Takes

I would hit three home runs per game in a 16-inch beer softball league.

How many home runs do you think you would hit if you played in my 16-inch beer softball league? ...probably like three, so three a game. ...And the fourth would just be like a double?

The Giants would have beaten the Patriots if they had made it to the Super Bowl.

I think [Bob Kraft] is actually right because Eli Manning is the exact opposite in Super Bowls as Matt Ryan. He sucks for three quarters and then he's really, really good weirdly in the fourth.

Bill Self does not get the most out of his talent at Kansas

[Bill Self's] teams are always really, really good, but they should be better. He doesn't get the most out of his talent. That's the side I'm on.

Fall is the best season for napping, followed by spring

I would rank it power ranking nap seasons, fall number one, spring number two.

LeBron James only wears protective gear to look tough or have an excuse for losing

He literally just wears these things so that then he can say these things were screwing with me... or he can look tough in front of the cameras and everybody's like, oh, look at him. He's not even taking his own health into consideration.

Kansas is currently the best-looking team in the NCAA tournament

Purdue looked awful in the second half, but also Kansas. I mean, they are the best-looking team right now.

Oregon is a 'Team of Destiny' because of the Chris Boucher injury

Don't sleep on Oregon because remember, Oregon takes on Michigan's Team of Destiny and Oregon had the big injury to [Chris] Boucher right before this tournament started... when you lose someone, that's a big Team of Destiny situation.

North Carolina is the best team left in the NCAA tournament

I would say if North Carolina plays a perfect game, they're the best team left in the NCAA tournament.

Always eat ass on the first date

If it smells nice, I eat it, lick it, eat the ass, and then worry about it later... Do you eat ass on first date? ... You got to. You got to.

Humility is what this country is all about

Always be appreciative for the people and always remain humble. It started out as a joke, and it's very serious to me. Stay humble because that's what this country is about.

Mark Sanchez will be the 'alpha' in the Bears locker room over Mike Glennon

Sanchez is going to be the alpha in that locker room. So that's the situation... You never want to bring in a backup. That's the alpha.

Mark Cuban has become everything he used to hate

Something's been going on with the Cuban recently because he used to be woke. He was the wokest of the old owners. Now he's become everything that he used to hate. He's getting duped left and right.

Robert Griffin III being a 'goober' on Instagram makes Russell Wilson look better

This is actually great for Russell Wilson because anytime RG3 opens his mouth, people remember, oh, Russ Wilson isn't the biggest goober quarterback out there.

NBA players are right to sit out games if we judge them solely on championship rings

I actually want to point the finger back at the fans and media for this one. Because if there's one thing that all the fans and media do is they count rings... If these guys are sitting out because they're trying to win rings, I mean, they're literally trying to put themselves in the best position to win the thing that we judge their entire worth on.

The NBA has a credentialed media problem

This puts the credentialed media squarely in the crosshairs of the NFL. In fact, I would go as far to say that the NFL has a credentialed media problem... Epidemic of their credentialed media people violating the law.

There is a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia

There's a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia... you want a coach who could pull out his penis at any given time, but actually doesn't pull out his penis at any given time. But you want that edge.

The ACC is soft

The ACC is dead... The ACC is soft. Sucks, and they're soft.

The Big Ten is back

The Big Ten is back.

Duke's loss proves you need to play like a team, not just have talent

This actually is a point for people against all the Sabermetrics nerds who say you just need the talent. If you watch Duke all year, they never really played like a team... they had obviously the highest ceiling because they had the most talent, but you've got to play like a team.

I believe everything LeVar Ball says; Lonzo Ball is awesome

I now am believing everything that LeVar Ball says because Lonzo Ball was unbelievable against Cincinnati... He is awesome. And so billion-dollar contract, shoe contract, yep, sign him up.

Gonzaga wins the Northwestern game regardless of the bad goaltending call

I think Gonzaga wins that game no matter what... [The call] changed the game. Did it change the outcome? Probably not. I mean, they were still going to be down three, but it changed the game.

