Takes

Golf needs an asshole like Patrick Reed

I love Patrick Reed. I do love this man. He is a basic bitch. He's a man baby. On the golf course. He's a man baby. He's amazing. Yes, he's an asshole, but golf needs an asshole.

Ricky Fowler cannot win a major wearing a 'candy-ass' uniform on Sunday

I also feel bad for Sergio... I mean, we've long stood, you know, the Miami Dolphins, the Oregon Ducks. Teams that wear candy-ass uniforms in big-time moments, they just aren't as intimidating. And Ricky went with the creamsicle today, and I like Ricky. But I'm thinking maybe on Sundays in the majors, he needs to tone it down a little. You can wear the candy-ass uniforms after you bring home a title.

The opiate epidemic is much more harmful to the NFL player culture than marijuana

I do believe in the fact that the opiate epidemic is much more harmful to the player culture than marijuana would ever be. The continuation of them pumping players with opiates rather than finding some alternative is what is problematic to me.

NFL Draft prospects must understand they are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies

You've got to understand for the next, you know, four or five months, this is locked in time... You are going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, essentially. I never looked at it that way. Of course, I see it completely different now, and that's the way you have to look at it. You are the head of a foundation, of an organization, and you can be for a long period of time.

Josh Rosen thinks like LeBron James

He thinks like LeBron James thinks. He does. He loves football. He wants to be the best quarterback to have ever played, and what goes with that is most likely being in the biggest market, which could be the New York Giants. And that allows him for so many other business. He wants to be all that.

Rocks are squishy until someone touches them

What if rocks are squishy until someone touches it? ... Whoa. It took you a second but now whoa that's crazy that's like they're all just a bunch of squishy starfish and then you touch it and it's hard it gets real hard.

Conor McGregor's rampage at Barclays Center was a real incident, not a work

I cannot figure out, a lot of people are saying it might be a work. I think it's real. I think it's absolutely real.

Conor McGregor is bigger than the UFC

Conor McGregor's bigger than the UFC. That's really what it comes down to. I think Dana White actually has a problem here because he can't pay Conor McGregor what Conor McGregor is worth at this point.

We should harness the power of tectonic plates using 'Groundmills' for energy

Groundmills. We harness the power of the Earth's tectonic plates... We just put a windmill that moves. It's a giant blade. And so whenever the fault lines shift, it pushes this huge blade that makes electricity for everybody.

Villanova is a basketball death squad

Villanova is a fucking death squad of a basketball team. There was a moment... when Michigan was up... and then Dante DiVincenzo showed up and basically... it's like that's it for Michigan. I'll tell you, you've never seen a team be up so fast so early and then know the instant the game was over even though it was still a tie game.

The Oakland A's low attendance signifies that baseball is dwindling away

My hot seat is the Oakland A's and baseball in general. Oakland A's only managed to draw 7,000 people for their game against the Rangers last night. ... I mean, baseball, another sign. Baseball's dwindling away.

Villanova has officially earned its seat at the table as a college basketball blue blood

Villanova is now getting called a blue blood. So maybe one less seat at the table. You can't only have so many blue bloods. Are we going to shuffle someone out? I don't know.

Josh Rosen's intelligence and outside interests are red flags for NFL teams

I think a red flag has been brought up for Josh Rosen that he's too smart and that he cares too much about things besides football. ... Teams should send scouts to the UCLA library and hang out there, see how many times Josh Rosen comes in... if you're reading more history books than your playbook, then it's going to be a real issue.

If you want bigger arms, you should focus on your triceps instead of your biceps

If you want bigger arms first, I would focus on triceps because they're a bigger, meatier muscle. And you probably will do, like, more pressing movement, so you'll get bigger everything kind of.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Baker Mayfield screen-grabbing negative tweets is a baby back bitch move

Baker Mayfield apparently is screen grabbing everything that's ever been said about him negatively. Sounds like a baby back bitch move that Kevin Durant does.

Kevin Durant is the softest superstar of all time

But he [Durant] has to be the softest superstar of all time. LeBron does not get triggered. Kevin Durant had a burner account fucking responding to his own tweets. He literally goes on these podcasts and sounds so angry about everything... stop being such a baby all the time.

If you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life

Trevor [Bauer], the old saying goes, you can build a million bridges, but if you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life.

StatCast is a fraud because they just guess the numbers

I fucking hate you, StatCast, you fraud bitch. Exit velocity 117 miles per hour, which honestly doesn't sound like it's that fast. Someone asked me a stat cast today for, I think it was Ian Happ or maybe Rizzo's home run, and I did not look, and I was like one mile per hour off from the actual stat cast. So that is why they are frauds. They just guess.

Yankees fans become insufferable immediately on Opening Day

My biggest takeaway from opening day is how much it sucks living in New York when the Yankees, like last year, it wasn't until the end of the season where Yankees fans got insufferable. Day one for the rest of the season. Giancarlo, bro.

Banks should show you your recurring monthly charges so you can see where you're wasting money

How come when I log into my Bank of America account... all I really want to see is what my recurring monthly charges are? Because I'm sure I'm probably spending $200 a month on stuff that I don't use anymore. How come banks just haven't figured out a way to be like, hey, here's what you're wasting money.

