Takes

The fact that pace of play is only an issue in baseball and golf proves they are the most boring sports

The fact that pace of play is only baseball and golf, like the two most boring sports to watch, tells you a lot about what – like that right there, you should be like, you know what? Let's go speed golf. Because if we're talking about pace of play, it probably means people are taking naps during our games.

You shouldn't be allowed to take three and a half minutes for a putt and then miss it

I'm pretty sure that you're not allowed to take three and a half minutes to line up a putt from eight feet and then miss the putt. If you make the putt, I think people overlook it. But if you miss that putt, then we're going to have an issue.

You shouldn't be allowed to dress in tribute to Payne Stewart and then play slow as fuck like Bryson DeChambeau

You can't dress in tribute to Payne Stewart and then act like this Bryson. Payne Stewart would complete a round of golf faster right now than Bryson DeChambeau.

Regional Little League World Series games are more exciting than the actual World Series in Williamsport

I don't know if this is a hot take or not, but the regional part of it before the actual Little League World Series is almost more exciting because... the America versus America, like Kentucky, Iowa versus Minnesota, those games are electric.

The Derek Carr media hype machine is funny because we know he isn't a superstar

The Derek Carr media hype machine that's trying to get behind a guy who we really know who he is, and that's not a terrible quarterback, but he's not a superstar quarterback, is very, very funny to me. Because they're basically trying to wheel themselves into Derek Carr as our starter.

Spontaneity and the feeling that anything can happen at any time is lost in today's wrestling product

When you used to watch, you know, back in the Attitude Era... it was a sense of urgency. You felt like anything could happen at any one time. And to me, it's just maybe, I'm not picking on today's product, but I'm just saying the spontaneity is lost. Like that feeling that anything could happen is lost.

If I could go back to WrestleMania 17, I would have hit Vince McMahon with a stunner and maintained my babyface run

If I could call the Audible now, I would have just told him, hey, man, I ain't feeling it... if I could go back, I just said, hey, man, I'm calling an audible, watch the stunner. And then stunned [Vince's] ass and would have maintained my baby face run.

Auburn should have just called the new logo a logo change to sell more merchandise to SEC fans

What they should do is just lean into it and then get all new sales from the new logo. Because if I know something about SEC football, if you slightly tweak the logo, everyone will buy new stuff. They'll buy new stuff before they pay their mortgage, before they get food on the table for their kids. They've got to have the freshest new Auburn logo for the fall.

The Jeffrey Epstein decoy body conspiracy is my preferred theory

I'm going to defer all my conspiracy theories to the band Foster the People... they tweeted out that it's not his body. It's a decoy body. So he's alive probably on a private jet somewhere, and they killed somebody else that looked kind of like him.

Matthew Stafford basically has no backup because he never goes out of games

As far as I'm concerned, Matt Stafford just never has a backup quarterback. Maybe Dan Orlovsky. But he never goes out. No, even when Matt Stafford has an elbow injury, he'll limp off the field. He just registers pain as being like, oh, I can't walk.

Combining Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith would only equal a quarter of Russell Wilson's talent

If you combined Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith's powers, they would be like one quarter of Russell Wilson.

The sound of creasing paper is the worst sound in the world

This is a personal one, but the sound of folding paper, like a crease in folding paper... it's the worst sound in the world.

The Monday Night Football outro is one of the worst sounds in sports

Thank you for watching this presentation of the National Football League on a Monday night. That sucks... you just came off a whole Sunday of football, and then that hits, and you're like, well, no more football for another fucking three days.

The NCAA rule banning 'Horns Down' celebrations is soft

I think it's very soft. They're implementing a rule about it. Yeah. It shows the sensitivity of today's day and age.

Peter King should have his driver's license revoked

It's time to start asking, should Peter King have a license? He should have his license revoked. I agree with that. He is a menace. He's a threat.

Derek Carr is incredibly awkward on Hard Knocks and acts like a robot impersonating a quarterback

Hard Knocks is back. Derek Carr is awkward as fuck... He was like a robot trying to impersonate a quarterback... It's very clear that the message the Raiders are trying to send is Derek Carr is our quarterback.

