Takes

Kevin Durant should be the new 'White Whale' guest for PMT

People always ask our white whale once we got J.J. Watt. Now Kevin Durant's our white whale. It's got to be. Kevin Durant is now in a position where I really do think if he came on, it would be a win for him.

LeBron James would not be a good guest on the show

I actually don't think LeBron would be a good guest on the show. LeBron will never, ever do Pardon My Take. He would probably complain and let [his feelings] fester.

The best way to end a player holdout is to invent a disappointed child

It's a great, great way to just bend teams to your will is invent a child. For everybody else out there, just invent a kid and be like, my child is so disappointed. He was your hero. We gave him some matches. He's four years old and he just burned your jersey in the backyard.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

Rosé cider is delicious despite being a 'chick drink'

Rosé cider. Kind of a chick drink, but it's just so delicious. I could drink it any day. Sometimes the ones in the can have a lot of sugar, though, so I try and go out of my way to find one with low sugar.

A guy in a white Chrysler 300 is the breakdown of society

This guy in this white Chrysler 300 sedan... He now decides he's going to go back into the fast lane. I decided, you know, this is an allegory for a breakdown in society. All right? Here I am. I'm a very calm person. But when you abuse me like this, I'm not letting him in.

J.J. Watt being healthy is the official sign that football is back

you know football is back because there's a lot of buzz about J.J. Watt not being injured... J.J. Watt being like, is this the year that J.J. Watt can stay healthy all year? That means football is officially back.

The Hall of Fame game becomes absolute dog shit after the first five minutes

I'm excited for the Hall of Fame game. My dumb brain tricks my dumb body into getting all amped up for the Hall of Fame game. And then I forget that after the first five minutes of the game, it's just absolute dog shit.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

Aaron Donald is one of the top five players in the league and the Rams need to pay him

they have not given their best player and one of the top five players in the league, Aaron Donald, a new contract. So I feel like this is not getting – you've got to take care of that guy, right?

Kevin Love has the perfect career because he has a ring and now has zero pressure playing for the Cavs

I feel like Kevin Love has finally reached happiness... now he gets to just be on the Cavs and hang out and not make the playoffs and shoot the ball a lot... make a lot of money. Hang out. Put up stats. Live a good life. I kind of love it.

Modern baseball and stat heads are ruining starting pitching

modern baseball is ruining starting pitching. Like, you see guys starting relievers now. Stat heads have killed starting pitching... if they expand rosters it's over there's not going to be starting pitching anymore it's just going to be a bunch of relievers.

Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away for his lazy play against the Rays

He removed his pinstripes, said Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away... El Gary is supposed to be the people talking Hall of Fame after his first year... he should just show up to the next home game with the road jersey and be like, here you go, boss. Here are my pinstripes.

Rachel McAdams is the number one wifey material

I think that's the meanest thing you can say to a girl because Rachel McAdams is like the number one wifey material. Like she is. Like you'd rather your boyfriend say like your friend looks like a porn star or like some crazy model or something like that. But Rachel McAdams like in Wedding Crashers. Oof, Marron.

Nothing in sports compares to Tiger Woods being in contention on a major Sunday

When Tiger is involved in a major on Sunday, there's nothing like it in sports. And just to have those few moments... everyone was like, this actually could happen. Like Tiger could actually do it. He's wearing his Sunday red. Everyone was excited.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Tom Brady would have retired if the Patriots had beaten the Eagles in the Super Bowl

If they had won the Super Bowl this year [Super Bowl LII], I believe he retired. Because I think when Gisele said that to the CBS Morning Show, she wasn't provoked to talk about his concussions. She was putting the pressure on him, I think, to say, Tommy's had concussions. He's not going to listen to me, but maybe he'll listen to somebody else.

The Patriots only traded Jimmy Garoppolo because Tom Brady forced them to

It doesn't make sense what happened in New England. If you tell me that that organization all of a sudden said, we're not trading Garoppolo. You can't have Garoppolo. Then all of a sudden you could have Garoppolo for a second-round draft pick. It doesn't make sense. And then, you know, so Brady, if he's pushing them to say, look, I'm not retiring here. Get rid of the kid. It feels like now Brady's indebted to them a little bit because they did what it felt like he asked them to do.

I would take five LeBrons over five Michael Jordans in a prime matchup

[Big Cat]: Five MJs, five LeBrons. Who you got? Both in their prime. [Dan Patrick]: I'll take five LeBrons. LeBron's going to be as accomplished. The fact he went to eight straight NBA finals.

LeBron James didn't play a lick of defense in the 2017-18 season

He literally didn't play defense. There was many times where he literally did not play defense. He did not play defense in 2017-18. He didn't.

Michael Jordan could not survive in today's social media environment

Mike, Mike couldn't survive in today's social media. He wouldn't have done well with social media.

