Johnny Bench, Kyle Long, TJ Lavin 04/01/2016

The Saturday Final Four games will go under because of the stadium environment in Houston

I told everyone i think two days ago the unders are going to come in on saturday no one can shoot in the houston [NRG] something or other dome. So take the unders... parlay the unders.

April Fool's jokes are only for women and corporations

I feel like April Fool's jokes are for chicks. Let's be honest. It's for chicks and also like corporations. It's really it's a holiday for girls and for brands. That's about it.

Benching Pablo Sandoval for being fat is counterproductive; the team should make him play more to burn calories

Benching him is like the opposite of what you want to do. If I'm a fat guy, if you tell me like, Hey, you're too fat to do your job. So you're just not going to do it anymore. I'm like, uh, like, so what's the catch? I get to just sit and like, hang out in the clubhouse now. If you want to get Pablo Sandoval to lose weight, you make him play like a simulated game, then the real game, then like another simulated game. Like just starve him to death and make him work so hard that he has to lose the weight.

Landon Donovan is not sexist because he has a twin sister

Correct i have a twin sister i'm the furthest thing from sexist... Some of my best siblings that were born at the exact same time of me are women, in fact, so I cannot be sexist. I love this reasoning from Landon Donovan... I'm taking this from Landon Donovan and I'm saying he is, in fact, not sexist.

NFL locker room drama like the D'Angelo Russell leak would stay in-house because the culprit would get beaten up

Honestly, I think the difference between basketball guys and football guys is that you would never even hear a story like this come out. And if it did come out, it would be kept in-house and somebody would get their shit kicked in. And then it would kind of be like, let's move on.

If you are going to cheat on someone, you should cheat on Iggy Azalea

If you're going to cheat on somebody, you should cheat on Iggy. But I think that that's one of those relationships that's probably in the public eye. It benefits both of them. It's a symbiotic relationship. I wouldn't think that it's one that's really, like, organic.

I saw a UFO in Scottsdale that moved way too fast for a normal aircraft

I saw one last year at Scottsdale. Somebody told me we were by the airport, but I was like, don't believe it. Moves way too fast. Awkward movements. UFOs. I was driving north on Scottsdale and I was going to Kierland... And I absolutely saw a UFO. It was like stopping in the air. It was meandering. It was making like crazy [movements].

Opening Day should be a national holiday

Kingsford came to me, and it was the idea that Cincinnati forever was the first game of the season... I'm actually pushing for a national baseball day. I don't know why, you know, if I were elected president... that we shouldn't have a baseball day, and everybody just has one thing in mind, and that's going to the ballparks.

The Cubs have a shot to win it all this year because their young players look professional

I think that's fine. You know, you got a lot of young guys that have really come up out of the minor leagues and have just absolutely performed, and they come up with so much confidence, and they really look professional, and it's exciting to see... You got a shot.

If a player bat flips in your face, the pitcher should knock him down next time

He's going to go down on his butt. You're gonna oh you're gonna call for the inside heat you didn't even have to you know the pitcher already knows it. The thing you know he's standing out there and you show him up i can understand if it's a game-ending situation where the guy gets excited but you know in the old days you know everybody had a memory you don't show me up.

90% of NFL players likely have a torn groin by the end of a season

I don't think that a torn groin is like – I'd say 90% of the NFL has a torn groin by the end of the season. I don't think this is anything special.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.