The 'I'm a dad now' excuse for behavior expires once your child turns one year old

When do you get to stop using 'I'm a dad'? [LeBron] still does. 'I'm a dad now.' I think you can't use it after your kid's like one. 'I'm a dad now' is different than 'I'm a dad.'

Antonio Brown used his kids on Hard Knocks to rehabilitate his public image

Antonio Brown, I forgot about this part. Starting the entire Hard Knocks episode, basically trying to erase the fact that he went crazy for three months and every teammate of his in Pittsburgh hated him by showing us how cute his kids are. They're very cute. And you know what? It worked. It absolutely worked.

Rich Paul is a great disruptor for challenging the NCAA establishment

The NCAA has created a new rule... any agent that wants to talk to a player... has to have a bachelor's degree. Rich Paul does not... As much as it pains me to say this, I love it. Because I love people who make the establishment super nervous. The NCAA has been just milking everyone forever. Having a disruptor in there... is great for everyone because NCAA will have to change if Rich Paul keeps disrupting.

Kobe Bryant being ranked 13th for the 2010s decade is fair

There was the all-decades list for the 2010s and Kobe was 13 on it, which I honestly think is like fair... If you're looking at the whole decade, his body of work over the 2010s is not like [first team].

The NFL 100 logo is terrible and looks like it belongs to an expansion league

My hot seat is the NFL 100 logo. I'm already sick of it... It's not that cool of a logo to begin with, but they've put it everywhere so far this year... It looks a little bit like an Expansion League football logo... like the AAF logo if it was designed by somebody with a head wound.

Provolone is the best and most versatile sandwich cheese

I'm going to go with provolone. I love a good provolone on like a turkey sandwich. I think it's the best sandwich cheese. It's the most versatile sandwich cheese. It's not a great cheese on its own, but it's a great [sandwich topper].

Melted cheese is the ultimate cheese hack for any food

Any type of cheese, if you melt it on top of something, makes it instantly better. I will go with melted. Just melted.

You must always order two bagels: one to eat immediately and one for an hour later

You order one bagel to eat right away, and then the other is like an hour later. You have to. You have to. That's how you get to 'deuce hogs.'

Nacho cheese is better the more unrealistic and neon it looks

I'm going to go with nacho cheese... I love it the more unrealistic the cheese is. Like the more yellow, the like neon yellow color you get with stadium nachos. Love that shit... like the radioactive goo.

The Ticonderoga Number 2 is the standard for coaching pencils

We're definitely a Ticonderoga number two. That's our standard right now. Never deviate from that... It's really just a good writing utensil.

10-degree weather is still shorts weather as long as there is no wind

The cold isn't really it. It's the wind. Cold doesn't bother me so much. The wind is bad. [At 10 degrees but no wind], I think we're good [to wear shorts].

MLB's black and white jerseys are heinous but a genius marketing move

Way to stay relevant baseball. It's Players Weekend, and they have the new jerseys... This year... Straight black and white. I actually think this is a genius move by baseball. They're heinous, the jerseys. But genius move to get everyone to talk about them.

NBA players only hit every shot in New York City because the rims are too big

I don't know what it is about that court where every NBA player goes and plays in New York City. I think those rims might be too big because everyone hits every shot. Very soft rims.

Tony Gonzalez had the worst possible timing for a tight end because Rob Gronkowski came right after him

Tony Gonzalez... He has the ultimate unfortunate timing for a tight end because he was the greatest tight end of all time. And then [Gronk] came along and the tight end position is completely changed where tight ends are basically wide receivers now... doesn't it feel like if we, you know, in 2011, it was a no-brainer Tony Gonzalez's best tight end of all time to have someone come in right at the tail end of his career and be better than him? That's got to suck.

I would rather have a Super Bowl ring than be in the Hall of Fame

Watching the Hall of Fame induction made me, for a brief moment, think that Cris Carter, when he said he'd rather be in the Hall of Fame than have a Super Bowl ring, might have been on to something, and then as soon as the season starts, I'm like, nah, Super Bowl.

Colt McCoy is a less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick

Colt McCoy is back. He's like the less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick. He pops up every couple years, has a good game. He's like Ryan Fitzpatrick if he was cleaned up for a job interview or something like that.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

I honestly think I could fly a plane in an emergency based on flight simulators and 'Top Gun'

I honestly think I could fly an airplane... if the pilot becomes incapacitated during the flight. I'm going to raise my hand and be like, I have flown numerous flight simulators. I played the Top Gun video game. I've seen Top Gun like 10 times. I think I could get the plane close to landing.

