Takes

Luke Kennard is so good that it makes me hate him even more

Luke Kennard, though, is awesome, and I'm not saying that just because he can dribble behind his back. I hate how good he is. I can't hate him because he's so good, which makes me hate him even more.

Chris Christie is a perfect fit for sports talk radio because he hates Philly and loves the Cowboys

Chris Christie has been reportedly mentioned for Mike Francesa's replacement... If you just say, hey, Philly sucks, it's like, bam, you're already hired. Loves Bruce Springsteen. Loves the Cowboys, too... Older white guy. Loves to eat. So this is – has he been a sports talk radio host his whole life?

Remember the Titans is the best Denzel Washington movie

God, super cliche. But I think Remember the Titans is unbelievable, Denzel.

Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is the hottest any woman has ever been in a movie

I'm going Rachel McAdams just because I would throw it out there that Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is like the hottest woman has ever been as a character. She was wifey material there.

Following who NBA players follow on Twitter is the best way to predict trades

It's a big time of year to see which players that different NBA teams are following on Twitter. That's how you tell. [Big Cat]: Because Isaiah Thomas also followed Melo, right, on Twitter. So that's a big thing as well.

Former great players make better coaches because they can articulate exactly what they did on the field

Who would you rather have teach you? Someone that did it, someone that could walk in those steps, someone that could tell you every step about here's what's going to happen here... So it's being able to have a player that understood exactly what they did and took notes on what they did and becoming a coach and being able to explain to you exactly what they did.

Bear Weather is a myth and is not worth a single point

Bear weather is not worth one point... Sabermetrics. It is not worth one point... How in the world is the cold weather or anything else going to be worth any points? Americans have to stand in the same weather.

Buddy Ryan is the ultimate football guy

The ultimate football guy that I know is Buddy Ryan. He was an ultimate football guy because he knew the game. He knew what everybody was supposed to be doing. He knew why they were doing it. And he knew how to get them motivated to do it.

Matt Barkley is not a franchise quarterback

Actually, no, I think you're actually talking about Matt Barkley, not a franchise quarterback.

Bear Weather is real and dome teams struggle to play in it

I disagree with [Singletary]. Now, when you say bear weather, when I think bear weather, I think, you know, one, two, zero degrees, wind chill... January, you get a team like the Atlanta Falcons... typically a dome team... It comes out there, and you can tell in a warm-up set. The wind's coming off the lake, and it just feels good.

Sports are being ruined by nerds with spreadsheets

It's nerds that are infecting sports. They got their spreadsheets. They think that they know everything.

Marc Trestman was the worst Bears coach of all time

Mark Trestman was the worst of all time, and I'm still pissed at him. [Briggs]: I do not deny.

Magic Johnson will be a successful Lakers president as long as they win games

The Lakers magic is going to do a good job if the Lakers win basketball games... I think he's also going to do a good job if he gets good players on the Lakers.

You can get out of a DUI by claiming you have football-related concussions

I feel like now if you ever played it down to football, you can probably get away with a DUI. [Cedric Benson] said he couldn't [do his ABCs] because he played football and he had concussions.

Every Super Bowl and All-Star game should be held in New Orleans

Anytime you have a big sporting event in New Orleans, you're contractually obligated to say, why don't they just have every Super Bowl and All-Star game in New Orleans?

Kyrie Irving's flat earth comments were likely a headline grab or a prank on the media

Kyrie Irving... let's just call a spade a spade, he was doing this for headlines. I can't decide if it's either a headline for the podcast... or if it was simply all the NBA players getting together and being like, 'Let's prank the media. Let's fuck with them.'

Guy Fieri is the closest thing America has to producing its own Jesus

I don't think I'm going overboard when I say it, but Guy Fieri is probably as close as Americans will get to producing our own Jesus.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are officially 'friends with benefits' after their All-Star Game alley-oop

An alley-oop is kind of like makeup sex. You connect in that one little instant, and you're like, yeah, I remember this whole relationship could be a lot of fun. I'll just say that they're friends with benefits now.