Tom Crean shouldn't have been fired by Indiana

I feel bad for Tom. I like him. I like his family... But, you know, you put yourself in a position, man, they're going to fire you, so he'll be fine, but I didn't think he should have been fired.

Brad Underwood is a great hire for Illinois

That is a great hire, man. That dude is a ball coach. He's offense... I think he's a great hire. Absolutely great hire for Illinois.

Gonzaga is a team of destiny because they absorbed Northwestern's power

I do believe in teams of destiny absorbing the teams they beat and their destiny... So they took out Northwestern, which was a true team of destiny, and they absorbed all that destiny. They're double the destiny.

Vanderbilt's late-game foul against Northwestern was the dumbest move since Chris Webber's timeout

Northwestern advances on the dumbest foul since Chris Webber. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Dumbest move since Chris Webber called the timeout in the national championship game. Boneheaded, just complete brain fart. What happened, I'm sure you all saw, but Vanderbilt was up one and Matthew Fisher Davis decided to foul with 10 seconds left. 45 feet past half court from Northwestern's basket and they end up losing by one. Unbelievable move.

I'm officially done with people laughing at Bill Murray just for being Bill Murray

I don't hate Bill Murray at all. I hate what Bill Murray has become. I was a year ahead of the curve on this. So last year when I said this, you guys were like, what's going on? Bill Murray's the best. And now I think people are starting to realize that just because Bill Murray shows up at your bar mitzvah drunk doesn't mean he's pulling off some great comedic stuff. I'm just done with people laughing at Bill Murray for being Bill Murray.

Tom Crean is a good coach, but his 'stupid face' makes it impossible to survive a bad season

I'm going to miss Tom Crean. I said it before he was getting fired. Unfortunately, what happened to Tom Crean, I don't think he's that bad of a coach. He's a pretty good recruiter. But if you have a bad season and you have a stupid fucking face, it's impossible to overcome that.

LeVar Ball's plan is just to get a billion dollar contract for himself using his kids

He's reached the point where everything that he says is picked up by every media source possible. So he knows that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's going to be distributed nationwide and that's kind of his plan right? He wants to develop the brand he wants to have a high profile so his kids can get a billion or sorry so that he can get a billion dollar contract. And then his kids will get a little taste of that.

Tommy Lasorda is mentally sharp but his physical stature is overrated

Tommy's fine. He's upright. He's around. He's mentally very spry. Physically, he's not at the top of his game, but mentally he is... Overrated. He's sharp. You know when you get older and they have that row of 20 lines that they can go to in any situation, you can't beat them at anything? He's at that stage.

Jim Harbaugh's enthusiasm for his own colonoscopy makes him a 'basic bitch'

Jim Harbaugh, who yesterday tweeted, 'attacking this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind before my 1:30 p.m. colonoscopy.' I also like it because he's kind of a basic bitch. He has like a black and white picture of him smiling in the middle of a street in Ann Arbor. Like, 'hey, I'm about to go get my butthole fingered.'

Rugby is the sport of the future

I was at the rugby tournament. That is the sport of the future. It solidified it. Shout out another semifinals for the U.S. national team.

Jim Harbaugh's parents rooted for John in the Super Bowl because Jim would be unbearable with a ring

I bet you his parents were rooting for John to win that Super Bowl. Because Jim Harbaugh with a Super Bowl ring over John would be unbearable at any family gathering from that point on. He would wear it every Thanksgiving.

The Somali Pirates are a dynasty

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back. Is it fair to say the Somali Pirates are a dynasty now?

Wisconsin being an 8-seed is the worst injustice in college basketball history

This is the worst season of the tournament of my lifetime. This is the worst injustice in college basketball history. Wisconsin swept Minnesota. They finished second in the Big Ten in the regular season, and then they were the runner-ups in the Big Ten tournament. And then Minnesota gets a 5 seed, and Wisconsin got an 8 seed. I don't understand it.

