Takes

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

I am officially walking around inside J.J. Watt's brain right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm walking around in J.J. Watt's brain right now. I'm drinking the beers, but that's in J.J. Watt's brain. [I] clogged his brain's toilet right now.

To fix your public image after a DUI, enter treatment, disappear for 40 days, and return with an inspirational tweet.

That's step one, enter treatment. You kind of got to bite the bullet on this one and just say, it's on me, and then disappear for, I don't know, 40 days or something, and then come back with an inspirational tweet, and then you're pretty much good. Everybody will forget about it.

Roy Williams is legitimately smarter about basketball than any sports reporter

As crazy as it is for Roy to be this surly to everyone, especially after a win, he's not wrong. He does know way more about basketball than we do. So when you second guess him on that stuff... in terms of X's and O's, I don't know... he's smarter.

April Fool's jokes are only for women and corporations

I feel like April Fool's jokes are for chicks. Let's be honest. It's for chicks and also like corporations. It's really it's a holiday for girls and for brands. That's about it.

NFL locker room drama like the D'Angelo Russell leak would stay in-house because the culprit would get beaten up

Honestly, I think the difference between basketball guys and football guys is that you would never even hear a story like this come out. And if it did come out, it would be kept in-house and somebody would get their shit kicked in. And then it would kind of be like, let's move on.

If you are going to cheat on someone, you should cheat on Iggy Azalea

If you're going to cheat on somebody, you should cheat on Iggy. But I think that that's one of those relationships that's probably in the public eye. It benefits both of them. It's a symbiotic relationship. I wouldn't think that it's one that's really, like, organic.

The Long family would beat the Gronkowski family in a Royal Rumble-style fight

Eventually we'll have [the Longs] do like a WrestleMania-type thing against the Gronkowskis, like a Royal Rumble or a tag team event... I would probably take the Longs, to be honest. I think both Kyle and Chris outweigh Rob Gronkowski... And then if you throw the dads into the equation... I would absolutely take the Longs. I think that Howie is a crazy man.

Benching Pablo Sandoval for being fat is counterproductive; the team should make him play more to burn calories

Benching him is like the opposite of what you want to do. If I'm a fat guy, if you tell me like, Hey, you're too fat to do your job. So you're just not going to do it anymore. I'm like, uh, like, so what's the catch? I get to just sit and like, hang out in the clubhouse now. If you want to get Pablo Sandoval to lose weight, you make him play like a simulated game, then the real game, then like another simulated game. Like just starve him to death and make him work so hard that he has to lose the weight.

Opening Day should be a national holiday

Kingsford came to me, and it was the idea that Cincinnati forever was the first game of the season... I'm actually pushing for a national baseball day. I don't know why, you know, if I were elected president... that we shouldn't have a baseball day, and everybody just has one thing in mind, and that's going to the ballparks.

If a player bat flips in your face, the pitcher should knock him down next time

He's going to go down on his butt. You're gonna oh you're gonna call for the inside heat you didn't even have to you know the pitcher already knows it. The thing you know he's standing out there and you show him up i can understand if it's a game-ending situation where the guy gets excited but you know in the old days you know everybody had a memory you don't show me up.

Quentin Tarantino thinks he isn't racist because he uses the N-word so frequently in his films

I feel like Tarantino is going down that route where he's like he's used the N word so many times that he's not racist. Like he's one of the good white guys because he's not afraid to use the N word in his like period pieces because he's technically making fun of the racist from those periods.

Landon Donovan is officially not sexist because he has a twin sister

Some of my best siblings that were born at the exact same time of me are women, in fact, so I cannot be sexist. I love this reasoning from Landon Donovan... I'm taking this from Landon Donovan, and I'm saying he is, in fact, not sexist. He has a twin sister.

My fantasy baseball strategy is to just draft the consensus best players in the league

If I was picking my fantasy team right now, I'd take Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Mike Trout, Chris Sale. Throw in a Cub. I'll take Anthony Rizzo and Chris Bryant. I'll take those guys, too. I don't know if you can find – I mean, that's pretty good drafting on my part.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

Duke basketball players are the type of guys who get cheated on

Kyrie Irving, if you go to Duke, you're a guy who gets cheated on. That just kind of – that feels like a Duke thing that happens. If Kyrie Irving had gone to North Carolina or Kentucky or Kansas, I don't think he gets cheated on. I just think that Duke is a very – guys who go to Duke get cheated on.

