Takes

The Jaguars Color Rush uniforms are ugly as hell

This is what Blake [Bortles] said about his color rush... 'I think they're ugly as hell.'... Just because you're wearing boiled piss colored jerseys doesn't mean that you need to say it out in public.

The Cubs are in trouble in the World Series because they got shut out in Game 1 and Andrew Miller is a beast

I think you guys are in trouble. I thought if you guys could at least hit, get a couple runs, keep the momentum going of your bats, then even if you lost, you'd be in a good spot. But the fact that you got shut out, it's not good... And the Miller thing, I don't agree with, because I think he could throw every day.

The take that the NFL 'sucks' right now is becoming too mainstream and annoying

My hot seat: People who say the NFL sucks. I'm done with it. We were kind of early to it... Now it's become a little too mainstream. People saying the Seahawks-Cardinals game sucked. That game was amazing... I still love the NFL. I'm sick of it. I'm back on Roger Goodell's side.

The Cubs celebration for winning the NL pennant was maybe a little too much

I actually do think that the celebration was maybe a little too much, to be honest. I feel like, I mean, it was an unbelievable night, a night I'll never forget, but there definitely was a feeling like this is the greatest moment when still got the World Series to win.

I'm pro-bandwagon; the more the merrier for the Chicago Cubs fan base

The more the merrier. Let them all on. As spokesperson for the Chicago Cubs, Big Cat has just opened up the bandwagon for everybody. Hop on.

I like coaches like Mike Zimmer who tell their offensive linemen they are the specific reason the team lost

I like a coach like that. Most coaches will say, you know, we got to look at the tape. We got to fix what's wrong. Nope. Offensive lineman, you fucking sucked. And I'm going to let you know you are the reason why we lost the game.

NFL coaches only work out to prevent stress-induced heart attacks, not to get in shape

A very football guy move, they're not working out to get in shape. They're just working out so they don't have a heart attack. It's purely to stop the heart attack. Get through the day. Yes. Stress heart attack. Everyone knows you cure a stress heart attack by going on the elliptical for 45 minutes.

Trevor Bauer's teammates are likely talking behind his back about his drone injury

I think they're more mad than they would lead on. Like they would probably say, Hey man, nothing, no big deal, but then you get the guys behind closed doors that are probably talking a lot of shit about him.

Clayton Kershaw gets too much hate; people focus on his last bad game and ignore that he pitched on short rest

I get a little defensive. [Kershaw] is like my son. It's like I get defensive when people get on him. I mean, the guy did—he herniated his disc. He came back short rest. He pitched three out of the five games in the first series. He dealt the first game, and then he had a bad last game, and that's all people hang on to.

Ryan Fitzpatrick's best PR move is having Geno Smith as his backup

I think he has the best PR 101 built in already, and his backup is Geno Smith. So the second they see the alternative, they're like, okay, Ryan, we forgive you for everything.

The 2016 WNBA season was destined to be Candace Parker's year

If you follow the WNBA, you knew this was Candace Parker's season. The Los Angeles Sparks are your WNBA champions.

The Cubs bats woke up because they started playing 'small ball' like Mike Scioscia

I think that the Cubs won because they finally listened to me and started playing some small ball. It's called foreplay, and Joe Maddon finally figured out you've got to get to first before you get to home plate. And instead of hitting home runs, they finally learned to build a rally with some bunts, some stolen bases. I call it socialism for Mike Scioscia.

Matt Barkley only has an NFL job because he is 6'3" and looks good in shorts

Matt Barkley is still in the nfl proving my theory that if you're like six three played at a big time college and look good in shorts someone will give you a job

Cleveland and Milwaukee are equal as cities

I mean, they're pretty similar, like smaller cities, easy to get around, no traffic, which I like. Power rank them? They're like equal. Equal right now. 1A, 1B.

Team Australia went into the 2016 Olympics believing they could beat Team USA

I think we went in believing we could beat them [Team USA]. And I think we showed that, you know, we had the opportunities to. And we're a team that had played together for a lot of years. And I think that counts for something.

Individual defense is a myth in the NBA; everyone is entirely dependent on team defense and big men doing their jobs.

I don't think anyone can guard anybody one-on-one in the league. It's a team defense thing... And if your big men aren't doing their job, you look bad. But if they do their job, you look good.

LeBron James is indestructible

I think he's [LeBron James] indestructible. No one's indestructible. I think LeBron is indestructible.

The Cubs are not dead

The Cubs are not dead. We're not panicking. But they did get the shit kicked out of them by the Dodgers in L.A. Not much else to say. Rich Hill was fantastic. You just got to wait for the bats to come alive.

Joe Maddon belongs in the American League

Two things about Joe Maddon. Number one, he's obviously an American League manager... he clearly belongs in the AL.

The Cubs should bench Addison Russell and Jason Heyward for the rest of the NLCS

The Cubs just need to hit, and I think they probably need to put some guys – they need to have Addison Russell sit on the bench. They need Jason Heyward to stay on the bench. They need to put some guys out there, give them a shot. [Jorge] Soler, [Willson] Contreras, I don't know.

Small ball wins in the playoffs

Cubs were a tremendous – they are a tremendous power-hitting team. Are they not? Small ball wins in the playoffs. Bunt, steal bases. Bunt, repeat. Contact, repent, repeat.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.

The Cleveland Indians can play with 'house money' for the next decade because they won a title in 2016

The [Indians] are in the championship series. So as far as Cleveland goes, the whole city could just go to shit even more for the next six to 12 years, and they're still playing with house money at this point. They've had as much success this year as they could expect to have for the next decade.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

A 'football guy' is someone who enjoys lighting up a cigar and watching the game at home

To me, I'm a football guy, and I enjoy watching it. I enjoy lighting up a cigar and watching it in my house or my condominium. That's what I enjoy doing.