LeBron James is likely a member of the Illuminati

LeBron at this point, can we all just admit that he's probably part of the Illuminati? At least he's an ancillary part of the Illuminati with Jay-Z and all that shit.

Bill Belichick narrating a WWII documentary is a clever PR move to deflect from 'Patriots are Nazis' comparisons

It's a great way to steer people away from the New England Patriots or Nazis takes because you're like, actually, our coach is narrating a documentary about killing Nazis.

Day parties are officially back

My who's back of the week is day parties. Huge weekend. 60 degrees out of nowhere in February. So basically, usually college kids will go through the winter depression, and then there was that one nice weekend that kicks off the rest of the spring semester.

Peyton Manning's success with multiple coaches gives him a valid argument over Tom Brady

Brady has had the luxury of being with, and I think this is not debatable, the greatest coach in the history of football... I know what Peyton Manning is away from the Colts or Tony Dungy. He's been to a Super Bowl with four different head coaches. He's won a Super Bowl with two different head coaches.

Flacco had the greatest playoff run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47, and his hair is elite

His hair is elite. Not as elite as yours, but his hair is elite. [Joe Flacco] had the greatest run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47.

Wins and losses should not be considered a quarterback stat

I don't think wins and losses are a quarterback stat. I don't believe in that... Teams win games. Teams win championships. It's not Tom [Brady]. It's not Malcolm [Butler]. The Patriots won that game.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

Carmelo Anthony's legacy is choosing the most money over winning championships

Thoughts and prayers to the man [Carmelo Anthony] who has taken every single dollar at every turn in his career instead of maybe trying to win a championship... He took the most amount of money to stay in the dumpster fire that is New York. That's kind of your situation, Melo.

Carmelo Anthony will likely stay in New York because no other team wants him

Do you think that Melo is going to be staying put in New York for the rest of the season, or do you think he's moving? [Big Cat]: I think he's probably staying put because no one wants him on his team, unless they're trying to win an All-Star game or an Olympic.

Bryce Harper doesn't have the balls to turn down the Yankees for the Red Sox

Me and Hank had a little conversation about Bryce Harper... and we're hearing rumors... that he might be going to the Red Sox. [Hank]: There's no chance. That'd be awesome. But he doesn't have the balls to do that to the Yankees. He can't turn down that money to come to the Red Sox.

Mark Cuban would be a disaster as President of the United States

I think [Mark Cuban] is just doing 46 because he wants to be the 46th president... He would be a disaster.

Greg Maddux could still be an effective middle reliever in Major League Baseball

My dad said that Greg Maddux could definitely still be a middle reliever for a team in 2017. I believe it. Yeah.

Baseball players' stupidity has become a charming part of the sport

I love how baseball players, it's become charming how stupid they are. I mean, it's just really, they're just a bunch of stupid people and everyone says, 'Oh, isn't this so funny?'

Mets spring training is essentially just a timeline update on Tommy John surgeries

It's also a.k.a. just Mets spring training. That's just basically all of Mets spring training is, oh, hey, all of our pitchers are somewhere in the timeline of Tommy John, so let's just update everyone on that.

Jesse Owens should have killed Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Olympics

My Adele do-over is I think that Jesse Owens should have killed Hitler at the 1936 Olympics. Big Jimbo on his part, not taking out the hit stick. We say that Jesse Owens is like one of the greatest Americans, but in reality, he has the deaths of millions on his hands.

Magic Johnson is the greatest basketball player and the number one Laker of all time

Magic Johnson. Without a doubt. He's the number one basketball... him and Larry Bird, they are the NBA. Magic and Bird put NBA in prime time.

The NFL should build stadiums for teams so they don't have to move

They should stay. The NFL should build them a stadium. I mean, damn, the NFL making all this money, man. Build your teams a stadium so they don't have to move. Try that. They're making billions and they want taxpayers to pay for it.

Customer service lines intentionally disconnect you when transferring to customer relations

Then when you start to talk about why you're calling, you know what happens? They'll say, oh, we're in the sales department. We're going to transfer you over to Customer relations, and then what do you think happens? You get disconnected. I've lived through this.