Baylor is the biggest fraud team in the tournament

SMU... I pick them for two reasons. One, I just like them... And two, I think Baylor's the biggest fraud team in the tournament.

Duke isn't a good team, they just have good players

Duke is back to being back. But we're conveniently ignoring that Duke was down 15 in all these ACC tournament games... Duke is not a good team. They have good players, but they're not actually a good team. And SMU is a good team. So it wouldn't surprise me to see SMU win.

Gonzaga is the best team in the country

I actually like Gonzaga. I think Gonzaga's the best team in the country, and I know that's absolutely insane to say. I don't expect them to win at all, but I do think they're the best team and the most complete team.

Wisconsin got screwed by the NCAA Tournament selection committee with an 8-seed

I am biased, but Wisconsin got fucked... they're an eight seed which I'm fine with because they haven't played well but Minnesota is a five seed and Wisconsin beat Minnesota two times this year.

Stop talking about a Chicago Cubs dynasty; they've only won one World Series

Stop with this dynasty talk. Okay? The dynasty is happening. The dynasty is on. Red Sox fans became insufferable, and now it's the Cub fans... Just get in the tournament, win a game, and get back to me. You've never been in the tournament [Northwestern]. Do something.

Broadcasters should never bet on games they are announcing

I really gave up betting on games that I'm announcing... I would not recommend that any analyst or play-by-play guy do a game [they bet on] simply because it influences how you view the game and the athletes that are involved.

The best betting strategy for March Madness is to always take the underdogs

Underdogs, underdogs, underdogs. [They're always barking.]

Russell Wilson acts like a seventh grader who is in love for the first time

This is the behavior of a seventh grader who's in love for the first time... I just don't understand why you have to tell the world constantly that you love your wife.

There is no point to checking out of a hotel; it's a vestige of the past

Explain to me what the reason of checking out of a hotel is... Today I walked down the lobby and there was a line all the way out the door of people waiting to check out. What is the point? They're nerds... Clocks are a vestige of the past. I tell my own time.

Both the Texans and the Browns won the Brock Osweiler trade, even though neither team got better

It's a rare trade where both teams I think both teams won this trade right but neither team got better right? It is a factual statement to say that the Browns, the Cleveland Browns, made a good trade that involved taking on Brock Osweiler in his contract which it sounds like they're going to cut him so it's just the contract but... both teams won.

I don't hate the Chicago Bears' three-year, $43 million contract for Mike Glennon

I don't want to say I predicted it, but I basically predicted it the whole way down to Ryan Pace seemingly negotiating against himself... Everyone flips out... i saw it was like 19 million guaranteed so it's probably a two-year contract they can probably let him go... so i don't really hate it and this is how this is step one of me talking myself into Mike Glennon.

Bill Belichick intentionally shifts the Patriots' one weakness every year so other teams can't catch up

I have a theory now that Belichick just makes sure he shifts what the Patriots' one weakness is every year so no team can catch up. You don't get the bulk on him.

Magic Johnson was the absolutely right hire to lead the Lakers' front office

Absolutely. We love Magic... Everything Magic does is fit. You know, Magic is, you know, he's one of those rare beacons of hope. I mean, look, come on. They told Magic he was going to die, and now look at him. He's just like, Magic is perfect.

Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world

Think of it as a solar. Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world. Are you kidding? It is so sunny out there. More solar energy hits the Earth every day... Every day. Don't whine. Don't complain. I'm choosing solar power.

Larry Bird is the greatest player I ever played with

Greatest player I ever played with... He made us all play better... Larry never got tired of just torching other people, and he's incredibly driven. He's a brilliant guy. He loves to portray himself as the hick from French Lick. Don't ever buy into that. This guy is so sharp, and so smart, and so pure.

James Harden's MVP argument is just that he isn't as terrible at defense as he used to be

Basically James Harden's whole argument is he's not as shitty at defense as he used to be. He tries a little bit on defense. Was he slow playing us this entire time? Like sitting and bagging us on defense and just waiting for a season to give half of a shit?