane after holding it in the whole time

The two most satisfying farts that you can ever have. Number two is after a date, right? The girl gets out of the car and you rip it. Number one is when you get off of a plane and you've been holding it in the whole time.

Mitch Trubisky screwed himself by measuring 6'2" because of Hue Jackson's arbitrary height cutoff

Hugh Jackson, his cutoff for quarterbacks, 6'2". So Mitch Trubisky kind of screwed himself. He should have slouched a little bit, hoping that he went at 6'1"... [Hue] just said, if the quarterback's not 6'2 or taller, I don't want him.

David Price being injured means he can't lose in the playoffs

Spin zone for David Price. If he is injured, he can't lose in the playoffs.

Kevin Durant likely won't lose his shooting rhythm despite his injury

He actually has a history of coming back from injury pretty well... he doesn't seem to lose his shooting rhythm. The thing that's a question mark... is that if he is 5%, 10% off, that's where you could see a big turn... it just wrecks all their form.

I want to see the Rockets and Warriors play in the playoffs

I have a lot of fun watching the Rockets play, so I'm kind of hoping that that matchup happens during the playoffs, in the second round, conference finals, whatever it is.

LeBron James reading 'The Godfather' while walking is a calculated camera stunt

Did you see last night LeBron walking from the bus to the locker room reading The Godfather? And did you also think that was the lamest, most ridiculous thing you've ever seen in your entire life?... He was doing it for camera. He wasn't actually reading.

The Chicago Bulls front office has no clear vision

They just haven't had a clear vision, right? ... If they had decided we're going to rebuild, rebuild. If they decided we're going to build around Jimmy Butler, build around Jimmy Butler. Stop dangling his name in trade talks.

The Bulls would be stupid to trade Jimmy Butler

I definitely do not [think they should trade Jimmy], and I don't understand the question. ... You are hoping to get a pick to draft a guy that you hope in three or four years will develop into someone as good as Jimmy Butler. ... Guess what is a guarantee of something? The guy on your roster who plays really well.

Northwestern basketball is annoying because journalists act like it's a plucky underdog story

Except for the fact that now we're going to get Greeny, Mike Wilbon, Rovell, all these fuckers shoving Northwestern plucky underdog down our throats. So I'm saying respect the fucking biz... We don't care about Northwestern basketball enough for you to tell us constantly.

Jaleel Okafor is the new king of not caring about defense

Jaleel Okafor is now the true I don't care about defense guy. ... He just took like three steps back and he's standing perfectly still. ... Didn't put a hand up. Didn't really move for a rebound.

The Kirk Cousins franchise tag is a sign the Redskins still don't know if he's good

In Kirk Cousins' case, it's just a big sign that says, do we know if Kirk Cousins is good yet? No, we don't know.

The Chicago Bears are a total dumpster fire for failing to retain drafted players

If Alshon does go get signed by another team... you ready for the list of Bears players on the roster that were drafted before 2013? Okay, that was the full list... Just make sure all your draft picks fail miserably... what a dumpster fire.

The five-foul rule in college basketball is the dumbest rule in sports

Also, hot seat, the foul, five fouls in college. Everyone gets mad about that, including myself. I hate that rule. I think it's the dumbest thing ever.

Three-point shooting is a defense against biased home-court officiating

Shooting the three became a big part of getting us to a certain level... The one thing that can't be affected is the three-point shooting. If you're a team that's driving a ball to the basket all the time, you play at home, you might get some calls. You go on the road, you don't get those calls. You're dead.

The new Big East is the best league because it's a pure basketball league

It's the best league in college basketball. Those other leagues now, I think, are football leagues. And we are a pure basketball league.

Draymond Green wouldn't be able to lead Paul Pierce's pre-KG Celtics teams to the playoffs

Draymond came over the top today and said, people tend to forget that [Pierce] was struggling to get to the playoffs. He was on the trade block every year, then all of a sudden Ray Allen and KG showed up... I would love to see Draymond Green on the teams that Pierce had and lead them to the playoffs.

