Game 6 of the 1998 NBA Finals will forever be the most-watched NBA game of all time

That game six of the 98 finals with the shot and MJ finishing his career with the Bulls, that will forever be the most watched NBA game of all time. 35.89 million people were watching that game concurrently... It's going to keep getting more and more fractured. That will be the most watched NBA game of all time.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

I already talked about the push-off — let's talk about a woman or the Keystone pipeline

No, I done said all of that already. Let's talk about something else. What are you going to talk about? A woman or the Keystone pipeline. What do y'all think about that?

What's the shades on inside for? I can't say what that makes me think

What's the shades on inside for? It make me think, you know what it make me think. I can't say what it make me think.

The US Postal Service should not deliver mail on Sundays; let the workers be with their families

why in the hell do the U.S. Postal Service deliver on Sunday anyway. Last time I checked, they broke as hell. So if anybody out there wants to know, I'm sending this to the U.S. Post Service. Please, our dear government, let the workers spend time with their family on Sunday... The U.S. Postal Service should not be delivered on Sunday anyway.

You guys are too uptight for me — you need to relax

You might need to relax a little bit. You guys are too uptight for me.

The NBA would have been forced to change the rules if Shaq or Charles Barkley had taken weight lifting seriously

Can you imagine if Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal would have took weight training serious? With Shaquille, they would have changed the rules. He was already – you know, you're talking about country strong? Him. But Charles Barkley, for what he could do, can you imagine if he would have took weight training serious? I don't ever – I could be wrong. I don't think Charles left a weight in his life.

If an NBA player needs to rest for 'load management', they should do it at home, not on the road

let's make a rule right now... if you're going to rest, rest at home in front of your season ticket holder... The emphasis have to be or should be back on the fans and less of the athlete because we're going to do what we do.

I have an African gray parrot named Lisa and she was about to start talking during this interview

I have an African gray named Lisa. And if you're not careful with, she's going to say something. My son, KJ, just moved her over there because she's about to start talking.

Coach Sloan's pick-and-roll instruction: 'slap dicks'

As my Coach Sloan would say, get some fucking meat on the guy, would you? Slap dicks. That's what Coach Sloan used to say.

The Dream Team was so good we had to write down the names of the people whose asses we kicked so we didn't kick the same ass twice

we realized not being arrogant or cocky was we got 12 other baddest son of a bitch on the planet playing this game, but we happen to be teammates. We're here to kick ass, take names, and the asses that we kick, we wrote a name down so we didn't kick that same ass twice.

Competitive fire is like that old pimple on your ass that you can't get

You know that old pimple on your ass that you can't get but it's just right under the surface? That's our fuse bird. We're just right there.

Chris Webber, Derek Coleman, and Charles Barkley were all more talented than me, but I outworked them

I'm going to tell you three guys that have more talent than Karl Malone. Chris Webber, Derek Coleman, Charles Barkley. More talent. More talent. But they did not outwork me. I will never use the word he was better than me. More talented is different, right? I look and say, I can't do his position and he can't do mine... More talent? Yes. Worked harder? No.

I'm a blue-blooded American — I don't have to do a documentary if I don't want to

Because I'm a blue-blooded American, and I say I don't want to do it, David, I don't have to do it.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

I would run a Mike Leach air raid offense and feed the quarterback his reads before the play so he doesn't have to think

I would definitely run an insane air attack offense. You know, more of like Mike Leach air raid... where, you know, you get a guy with a strong arm and just really make it basic for him to go through his reads and maybe even feed him his read before the play's even called so he doesn't have to think.

Josh Allen has a rocket arm but he doesn't have the 'rocket science' brain to grasp complex offenses

Let's take a guy with a super strong arm, very athletic, but might not, all the intangibles, but might not, you can't really measure what's in the brain as of yet. Josh Allen. Careful. Billy. He has a very high IQ. Careful, my friend. You can have a rocket arm, but you might have a rocket arm, but you might not have rocket science. If you want to fly a rocket, you have to be smart.

Swag Kelly would have three Super Bowls by now if he had a coach talking in his headset 24/7

Swag Kelly, essentially. Like, if you put Peyton Manning's brain into Swag Kelly's body. I mean, we should have Swag Kelly to have someone talking in his brain 24-7 because he would probably have three Super Bowls right now. Just be like... Don't go into the house, Swag Kelly. Don't go into the house. Don't go back to the bar with an AK-47. Just don't.