Brian Baumgartner (Kevin Malone), Bill & Melinda Gates Break Up, Lebron Will Never Be The Same and FAQ’s

Steve Ballmer is definitely the guy at a bachelor party who over-plans every single detail

Steve Ballmer is definitely the dude on a bachelor party who overplans every detail. It's like, alright, we're going to go fucking play some golf... 8 a.m. We're going to go to a nice, awesome lunch spot that I found. Then I rented a boat. Then we got a dinner. It's like, dude, we just want to fucking get drunk. Stop planning everything.

The NHL is partially responsible for Tom Wilson's behavior because they removed goons from the game

It's kind of, in a weird way, the NHL's fault for getting fighting and goons out of hockey because Tom Wilson is kind of the apex predator now. Like, if there were still goons, a goon would fuck Tom Wilson up, and it would be taken care of, and he wouldn't be doing this shit. He's a hybrid goon... he knows there's no real repercussions.

NHL players should be suspended for the same duration that the player they injured is sidelined

It does feel like an easy way to fix this in hockey is just you're suspended for as long as a guy's injured. Like, that's so easy.

Sports broadcasting needs more emotional analysts who wear their hearts on their sleeves

Maybe this is what we need. We need a guy who just wears his heart on his sleeve and has like, you know, when his quarterback or quarterbacks screw up or want to trade, he gets emotional. I like that... We need people to care about stuff that much on our televisions.

LeBron James is laying the groundwork for the greatest underdog story ever with his injury excuses

LeBron James is laying the groundwork for one of the greatest underdog stories of all time... LeBron James came back from his ankle injury. Bron James said, on his first game back... getting back to 100% is impossible. I don't think I'll ever be back to 100% in my career. Poor little LeBron James is just out there.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

Major Biden will likely attack and eat the new White House cat

Major Biden, the dog, the German Shepherd dog, is being socialized back into the White House with the help of a cat, and that cat is fucking dead. Oh, yeah. That dog is going to eat the shit out of that cat.

Russell Westbrook deserves significantly more respect for averaging a triple-double for a fourth season

Russell Westbrook doesn't get enough respect. This is now the fourth season that he will average a triple-double for the entire season. He could record zero points, zero rebounds, and zero assists in all the rest of the games this season, and he would still have a triple-double... The dude is fucking crazy. He's really, really good.

Steve Carell is the greatest improviser in the history of entertainment

Steve Carell, I believe, is the greatest improviser maybe in the history of entertainment. Anytime he improvises, it's always on topic. It's always super smart, in character, to the point... never veers in a weird direction.

The human brain can only master one of three domains: sports, music, or trivia

A person's brain can only do one of those three things: trivia, music information, or sports information... and music I could almost I can sing tunes of which I get about three words out of 20 correct... but sports that's my interest so like that's that's my distraction and my hobby.

The San Francisco 49ers might not actually draft a quarterback with the #3 overall pick

San Francisco is... everything they've done has been very secretive. It's all sort of come out of – it's been a surprise. And now I don't know if they're really going to take him with the third pick... I don't know if they're going to draft a quarterback.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a hobby to stay alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.