Colt McCoy is a less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick

Colt McCoy is back. He's like the less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick. He pops up every couple years, has a good game. He's like Ryan Fitzpatrick if he was cleaned up for a job interview or something like that.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

I honestly think I could fly a plane in an emergency based on flight simulators and 'Top Gun'

I honestly think I could fly an airplane... if the pilot becomes incapacitated during the flight. I'm going to raise my hand and be like, I have flown numerous flight simulators. I played the Top Gun video game. I've seen Top Gun like 10 times. I think I could get the plane close to landing.

Drake is not a talented rapper and has 'low T'

I don't get why Drake is pop. I don't really like his music... I don't think he's a talented rapper. They're all slow. He's low T. Drake is very low T... He does the thing where he rhymes the same word with the same word a lot. He's kind of slow. He mumbles. He's got low T. Actually, he's kind of like me.

Kombucha is likely a prank started on the West Coast to see if the rest of the country would fall for it

I'm convinced there's a list of things that just start on the West Coast as pranks to see if everyone else will do it. And [Kombucha] is one of them. They're like, we'll just start saying kombucha's good and watch these fucking idiots in the rest of the country. We'll just pay way too much for this shitty tea.

Training camp is a rebirth akin to New Year's or the birth of Christ

There's people that think of January 1st as being the start of the new year. People that espoused Christianity, Catholicism, talk about the birth of Christ. We talk about training camp. I love it... That's the rebirth. That's coming out of the womb... Now you're in the real world. Boom. Out into the light. Out into the chaos.

I use Microsoft Excel for everything, including writing poems and drawing pictures

I do everything in Excel. Everything in Excel. I draw pictures in Excel. Excel is the first thing I learned, and I've stayed with it. I'm a disciple of Excel... You can format the cell and do three to four lines or six. They can overlap. It's a very versatile piece of software.

SpongeBob SquarePants is one of my heroes because of his work ethic and enthusiasm

I love SpongeBob... Just the way [he] attacks with enthusiasm unknown to mankind at all times. He's always happy. Always positive. He's energetic... I mean, some of the times where he's flipping the burgers, like he's got four or five or six arms. He loves work. Takes pride in his job. What's there not to love about SpongeBob?

Players who sit out bowl games are damaging their legacy and their status as a competitor

I think it hurts their actual—their legacy too. Just what they're about. You know, a competitor is going to compete... Everybody talks about it. They're a competitor... But then they actually don't go play in a football game. You know, that's, to me, that's a problem. You have a problem now with who you are as a competitor and your legacy.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people?... Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand. And that's why he does the whole like, oh, I have to pee every 10 minutes to make himself seem un-witch-like.

Carmelo Anthony was cut by the Rockets because he simply wasn't good at basketball anymore

I think the money he was being paid to play basketball [was why he was cut]. To be shitty at basketball. Yeah... it's not a basketball reason if you can't play basketball anymore.