Takes

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

Jayden Daniels is the worst quarterback from the 2024 draft class

My preemptive take of the year was right. Commanders would miss a playoffs and Jayden Daniels be the worst out of all the quarterbacks in 2024. [Big Cat: 'Michael Penix?'] He looked pretty good before the injury.

Tom Wilson is unfairly targeted by NHL officials and the league

I would say Tom Wilson... I die on several hills for him every year. I do think that he is targeted by the NHL. I think he's targeted by refs.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

People who complain about winter are losers and should just move to California

People that bitch about winter are fucking losers. It's cold and it's dark early and also get over it. Don't bitch. Move to California if you don't like it.

The Commanders' Super Bowl window is officially open right now

I don't think it's delusional to say that I am, I'm existing inside of a Super Bowl window right now. ... The window's cracked right now and I'm, I'm thinking about opening it up. There's a nice draft that's coming through.

I will not drink alcohol until Thanksgiving to train for my dunk attempt

I'm going. I'm not drinking till Thanksgiving... I'm training every day. It's not something I've like forgot about. Overdrive.

I'm getting a gambling turtle named Mr. Pear to make picks on the show

I like it done. Mr. Pear. Mr. Pear... we'll stamp the slices of pears with the different logos. Yeah. And that will be, that will be how he picks his games. Which pair Mr. Pear. And we should never discipline him. Never.

When PMT eventually ends, we will do a massive cash-grab retirement tour

When we do end up hanging up the cleats, we're gonna do like a sellout like Aerosmith... and we're just gonna be like, yeah, we're gonna make like $20 million being washed up podcasters doing like one final tour... it would be a much more calculated landing the plane.

I am not moving to Chicago with the rest of the show

I will not be moving to Chicago. Kind of been in denial about it. It sucks to say there are various parts of my life that I keep private that impacted this decision. I hope you guys respect the decision. Please just remember that I am the only one who can weigh all the factors that impact my life.

Every sports player should be allowed to fight one fan per year

I have the rule that they should enact in all sports. That every player gets to fight one fan once a year. Because that solves that. [Anthony Rendon] gets to fight that guy who called him a pussy, beat his ass. He called him a bitch, beat his ass. And then no one's gonna fuck with the rest of the [players] because he'll be like, wow, Anthony Rendon beat the fuck out him.

Best action movies are essentially porn but with fighting instead of sex

In college I would do man movie Fridays and we would watch the worst action movie you can watch. Bloodsport, Under Siege, Cobra. It's basically like watching porn, but instead of fucking, they just beat the fuck out of each other because the dialogue's that bad. Best of the Best 2, maybe my favorite movie ever.

Brandon Staley was supposed to turn the Chargers into a championship team

I thought Brandon Staley was gonna turn this whole Chargers thing around. I was like, this guy knows Ball. This guy has, it's a new C word team. Forget your father's Chargers.

I will become a Colts fan in the AFC if Jim Irsay forces Dan Snyder to sell

I will become a Colts fan in the AFC if Jim Irsay does this [gets Dan Snyder out]. And I think he's going to, because you've never heard an owner say anything like this before.

Career decisions and outcomes in your twenties are ultimately inconsequential to the rest of your life.

Don't compare yourself to [classmates]. You're going to feel like you have to compare yourself to them... it doesn't mean anything for the course of your life. What you do in your twenties can be ultimately inconsequential to what happens for the rest of your life. So don't rush into being an adult too quick.

Traveling with kids is a 'trip', not a 'vacation'

It's vacation when you don't have children with you. And it's a trip when you do, because you're not, it's not a vacation when you bring your kids... Away game parenting is so much harder than a home game.

The best way to build a youth basketball dynasty is to teach every player how to shoot skyhooks

This is actually serious. If you really want to be a dynasty and don't like be a Dick about it and run them too hard, teach them all how, how to shoot skyhooks. You can't guard it. You would not be able to guard it. Skyhooks for everyone.