There is too much sugar in the world and not enough salt (truth-tellers)

There's not a lot of truth tellers in the world anymore. And so sometimes instead of saying the entire truth, people say a portion of the truth and then try to say something maybe that's kind of sweet so it's not offensive... There's a little too much sugar, and sometimes it doesn't have to be sugar. We just need to tell the truth.

Derek Jeter is unqualified to run a baseball team

What has Jeter done ever to run a team as a success? What has he done ever, period? What businesses has he ever run? ... Bernie Williams carried him when he was on the Yankees. So what makes him qualified to run this team other than he was a ball player? None. Nothing.

MLB should have every player miked up for regular season games

They should just have everyone miked at all times. I would love it. I'd watch another feed. ... First five innings. Perfect.

The Sixers are easy to guard in the playoffs because Ben Simmons can't shoot

Ben Simmons can't shoot, so if you just take them out of his hands, it's a lot easier to guard a team with four players instead of five.

I could kill a man with a football from 10 yards away

If a guy's standing right there and I threw a football at his head, I think I could kill him. ... Deadly within probably 10 yards, I'd imagine.

Ronda Rousey is in the middle of a 'heel turn' in her media appearances

I have to stay woke on it. I think she's turning heel. This is the start.

John Beilein is the best coach in college basketball

John Beilein, he's the best coach in college basketball. I said it before the tournament. Their defense is unbelievable. Their offense has kind of finally shown up.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

It is an honor to be invited to the White House regardless of political views

If we win the World Series, am I going to the White House? I think it's an honor to be invited to the White House. No matter your political view or whatnot, there's a lot of history there.

Physical wide receivers are harder to cover than fast ones

I think a wide receiver, that's physical [is harder]. Just for the simple fact, they could push you everywhere, but you're not allowed to touch them at all.

Deion Sanders is the best cornerback in NFL history

Who is the best cornerback in the history of the NFL? Deion Sanders, Jason Sehorn? I'm going with Deion Sanders.

College basketball teams should foul earlier because college players cannot hit free throws

The one thing that pisses me off this entire tournament... the fact that teams won't extend games. You should make kids shoot free throws in college. They can't hit free throws. And we saw that later with Kentucky.

Gonzaga is the 'always a bridesmaid, never a Cinderella' of college basketball

I guess we have to smash the fraud button on Gonzaga. Always a bridesmaid, never a Cinderella.

Michigan looks as good or better than any team in the tournament except Villanova and Duke

Michigan looks as good, if not better than any team except for Villanova this tournament. And well, Duke.

Sam Darnold's draft stock improved because he threw in the rain during his pro day

Are you nervous that Sam Darnold could throw in the rain? ... There actually were articles written that was the rainy weather. Did the rainy weather help Sam Darnold's draft stock? I think absolutely.

The Jason Pierre-Paul trade to the Buccaneers is not a blockbuster

Do you think that JPP is worth blockbuster trade when tweeted? Because Adam Schefter said JPP getting traded to the Bucs is a blockbuster trade. ... I think four years ago it definitely would have been.

Never partner with someone in business who cheats on their family

Somebody said to me, man, don't be partners with somebody who would cheat like that because he'll screw you in a heartbeat. ... If you're cheating someone else, then I'm convinced you're going to cheat me too.

People with the biggest egos have the thinnest wallets

You ever notice that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Because he doesn't listen to anybody. His ego gets in a way that's typically not very successful.

Zing Zang is the superior Bloody Mary mix compared to handmade versions

I've discovered that the best mix by far for Bloody Mary is Zing Zang mix. There are a lot of places that tout their Bloody Marys as being handmade, and I always say, no, I'm not going to deal with that. I want Zing Zang.

Nick Saban only hires former head coaches as interns so he can eventually beat them

Is this Nick Saban thinking ahead and saying, Butch Jones might get another job in the SEC, so I need to put him under my coaching tree so that I can beat him? Because he's undefeated against his coaching tree.

Skyline Chili is terrible and only worth eating for the laughs

If I never stepped foot into Skyline Chili again, that would be fantastic. But then whenever we're in the Ohio area, PFT's like, it would be funny if we went to a Skyline. ... [We] sit there silently trying one bite and being like, nope, still terrible.

MLB Opening Day should be a national holiday

I'm extremely excited about opening day because for the first time, you're going to have all 30 teams playing on the same day, March 29th. It should be a national holiday. Everybody should be up for work. Even you guys should be just watching baseball that day.

Aaron Rodgers is not overrated for only having one Super Bowl ring

I don't think people should throw trash about him because, first of all, he's one of the greatest quarterback. He's going to finish there his career. One of the greatest I ever played a game. And bro, at the end of the day, winning a Super Bowl is not an easy thing to do. The longest you win one, you're good.

Clayton Kershaw runs out of gas in the playoffs because he pitches too much in the regular season

I think Kershaw, he need to start looking at the regular season, he needs to reflect the playoff on the regular season. He seems like he goes too far during the regular season. And once the playoff kicks in, he seems like he is a little bit out of gas. If you are up by five runs in the sixth, why you got to continue going out there?

Charge calls are the worst part about basketball and should be banned

I don't understand what's a charge and what's a block anymore, so you've got to just get rid of one of them, and you're not going to get rid of the block call. [Charges] are the worst part about basketball in general.