Dating an Instagram model with over 20,000 followers is asking to get cheated on

I also say that if you, if you date somebody who on Instagram has over like 20,000 followers, you're pretty much asking to get cheated on too. Because, because in her mind, the only thing that matters to her is taking a picture of something that's going to get a lot of likes.

Buddy Hield's game is reminiscent of Michael Redd because of his size and unorthodox scoring ability

Well, his game reminds me of Michael Redd, the Ohio State player... He was a big-time scorer, about 6'4", 6'5", unorthodox, could shoot it from anywhere. He kind of reminds me of Michael Redd.

A heartbreaking three-point loss is more mentally devastating than a twenty-point blowout

I feel like if Wisconsin loses by three points, it's a lot worse for your psyche and your mental state than losing by 20 points because you've checked out at halftime in the UNC case.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.

The Big Ten hasn't been truly relevant in basketball since 2000

Midwestern people in general, we like to shit on ourselves and our situations... we know we're terrible. We haven't won a title since 2000. Every single program in the Big Ten is lost in the national championship. It's like the most devastating thing.

Tom Izzo is the only blue blood coach who gets a free pass from criticism

He's like the only blue blood coach who gets a free pass by everybody. Like he's just universally beloved. Everyone hates how [Coach K] is stuck up. Bill Self, people think he's a joker. Calipari is a sleazeball. Pitino is a sleazeball... Everyone has shitty things to say about every coach at a big-time program except Izzo.

Syracuse's defense is as unpredictable as a knuckleball pitcher

Syracuse's defense to me is like R.A. Dickey's knuckleball and – when he's got it working, it's unhittable. But then when it's not working, he just gets fucking rocked. Like, that's how I feel about Syracuse. And right now, like, the knuckleball's humming.

Malcolm Brogdon is a top 3 player in the country

He has Malcolm Brogdon, who is... maybe the best player in the country, probably not, but he's certainly one of the top three players in the country.

Ryan Spangler (Oklahoma) wins the 'Pitsnoggle Award' for the worst tattoo in college basketball

This dude [Ryan Spangler] has probably the worst tattoo that I've seen this year in college basketball on his shoulder. It's like a massive tribal design that I don't think he even knows what it is. I feel like there needs to be an award every year... name it after like Kevin Pittsnogle... The Pittsnogle Award for the shittiest college tattoo. I think, without a doubt, this year Spangler's got it.

The 2015 Villanova team was better than the 2016 Final Four team

I think last year's [Villanova] team beats this year's team... They don't have Pinkston or Hilliard now. Just to me, they're the same team, they just lost two seniors who were great.

If you coach for one year, you earn the title 'Coach' for life

I think that if you coach for one year, you get to be, you get to decide if you want to be called coach or not... no one called Dick Vitale coach. So you do have a point there.

Coach K is the ultimate sore loser

He basically told a kid [Dylan Brooks], don't showboat. And, like, don't show up the other team while showing up the other coach by coaching a kid that's not his kid. And that's Coach K to a T. Like, he's the sore loser.

Baseball players are the best at suffering bizarre, non-game injuries

Baseball players are the best at this. This is a classic spring training. Baseball players hurt or injured. Chris Sale did it last year getting off his truck... Sammy Sosa tore his back with a sneeze.

Robert Griffin III performs best when there are no expectations

He performs really well when he has low expectations. So I think it's a good fit for that. Like he went to Baylor. Nobody expected him to do shit at Baylor. Played well there. Played well his first year in Washington. I mean, nobody expects a Redskins quarterback to be very good. And then once they got to the playoffs, all of a sudden he had expectations.

Jeff Fisher helped move the Rams to LA specifically to have excuses for poor coaching performance

I am absolutely convinced that Jeff Fisher was instrumental in like moving the entire franchise of the Rams to LA because Jeff knew that once he gets to Los Angeles, he's coming off a big move. He's got some excuses. If things don't go well, he's like, I'm still unpacking my shit... you can't fire him if he just has the cable guy at his house all the time.

Finding a way to half-ass a job and maintain mediocre performance while keeping job security is a commendable life achievement

If you can figure out a way to half ass your job and do a very mediocre job and like keep the bar as low as possible on what people expect from you, but still keep your job. That's commendable in this world.