I like the Kawhi Leonard trade for the Raptors because their old core wasn't working

I actually like this move for the Raptors because you couldn't, after you lose to LeBron 4-0 in your best season in franchise history... And everyone says these guys are a mental mess. DeMar DeRozan didn't even play in game three in crunch time. You need to do something different.

Kawhi Leonard is a top five NBA player when healthy

Kawhi is, if he's healthy, which I assume he is, is a top five NBA player. And now you have one of the best defenses in the NBA.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

Unwritten rules are necessary to provide policing in baseball

For the most part, what I believe unwritten rules do are provide a sort of policing that players on the whole can either understand at the minimum, even if they're not on board with. They kind of have an idea of why this is happening. Why am I getting drilled right now?

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring.

French kissing animals is fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Elon Musk is a total fraud.

I'm so here for Elon Musk, like, just having meltdown after meltdown because everyone realizes he's a fraud and, like, promising people to go to Mars. ... Elon Musk... Total fraud.

Imagine Dragons' new song will be the perfect pump-up music for college football this fall.

Imagine Dragons dropped a new song, which is going to be the perfect pump up music for college football this fall. ... It's really good. ... It's very, very, it's like perfect. You can actually imagine, you know, like South Carolina playing Clemson on a Saturday night.

Giancarlo Stanton and I would still be on the Marlins if Jose Fernandez hadn't passed away.

I'd still be there. Stanton would still be there. We'd all still be there this year if that [Jose Fernandez's passing] didn't happen. This would have been his last year before free agency so we would have been gearing up making a playoff push and we had a ton of talent on those teams.

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you're the champion for four years

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you get to be champion for four years. That's pretty fucking sweet. It's like being president.

Harry Kane's Golden Boot was unimpressive due to the quality of his goals

Harry Kane spits when he talks, scored like half his goals from PKs and kicking it in from two feet out. He won the golden boot.

The Michael Jordan statue is the most iconic sports statue in the world

I'm going to MJ's statue, iconic statue. It's a logo that everyone, you know, it's basically the coolest logo in the world. That's the number one sports statue in the world in my mind.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

Lionel Messi is the greatest soccer player of all time, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo versus Messi. Who's better? [Rooney:] Messi. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but they're both probably the best players ever to play the game. And I just think Messi is... In my eyes, the greatest ever.

Soccer is the greatest sport ever created

What's something that the casual fan doesn't understand about the sport? [Rooney:] For me, it's the greatest sport ever created.

Boltman's retirement is the 'official' end of the Chargers in San Diego

And it's like this is the official move of the Chargers to L.A. When Boltman retires and he's like, I'm done. I've been pushed too far. Boltman, these diehard fans that the organization just pushes them a little too far, and they have to announce their retirement.

People who get offended by bat flips in baseball are silly

People getting offended by bat flips are so silly. I fucking love this. I think this might be a straw man now. I think we've gotten to the point where... now I think we might just be arguing against no one.

Jeff Fisher will be a good announcer because he is as close to nothing as possible

I'm being totally honest when I say that I think [Jeff Fisher] will be a good announcer, and here's why. The best announcers don't really say shit... [Fisher] is as close to nothing as possible. So he'll just, like, chime in. Every, like, third down, he'll be like, I think they should probably run it here.

Kevin Durant is the most triggered athlete of all time

Kevin Durant, he is easily the number one most triggered athlete of all time, without a doubt. It's not even close.

The MLB should put Tim Tebow in the Home Run Derby to boost ratings

Let Tebow hit in the home run derby in the All-Star game... the bottom line is, you want a ratings bonanza, get Tim Tebow in the fucking home run derby.

The Challenge is the number one reality show of all time

My number one reality show of all time is The Challenge. I have seen pretty much every season... I watch it now. It never gets old.

Cops is a top-tier reality show because of its unique hook and short format

My first one is going to be Cops. Cops is a classic. I also like the format of it. It's short, and it hooks you in. One thing they do when they play a marathon of Cops, right when the end credit of Bad Boys by Inner Circle is done, the start of Bad Boys by Inner Circle just hits immediately.

The World Cup moment might be too big for this young French team

France is actually... They're talking about possible dynasty. Well, so France... They haven't won anything. It might be too soon for these kids. The moment might be too big for them. They don't have the experience.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Juventus is a good fit because Serie A is all about defense

I think it's a good fit. You don't score goals in Serie A... In Italy, it's just all about defense. So if he gets his one free kick a game, then his team's probably going pretty good.

Russell Wilson is currently 'killing the sexy dance game'

Russell Wilson is absolutely killing the sexy dance game and dancing with Ciara... So he did a video with Ciara doing this little weird dance and he stole the show. So you would think, oh, Ciara, she's a professional performer. She's got moves. False. Russell Wilson was in the background killing it.

I'm tired of the NBA being 'too in our face' during the summer

I don't need the NBA Summer League. I don't need it in my face. The NBA gets like 10 months now. I can take a break. I love the NBA... but I just don't need to talk about every single thing that happens in the NBA Summer League... I feel like the NBA is way too in our face. Like, just chill.