Ryen Russillo would 'snap Hank in half' in a fight

Dude, he would... No offense, but [Ryen] Russillo would snap you in half. ... if you versus Russillo, you're not that guy.

I would bail any PMT cast member out of jail for killing a man, but not a woman

I think if it was another man, I'd bail all of you guys out for killing another man. Well, no, I would not bail you out if you killed a woman. I think I'd bail you guys out if you guys were like, hey, I got into beef with another man, had to kill him. I'd be like, alright, fine, fuck it, let's roll.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a means of staying alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.

Podcast rankings are misleading; people should check episode rankings for true listener stats

How come some podcasts randomly go higher than you guys in the podcast ranking sometimes? Does that mean they get more listeners? No, it does not. So if you start a new podcast, your podcast is always going to be... It just goes to number one. That's just how it works. The way to realize the success of shows is episodes. So if you go to the episode page, you can see where shows are ranked. Just look at the episodes, bitch.

The OMAD (One Meal A Day) diet is going to 'kick everyone's ass'

I'm on a diet. You've got to get your stomach small, bro. Once you reach OMAD (One Meal A Day), it's a level of intermittent fasting... If I never eat again, I will be skinny. OMAD is going to kick everyone's ass.

You must eat only white cheese if you want to live to 100

I had a cab driver once from LaGuardia who was like, if you want to live to 100, you got to eat only white cheese. He's like, the minute you eat yellow cheese, you're going to kill yourself... He said it was such authority that I was like, damn. He must be right.

The cancelation of Barstool Van Talk saved their lives

We would all be super mega rich film stars or dead. Dead. That's my go-to answer when everyone, if anybody asks me a question like that, it's like, yeah, I would have died within six months. We did it for fucking seven days and I was pooping blood.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

I am going to retire from podcasting in three years

I'm going to retire in like three years... I think as soon as I'm like, it's funny being old right now, but then when I'm real old, old, it'll be like, this sucks.

Wisconsin will make a tournament run because Roy Williams and North Carolina are turnover machines

I have talked myself into Wisconsin making a run. I said to myself, you know what? Roy Williams, he's not a good coach. [North Carolina] are going to turn the ball over. They're going to win, they're going to hit their jump shots. I've done that.

I will cut my hair if Ryan Fitzpatrick wins a playoff game for Washington

When Ryan Fitzpatrick wins a playoff game, I will cut my hair. For the football team. I'll say it with my chest: when Ryan Fitzpatrick wins a playoff game, I will cut my hair.

Dads love it when their sons come home from college for the first time because they see them as their "party kid"

I think what you can do is, especially with your dad, dads love their sons going off to college for the first time. Cause they come back that first break and dad's like 'there's my party kid right there.' Your dad will probably drink with you on the first night. Maybe be a little hungover... and then you've already established that you drink in his house now.

Thin sugar cookies with sprinkles are the superior Christmas cookie

I just like the sugar cookies with the, the like the straight up like the thin sugar cookies with the sprinkles on it that you can eat like a thousand of them.

An Xbox is the best breakup gift to give during the holidays

What's the best gift to get someone that you want to break up with after the holiday season? An Xbox, I'm just going to say it. Like something that will keep them entertained. Because if you break up with him after giving him an Xbox, he's not going to be talking to you anyways. At that point it will just be obsessed with his new video game system.

The Fire Fest segment is a better version of the old Jimbo segment

Fire Fest sounds a lot cooler. I think that if you just keep saying Fire Fest, it will be at the beginning of when it's cool again. We're waiting it out. We're squatting on Fire Fest. Eventually people will start saying Fire Fest again and they'll be like, 'Oh wait to rip off Pardon My Take.'

It is better to be freezing inside with no heat than sweating with no AC

I'd rather be cold than hot. [With no AC] you can almost like figure it out... take off my t-shirt, wear some shorts, no underwear... [but] I had my heat die in Chicago when it was 10 degrees out and you can't move. It gets so, so cold inside.

