Takes

There should be a 'TopGolf' but for football

TopGolf. But for other sports... There should be TopGolf but for football. You're the quarterback... imagine you have a football, and then in front of you is this big field, and there are people that are running routes, and you can hit the receivers with passes... They keep score of every ball that you throw.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

We should fix the ozone layer by spraying ozone from a giant aerosol can in space like Flex Seal

just put ozone in an aerosol can and spray it up into the sky. I'm pretty sure I solved that. And no one's done it. Like, why not? ... We'll put someone up in a fucking spaceship with a huge aerosol can, and they just spray it on, like Flex Seal for the ozone.

Jehovah's Witnesses should carry pizzas to get people to open their doors.

If they just had a pizza in their hand you always open the door if somebody is holding a pizza. Why don't the Jehovah's Witnesses instead of holding that the little pamphlet ... just have a pizza box that says watch tower on it and the open it up. You have a pizza boom conversations there.

Green Bay should move the Packers franchise if they need gimmicks to get fans loud

It's a sad, sad day when the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder. [...] If you have to ask the Green Bay fans to be louder, maybe just move the whole franchise.

Restaurants should replace gumball machines with 'Tumball' machines filled with Tums

An idea that's just, instead of a gumball machine, just out in restaurants, have it just be filled with Tums... I would take one every single time, even if I didn't have heartburn, just like knowing you might get it later... Call it a Tumball machine.

Workers who cross picket lines as scabs should form their own union

I had this idea on Saturday to make a union of scabs. So scabs should unionize... scabs are the guys that come in and they take [picket-liners'] jobs and they'll go ahead and they'll work for lower pay... But the scabs themselves should unionize. It's like they should get together and demand better treatment.

NyQuil Listerine is a million-dollar product idea

NyQuil Listerine. Both of these things, they look the same. Basically the same packaging. Combine them into one... You have your Dayquil Listerine for the morning and the Nightquil Listerine for night.

I want to start selling drugs in France because they have a culture of smoking and long lunches

I just want to start selling drugs in France. That's my idea. I think that there's a lot of money to be made. Like I said, they're all smokers over there. They take like five-hour lunches. So if you give... give them a little joint, they get hungry again. They're not going to go anywhere. They stay at the restaurant. Plus, in French, their word for 80 literally means 420. So I think they're sending a signal.

We need more 'dog art' because it appeals to both dumb and high-level brains

My drunk idea is... dog art. We need more dog art. Art with dogs in it. Everyone would buy that. It's the art that dumb brains can buy and high-level brains can buy, so I think we need to corner the market on dog art. Dogs doing everything. Let's take all the classic works of art and instead put dogs in them. Mona Lisa, but it's a German Shepherd.

Half-Baked Idea: A traffic app that gives you directions in the local city's accent

When you go to a city, a traffic app that gives you directions in that city's accent... you go to Chicago and you get a little bit of, 'you go left on the Dan Ryan Expressway.'

There should be a reality show called 'Racism Island' for people fired for racism like Roseanne Barr

Everyone who loses a job for being racist, like Roseanne Barr... should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... and then you take all the money that the show generates, and then you donate it to make a scholarship fund for minorities.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

There should be a Tinder-style app specifically for finding people to fistfight

It's Tinder, but for people that want to get into fistfights... I just want to have a gentlemanly... I just want to punch somebody and get punched... find somebody who is my approximate height and weight, so it would be a nice fair fight.

There should be a 'Hammered' gym where you build bars while drinking beer

What about a gym called Hammered and it's like kind of one of those obscure like CrossFit type of gyms where it's just all you do is hammer things in for your workout while you drink beer... build a bar so that you can drink at it.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

McGregor will pay goons to bet on Mayweather so he can lose the fight and still get paid

I think that McGregor is sending out a bunch of his goons to every single casino, putting money on Floyd Mayweather to win in the first round, and then he's going to come out and just shoot him, take him down, do like a double leg, beat the shit out of him, and then lose the fight, but he still gets paid like a few million dollars for winning.

I want to name my son 'Winner'

I want to name my son, my eventual son, Winner. Okay this is along the same lines of naming him coach. It's an alpha name... who's gonna be like no I don't want to have winner on my team.

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].

We should have portable gyms in trucks so people can work out during their commute

We need to have portable gyms. So instead of your commute, you get in the back of a truck and you work out while you're commuting to your job. No one likes to commute. No one likes to go to the gym. Get them both out of the way at once.

Paying recruits in Bitcoin is 'theoretically legal' because the money isn't tangible

We just pay recruits in Bitcoin. Untraceable... Is there an NCAA law that you cannot pay your recruits in Bitcoin?... Bitcoin isn't tangible. It's theoretical. So, theoretically, we didn't do anything wrong... Global Worldwide Solutions Synergy Corporation. Theoretically legal. That's our tagline.

My book 'How to Win a Fist Fight' would just be a hollowed-out book with a knife inside

We are going to sell a book called How to Win a Fist Fight, and it's just inside the book. It's carved out, and it's just a knife... Step one, take this knife out. Step two, stab the guy in the face. Step three, you won your fist fight.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.

Tom Crean's face is the most marketable asset in sports business

Tom Crean has a face that you cannot look away from. You'll never forget it either. If you are walking down the grocery aisle and you see Tom Crean's stupid fucking face, you're buying that product. Tom Crean should actually... we could sell anything with Tom Crean's face on it.