Jimmy Kimmel intentionally planned the La La Land / Moonlight Oscar mistake

Even if Jimmy Kimmel didn't plan this, which I think he did, he should be blamed for it for all the shitty Jimmy Kimmel pranks he did in the past.

The Oscars would be better if the celebrities were made gradually more uncomfortable

I would like to watch the Oscars a lot more if instead of treating the celebrities to things, they gradually made them more uncomfortable as the show went on. Like crank the heat up five degrees every hour or something like that. So they were just a big sweaty mess at the end.

Mark Cuban is a genius for 'controlling' the media to protect his players

Mark Cuban, this is sneaky genius. [He's a] player's owner. All the players want to come play for him because they know he's got your back on Twitter. If someone is even remotely, even like a little bit mean on Twitter, he's going to CC the bosses and tell them that they're all in deep shit.

Villanova is the only team I trust in college basketball this year

The field is wide open. I actually think the only team that I trust this year is Villanova, which is funny how the world has changed in the last couple years.

John Calipari needs a second national title to be considered a legendary coach

I actually do believe before he's done, if he's going to be one of the best, he's got to win two [titles]. Otherwise, he's a really good coach. But I do think it takes two to actually be like, consider one of the 15 best ever coach. ... what takes you from the you were a great coach to you were a legend is that second one.

The Washington Capitals are the Atlanta Falcons of the NHL

They're kind of like the Atlanta Falcons where their franchise has just never won it. The Falcons have been to two Super Bowls. I think the Capitals have been to one Stanley Cup. Basically, it's a franchise of failure. You know, they have this great regular season success. Everybody gets excited. And then when it comes to perform, they're a pop shot.

The Pittsburgh Penguins are the Seattle Seahawks of the NHL

I'd say probably [the] Seattle Seahawks where they're in it every year. ... Pittsburgh, Seattle, every year they're competitive. They've won it recently.

The Minnesota Wild and Vikings share a history of disappointing Scandinavian fans

The Vikings in the Wild, they both consistently disappoint a shitload of pale Scandinavian people. That's the history of the franchise.

Shaquille O'Neal is a victim of 'athlete funny' and is not actually humorous

Shaq has always been a victim of athlete funny. Where someone in the locker room once told Shaq he was funny, and he has gone with that throughout his whole career thinking he is actually humorous, and people want to hear Shaq tell jokes when in reality he's not funny.

LaVar Ball is like a bird that sits on a rhino and shits everywhere

[Lonzo Ball's] father is going to be over his shoulder the whole time. His father is like one of those birds that sits on the back of a rhino and shits everywhere. That's what he's going to be.

Being tired is a more hardcore injury than a broken bone for a 32-year-old

As someone who's 32 years old, being tired, I would rather have a broken bone than be tired. Being tired is the most hardcore injury that I have these days.

The Bulls front office members Gar Forman and John Paxson are morons for their trade deadline approach

The Bulls, my Bulls made a trade, and they're morons per usual. They're doing the old, we're trying to rebuild on the fly, which has never worked... Doug McDermott and Taj Gibson to the Thunder is not a Woj bomb. That's just a guard and Pax are fucking morons.

Luke Kennard is so good that it makes me hate him even more

Luke Kennard, though, is awesome, and I'm not saying that just because he can dribble behind his back. I hate how good he is. I can't hate him because he's so good, which makes me hate him even more.

Chris Christie is a perfect fit for sports talk radio because he hates Philly and loves the Cowboys

Chris Christie has been reportedly mentioned for Mike Francesa's replacement... If you just say, hey, Philly sucks, it's like, bam, you're already hired. Loves Bruce Springsteen. Loves the Cowboys, too... Older white guy. Loves to eat. So this is – has he been a sports talk radio host his whole life?

Remember the Titans is the best Denzel Washington movie

God, super cliche. But I think Remember the Titans is unbelievable, Denzel.

Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is the hottest any woman has ever been in a movie

I'm going Rachel McAdams just because I would throw it out there that Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is like the hottest woman has ever been as a character. She was wifey material there.