Skee-Ball is a bizarre hobby; get a girlfriend instead

[Listener:] I'm officially addicted to [Skee-Ball] to the point where I spend my Friday nights doing so, do you have any advice to knock this bizarre hobby? [Big Cat:] I would find a girlfriend.

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

Testicles shrivel in the cold specifically to regulate sperm production temperature

When your balls shrivel up when it's cold is because they are seeking warmth because your sperm factory, in your nut sack, has to stay closer to your body to be the right temperature... because the optimal sperm producing temperature is a little bit chillier than the rest of your body.

I will get Kevin Durant on the podcast before my 36th birthday

I will say if we don't get Kevin Durant on this podcast in our age of 35, cancel my birthday next year. I'll just stay 35 forever.

Philip Rivers will play in 2020 because he needs a break from his nine children

Phil is addicted to blood... he is going to be faced with a choice of staying at home with nine kids... or going to work and getting a break from those nine kids. I think he's going to go to work.

I can definitely hit a 35-yard field goal right now

I'd say when [the tryout] went good, not great. ... Mr. 35 Yards. ... I didn't do as bad as I was fearing that I was going to do. ... [Big Cat and Hank] would both make them on your first time [but] we would suck.

I could outkick Jay Feeley if we were both forced to kick field goals while wearing suits and reporting on the sideline

Could PFT outkick Jay Feeley now if they were both wearing suits and reporting on the sideline and immediately got called in to start kicking field goals? Definitely. Jay Feeley's a fucking loser. He needs his two little weird gloves to be able to kick. I don't need that shit.

There is a 50% chance I get signed to an XFL contract

Let me say, I think that there is actually like a 50% chance that I do get an XFL contract, that I am signed to the XFL. I'm going to find out on Wednesday night and be able to report on Thursday morning what happened.

Running is not good for you because human hearts have a finite number of beats

Running isn't good for you. No one should ever think running's good for you. As far as I'm concerned, your heart only has a finite amount of beats programmed into it at birth. It's like eggs in a woman. So I don't want to raise my heart rate too high because then it's not going to be around to beat when I'm past the age of 70.

The first day of March Madness is the most stressful betting day of the year

First day of March Madness. Because there's just so much that can go wrong, and if it goes wrong, you're... you can be in a hole and look up out of the hole and be like, how am I going to get out of this hole? And then it's, oh, whoops, it's also a sinkhole.

Always bet the 'Under' on bowl games played on Christmas

I always do Christmas unders. Got to go Christmas time unders although it's hot on the block right [Ben] Herbert, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Just the first game right? No first three games.

Jameis Winston's stats are only better than Peyton Manning's because of the era

This is how the new-age NFL [is]. This is why the Jameis Winston/Peyton Manning stats are ridiculous when you actually adjust them for era. It's like, yeah, of course Jameis Winston has these numbers that are better than Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning still played partially in the old NFL.

Czechoslovakia is the original home of goulash

They say the Czech Republic or Czechoslovakia originally is the home of goulash.

The Astros tried to perform a 'karma' exorcism by firing Brandon Taubman

The karma is they're trying to win the karma back so they can win some games... They basically did an exorcism on themselves.

ESPN essentially gifted China territorial rights to an island by using an inaccurate map

The map that ESPN showed had the nine-dash line at the bottom right corner of China... which isn't on a map and it's not even a real thing. But the fact that they were fed this map means that ESPN is now giving territorial rights to the South China Sea to China, which they don't own. So ESPN just basically gifted China an island on national television today.

Dan Snyder will outlive me as the owner of the Redskins

Dan Snyder... is going to outlive me. I've accepted it. He's either made a deal with the devil or he's got like a blood-sucking operation where he gets rejuvenated with the blood of 13-year-olds every two weeks.

The Jaguars will go from worst to first in the AFC South.

Jaguars. That division is like Andrew Luck's gone. I don't know what the Titans offense is going to be. ... I think it's got to be the Jaguars.