The NFL catch rule is getting more confusing and I will never understand it

Still don't understand what a catch in the NFL is. I feel like it's getting more confusing, not less confusing. And, yeah, someday I think we'll get it... if Zach Miller can break a leg in the Saints end zone and [his] broken leg lay on the ground for three seconds and still not have it be a catch, I will never understand a catch.

Carmelo Anthony was cut by the Rockets because he simply wasn't good at basketball anymore

I think the money he was being paid to play basketball [was why he was cut]. To be shitty at basketball. Yeah... it's not a basketball reason if you can't play basketball anymore.

Restaurants should replace gumball machines with 'Tumball' machines filled with Tums

An idea that's just, instead of a gumball machine, just out in restaurants, have it just be filled with Tums... I would take one every single time, even if I didn't have heartburn, just like knowing you might get it later... Call it a Tumball machine.

Training camp is a rebirth akin to New Year's or the birth of Christ

There's people that think of January 1st as being the start of the new year. People that espoused Christianity, Catholicism, talk about the birth of Christ. We talk about training camp. I love it... That's the rebirth. That's coming out of the womb... Now you're in the real world. Boom. Out into the light. Out into the chaos.

Michigan's season is defined by the outcome of the Ohio State game

The last game for us defines the season... There's also 11 important games in front of that that dictate and define whether you win the Big Ten championship and whether you go to the playoffs, and then the last game defines the entire season.

SpongeBob SquarePants is one of my heroes because of his work ethic and enthusiasm

I love SpongeBob... Just the way [he] attacks with enthusiasm unknown to mankind at all times. He's always happy. Always positive. He's energetic... I mean, some of the times where he's flipping the burgers, like he's got four or five or six arms. He loves work. Takes pride in his job. What's there not to love about SpongeBob?

Players who sit out bowl games are damaging their legacy and their status as a competitor

I think it hurts their actual—their legacy too. Just what they're about. You know, a competitor is going to compete... Everybody talks about it. They're a competitor... But then they actually don't go play in a football game. You know, that's, to me, that's a problem. You have a problem now with who you are as a competitor and your legacy.

Questioning a man's toughness is the worst thing you can do, second only to animal abuse

Questioning their toughness? It's right up there at the top. I think there's probably worse things. You know, you could accuse somebody of beating their dog or something like that. Toughness... that you cross the line, in my opinion.

I'm always going to bet on Matt Schaub in the Hall of Fame game

In the Hall of Fame game, I'm always, always going to bet on Matt Schaub. Hey, Trey [Wingo], lock it up.

The Yankees are only trying to win softball games by not acquiring pitching

I love that the Yankees just are saying, fuck it. We're going to try to win softball games for the fourth year in a row. And didn't do anything. Didn't get a pitcher.

The Cleveland Indians' lineup is lethal after the Yasiel Puig trade

No, their [Indians] lineup is lethal. Them versus the Astros would be, like, the perfect playoff matchup.

The Brooklyn Nets officially own Brooklyn over the Knicks

[Big Cat]: Do the Nets own New York? [Joe Harris]: I wouldn't go that far. [Big Cat]: Do you guys own Brooklyn? [Joe Harris]: We definitely own Brooklyn. Hopefully. I don't want to impose on the old Brooklyn Dodgers fans.

The NBA mid-season tournament is a bad idea because top teams won't care

I don't know. I mean, it seems like it would be – it's a good idea maybe on paper, but... everybody's gonna throw a fit like if you have a tournament like game 50 in the season. I don't know like what are the premier teams thinking about like playing in this tournament that's like sort of meaningless when you have the playoffs on the horizon.

Tony Bennett is the best coach in college basketball

He's the best coach in the ACC? Oh, yes. He's the best coach in college basketball. Better than Coach K? Yeah.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

The Lakers should get an extra roster spot specifically for Carmelo Anthony

How about the Lakers get an extra roster spot this year just for Carmelo? They can't use it on anyone else. Just Carmelo so that we can have the fun of watching Carmelo try to play with the Lakers.