I would not bench Brian Hoyer for Jay Cutler if Hoyer is playing well

It would be very hard for me to make a switch... I'm not against Jay [Cutler]. I'm saying when you've got a guy playing his... if he wasn't playing well, I'd say, okay. People say, well, he's just a journeyman. Well, maybe he found... maybe this is the end of the journey. Maybe he found home.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in football along with Tom Brady

What about Aaron Rodgers? No, he's the best. Nothing wrong with him? No, he's the best. He doesn't have the weapons, guys. Come on, he does not have the weapons around him... if you're asking me if there's one quarterback in the league, I think he's the best quarterback in football right now. Him and Brady.

Ronald Reagan was the 'real deal' as a President because he stood up for what was right

Ronald Reagan was the real deal, guys. I don't care what party you are, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Ronald Reagan was the real deal. And he stood up for what was right. None of the BS.

Aaron Rodgers has a case of 'the yips' and is turning down open looks for bigger plays

I think it's a case of the yips. And I think you look at things where he's turning down open looks trying to find a bigger play, and then things break down and he rushes outside the pocket, and he used to make big plays doing that, and those big plays have dried up.

The shelf life for an NFL coach in one spot is about ten years

Mike McCarthy in general, hey, man, he's been here 10 years. And Bill Walsh always said, you know, you're in the same place for 10 years. That's kind of your shelf life as an NFL coach. So, I don't know. Maybe his message is getting stale.

Dak Prescott has to stay as the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys

Dak Prescott has to stay as the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo waits in the wings, but is reminded yet again that Dak lives matter in the Big D. Cowboys button up the Packers like a creepy cardigan 30-16.

The Jaguars-Bears game was legitimately one of the worst NFL games ever played

Legitimately one of the worst games I've ever seen. No, it really did [take the fun out of football]. Watching it, I was like, I don't even know why I like this sport.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous band from Jacksonville because they have more longevity than Lynyrd Skynyrd

We also were judging on longevity, and Limp Bizkit has Lynyrd Skynyrd beat by a long shot. Limp Bizkit did it for longer. That counts.

Fat people messing up in sports is the funniest thing in the world

Counterpoint: Pablo Sandoval swinging, busting his belt open. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. Buffalo's definitely a judgment-free zone. It's like we're just having fun.

I do believe in ghosts

I do believe in ghosts. I think if you're nice to ghosts, they'll be kind of your ally. If you're mean to them... well, I think Hitler would be a mean ghost.

Harry Caray would beat Vin Scully in a fight because he couldn't feel pain

[Harry Caray wins in a fight against Vin Scully]. Harry Caray. Couldn't feel pain. Too drunk... Well, you know, I'm not going to be the one to say that.

Kris Bryant is an underrated base runner and is actually elite at it despite his lack of speed

Kris Bryant, underrated base runner. People say that. He may not be fast, but he's a hell of a base runner. So say that.

I wash my apples before eating them if they have a sticker on them

If there's a sticker on it, I feel like there should be some washing involved. But if I see an apple in a random tray and I'm hungry and there's no water, I'll lick it and then I'll bite it.

When Ben Roethlisberger tries to play through injury, he actually ends up hurting the Steelers

Ben's a tough motherfucker. But at the end of the day, he always hurts his team. He was awful today. He threw two interceptions. He was 19 for 34, and they lost to the Dolphins.

The Dodgers are a weaker team than the Nationals

The Dodgers are coming to Wrigley Field. I do think the Dodgers are a weaker of the two teams. Slash, I didn't want to see Daniel Murphy again.

I want the Cubs to keep winning just to keep Big Cat in a state of 'happiness edging' without winning the World Series

I want the Cubs to keep winning. I don't want the Cubs to win the World Series, but it's not because I want to see you in pain. I like it when you're this happy. I just want it to keep extending and extending. But I just don't want to see you ever reach that goal. You need to edge for about nine more months until spring training.

Mike McCoy is the most generic-looking white dude who probably goes to Jimmy Buffett concerts

Mike McCoy is the most generic-ass looking white dude. He's a guy that your dad plays golf with... McCoy just looks like a guy that spends too much time in the sun and has eight Salt Life shirts and goes to a Jimmy Buffett concert every fall, and that's his one vacation for the kids.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville

I mean, [Limp Bizkit] are by far the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville for sure, right?

As a GM, I'm not drafting any player who takes only one piece of candy from a 'please take one' bowl; you want someone who takes the whole thing

As a GM, I'm not drafting anybody who takes one and walks out. [I'm taking the whole thing immediately]. That's a winner's mentality. Take what they give you.

If you hand out fruit for Halloween instead of candy, you deserve to have something thrown at your house

There was a big phase that people in my neighborhood went through for some reason about giving out fruit. Like trying to change the generation of what they eat. And it was like, if you gave us fruit, you were getting something thrown at you.

Ken Bone should immediately cash in and do a 'Prego porn' video

Ken is definitely going to get some propositions from a porn company to be like, hey... do you want to do some Prego porn? And you got to do it. Cash in. Just got to cash in.

Kevin Durant is a 'big fucking baby'

Kevin Durant is a big fucking baby. And what did he say? He said that there was a lot of selfish guys on the Thunder... implying that the Thunder are selfish.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook kind of deserved each other, and it's sad to see them separated

I think Westbrook and Durant kind of deserved each other. And I'm sad that they're going to be separated because those two together, it was great TV.

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.