LeBron James is a coward for not participating in the NBA Dunk Contest

LeBron James that's not in the dunk contest again. Kind of a coward move. Michael Jordan was in the dunk contest. Back in the day, you had your best athletes in it. Vince Carter. You had your Vinces, your J.R. Smiths. You had everybody.

Luke Walton was a better coach for the Golden State Warriors than Steve Kerr

I would actually say [the Warriors are] Luke Walton's team. People forget he was their coach in the first half last year. They were a lot better then.

The Houston Rockets got 100 times better simply by letting Dwight Howard leave

I went Dwight Howard. Like, he just left, and [the Rockets] got 100 times better. Addition by subtraction. I love it.

Austin Rivers is the guy whose 'mans' it is for the Clippers because of his dad

Austin Rivers. His dad is the coach and the GM. That's a good call. Austin Rivers, no one likes the coach's son.

It is dumb that the Montreal Canadiens will only hire coaches who speak French

Part of it goes into this foolish, I don't even know what to call it, that the Canadiens will only hire—you have to speak French to coach the Canadiens, which is so dumb. If you're going to win a Stanley Cup, I don't know why you have to—it doesn't matter what you speak.

Paul Tagliabue is the smartest person in the world for making Roger Goodell his concussion scapegoat

Paul Tagliabue basically said, I've known about concussions forever, but I kind of don't want to be asked about this anymore. So here, Roger Goodell, you look stupid enough to take this job and have everyone come at you and hate you. And that's exactly what happened. So he's actually the smartest person in the world.

I actually thought the boos for Kevin Durant's return to Oklahoma City weren't loud enough

I actually thought the boos [for Kevin Durant's return to Oklahoma City] weren't loud enough. [Durant] said, 'I thought that they'd be louder.' Kind of a little twist in the knife there.

'Smooth' by Matchbox 20 and Santana deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award

Can we get a Lifetime Achievement Award for Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas doing 'Smooth' with Carlos Santana? You never hear about Lifetime Achievement Awards for a song. But if there is one, it should absolutely go to 'Smooth'. That song took over a whole summer. Every single time that there's a national sporting event on TV, you can count on 'Smooth' to be one of the transition songs.

Brian Kelly knows he is on the hot seat at Notre Dame

Brian Kelly knows that he's on the hot seat. I mean, the people in the facility, the players and the coaches know that if they don't improve, things are going to change. So going into this year, Brian Kelly knows that he has to improve, and hopefully they can.

The NFL is still king and ratings aren't in real trouble despite the 2016 dip

I don't think the league's in trouble at all. I don't. I mean, it's still king. Even though when their ratings were down, any other sport would still take the ratings. And I think one of the things you look at is it was also an election year that hurts ratings. I think after the election was over, some of the ratings started to go back up.

The Houston Texans are definitely not better off without J.J. Watt

How could you be better without [J.J. Watt]? You know, no matter what people think about him off the field, on the field, he's a pretty darn good player. Now you put him with Mercilus and Clowney, it'll be interesting what happens. So to say the Texans would be better with him off the football field, I don't think is—that's just [the PMT] hot take.

I would beat Mike Greenberg in tennis if my life was on the line

If my life was depending on it, I would practice enough and do enough to beat him because I knew my life was on it. [Greeny] can't even play his one little nerd sport better than [me]. He's probably better than me at all, but in that given situation, not only would I try and beat him, the best way to do it would be try and somehow hurt him during the match so he couldn't finish.

Rajon Rondo passes up easy layups specifically to hunt for assists

You know what Rondo does that's so fucking annoying? Everything, but he also loves, loves, loves to pass up super easy layups just to get assists. He's the worst with that. He did that today when the Bulls got smoked by the Wolves. He was ready to go for a layup, and then he passed it for a three-pointer. Dude, just fucking shoot the layup. Stop trying to get assists.

Disrespecting Madison Square Garden should be a hate crime

If you disrespect the Garden, it should be a hate crime. There are certain places that, as an American, it's like Madison Square Garden, Lambeau Field, the gym where they filmed Hoosiers. If you disrespect those places, it's a hate crime.