Takes

Joe Flacco is a downgrade at quarterback from Trevor Siemian for the Broncos.

The Broncos ... they got Joe Flacco. That's a downgrade from Trevor Siemian.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.

Zeke Elliott should sit out the entire 2019 season to maintain his leverage

If I'm Zeke, I'm sitting out the whole season. I got more power to Zeke on this one. Zeke, don't play this year at all.

Aaron Rodgers is a try-hard loser for his Canada Boys outfit

Three years after that joke was funny, and probably like 10 years after that joke was funny, Aaron Rodgers hopped on. Classic. Way to go, dude. You fucking try-hard loser.

I am officially running for President of the United States in 2020

I'm hereby declaring myself... I'm opening my candidacy for president of the United States of America. All I need is 125,000 individual donors. If 125,000 of you gave me $1, then I would qualify for the next debates. So I don't see why not.

I will make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday as President

I'm opening my candidacy for president... Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

Jon Snow will kill Daenerys Targaryen and the dragon

I've said that Jon Snow's going to kill Dany... I think Jon Snow's going to kill Dany and kill the dragon. Because he's going to be like, we can't have dragons in this world. Look what they did to King's Landing.

I'm 'killing' Walgreens because of their partnership with Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos

I'm going to kill Walgreens because they partnered up with Theranos. And they took people's blood and screwed it up. [Big Cat: But she was pretty convincing.] She was. I don't blame Walgreens... [Big Cat: I would get duped too.] Okay. I'm still killing Walgreens.

The podcast industry will eventually die like magazines

Everything's going to die. Listen, whatever project you're working on, that thing is not going to exist in 100 years. I don't care who you are. So yeah, everything's going to die.

Raphael is the best and only cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I'm a Raphael. Raphael was the bad boy who April had a crush on... Raphael was the one who would always get them in trouble because he was such a badass. Raphael was the one, he was like the guy who kind of, the straw that stirred the drink.

Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets

A boneless wing... It's a fun fact. They're not even wings... They're chicken nuggets.

Skyline Chili is terrible and only worth eating for the laughs

If I never stepped foot into Skyline Chili again, that would be fantastic. But then whenever we're in the Ohio area, PFT's like, it would be funny if we went to a Skyline. ... [We] sit there silently trying one bite and being like, nope, still terrible.