Jim Harbaugh, Training Camp Week, And The Mt Rushmore Of Things We Don't Understand

NBA players only hit every shot in New York City because the rims are too big

I don't know what it is about that court where every NBA player goes and plays in New York City. I think those rims might be too big because everyone hits every shot. Very soft rims.

Tony Gonzalez had the worst possible timing for a tight end because Rob Gronkowski came right after him

Tony Gonzalez... He has the ultimate unfortunate timing for a tight end because he was the greatest tight end of all time. And then [Gronk] came along and the tight end position is completely changed where tight ends are basically wide receivers now... doesn't it feel like if we, you know, in 2011, it was a no-brainer Tony Gonzalez's best tight end of all time to have someone come in right at the tail end of his career and be better than him? That's got to suck.

I would rather have a Super Bowl ring than be in the Hall of Fame

Watching the Hall of Fame induction made me, for a brief moment, think that Chris Carter, when he said he'd rather be in the Hall of Fame than have a Super Bowl ring, might have been on to something, and then as soon as the season starts, I'm like, nah, Super Bowl.

The Red Sox season is over because they have no pitching

I'm putting the Dunchain on the Red Sox... I mean, it's about time. They got no pitching.

Peyton Manning had visible muscle atrophy in his arm during our 2012 Duke workout

The only real thing I did was... we were just talking about some of the atrophy he had. Like his right arm was not as big as his left, some of the musculature areas... I haven't had a minute of medical training in my life so I was just [asking] what's the explanation and the nerves and how they were regenerating.

Michigan's season is defined by the outcome of the Ohio State game

The last game for us defines the season... There's also 11 important games in front of that that dictate and define whether you win the Big Ten championship and whether you go to the playoffs, and then the last game defines the entire season.

I use Microsoft Excel for everything, including writing poems and drawing pictures

I do everything in Excel. Everything in Excel. I draw pictures in Excel. Excel is the first thing I learned, and I've stayed with it. I'm a disciple of Excel... You can format the cell and do three to four lines or six. They can overlap. It's a very versatile piece of software.

Players who sit out bowl games are damaging their legacy and their status as a competitor

I think it hurts their actual—their legacy too. Just what they're about. You know, a competitor is going to compete... Everybody talks about it. They're a competitor... But then they actually don't go play in a football game. You know, that's, to me, that's a problem. You have a problem now with who you are as a competitor and your legacy.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

Antonio Brown's foot injury is likely serious because the reports say it isn't

Every report about Antonio Brown's feet says, couches it with, they don't think it's going to be serious. That means it's probably going to be serious.

Drake is not a talented rapper and has 'low T'

I don't get why Drake is pop. I don't really like his music... I don't think he's a talented rapper. They're all slow. He's low T. Drake is very low T... He does the thing where he rhymes the same word with the same word a lot. He's kind of slow. He mumbles. He's got low T. Actually, he's kind of like me.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people? I wouldn't be surprised. Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand... That's exactly what somebody that didn't have to pee would say. It's called an old red herring. He doesn't piss ever. He's the witch, dude.

Carmelo Anthony was cut by the Rockets because he simply wasn't good at basketball anymore

I think the money he was being paid to play basketball [was why he was cut]. To be shitty at basketball. Yeah... it's not a basketball reason if you can't play basketball anymore.

Restaurants should replace gumball machines with 'Tumball' machines filled with Tums

An idea that's just, instead of a gumball machine, just out in restaurants, have it just be filled with Tums... I would take one every single time, even if I didn't have heartburn, just like knowing you might get it later... Call it a Tumball machine.