The NCAA banning the slam dunk for nine years was the most racist rule in sports history

So people forget that college basketball banned the slam dunk for nine years. And they banned it because of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar because he was dunking on all these white guys. I think that's probably the most racist rule to ever be enacted—like blatantly racist rule to ever be enacted in sports is that you're not allowed to dunk the ball anymore in basketball.

Banning the home run in baseball would make the sport unwatchable

I would love that rule [banning the home run]. That would be a great rule. Could you imagine? Actually, that would basically make baseball unwatchable, now that I'm saying it out loud.

I am almost completely done with the 2016 Chicago Bulls

I thought there was no way in hell that the Chicago Bulls would lose two back-to-back games against the New York Knicks. Boy, was I wrong. So that one was a big-time Jimbo. Hurt me in the wallet. Hurt me in the heart. Hurt me in the soul. I am so close to being hashtag done with the Chicago Bulls.

The best way to quit gambling is through 'aversion therapy' by intentionally losing bets to get a bad taste in your mouth

Teach yourself some—what's it called when you—like aversion therapy? You want to bet on some bets that you know are going to lose. You want to lose some bets and get a bad taste in your mouth from gambling... and you won't want to do it anymore.

A nose tackle is the best job in the NFL

I would love to be a nose tackle in the NFL because your job description is like eat as much shit as you want, as long as you can stand up and just not fall over backwards from your own girth. Just be so big that it takes two people to touch you at the same time.

Hulk Hogan's sex tape was likely a publicity stunt

I find it hard to believe that this wasn't some kind of a stunt where [Hulk Hogan] gave his permission to do this. I don't think the stunt was meant for him to originally bring a lawsuit. I think the stunt was probably so he would get clicks and hits and publicity.

Michigan State's loss to Middle Tennessee was a total shock

I thought Michigan State... were getting set for a run. And the way they got beat, man... They looked slow. They looked sluggish. They got their ass beat, and they got it beat all day. That surprised me more than anything. I don't get shocked much, but that was a shock.

LeBron should toy with the Cavs' emotions by following rival teams

He knows that he can do whatever he wants in Cleveland. So he should just keep toying with their emotions. He should go look at houses in Miami, rent a condo in Malibu. Unfollow the Cavs Twitter account. Follow the Knicks Instagram account. Just basically do all this shit to toy with their emotions.

The inconsistency of NCAA tournament referees makes it impossible for players to adjust

The refs not only aren't consistent game to game, they're not consistent in game. If you watch the Wisconsin Xavier game, the first 10 minutes they let them play. They let them bang down low. Then the last 30 minutes, it was ticky-tack all the way through. They were calling every little contact. I just don't know how, as a player, you can handle that.

Watching the first half of any March Madness game is a waste of time

What are you even doing if you're watching the first five minutes of a March Madness game? I don't think I've ever done that.

I am officially done with Bill Murray

I've reached the point where, like, I'm sick of Bill Murray just showing up to stuff. It used to be for the last five years he would just, like, show up somewhere and you'd be expected to laugh... now it's to the point where, okay, Bill, we get it. Like, you show up places where you're not invited sometimes. I don't think it's fun anymore.

John Calipari is an overrated in-game coach who relies on superior athletes

I think Calipari is actually a little bit overrated as a coach... I think he's obviously the best recruiter in the country. I don't think he's the best in-game coach. He's like one of those guys. He's actually kind of like Roy Williams, who they always have really good athletes. I don't know if they always do the best job coaching those athletes because they just kind of let them go.

The NCAA tournament needs to provide fans with a 'come down drug' to help transition back to reality on Monday

They need to give you a come down drug tomorrow. Like the fact that we don't get anything [on Monday] is bullshit. You expect everyone to go from this great event that lasted a full entire long weekend to reality on Monday. You can't do that.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.

The Barstool Sports app is the worst app ever created

Barstool's app truly is the worst app that's ever been created... I think they made the Barstool app just to crash. Can we just make an app that just crashes all the time? And if you're looking at it from that perspective, it's the greatest app that's ever been created.

The Chive is responsible for making Bill Murray annoying

The Chive is to blame for like all the stuff that i hate about bill murray... They just wrote, they did tits and ass and then they said, Bill Murray, comma, get it. Now i'm more confident than ever in my Bill Murray take.