Takes

I will make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday as President

I'm opening my candidacy for president... Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

LeBron James' dunking in layup lines is hurting his son's team by risking technical fouls

We just kind of thought it was a little awkward that he was dunking in a layup line and that technically is a technical foul if we want to go by the letter of the rules so he's hurting his son's team by assessing a technical foul before the game even starts.

The Cowboys don't need a rushing champion like Ezekiel Elliott to win a Super Bowl

Jerry Jones said, you don't have to have a rushing champion to win a Super Bowl. Everyone on the internet dunked on Jerry Jones... but I'm here to defend Jerry Jones. He's right. You do not need a rushing champion to win a Super Bowl in today's NFL.

The Cowboys should not pay Ezekiel Elliott an insane amount of money

I think they should hold firm because as it stands right now, Ezekiel Elliott has one year left on his deal... If you basically pay him so much money that other parts of your team can't be paid and the line can't be paid both defensive and offensive, then you're just hurting yourself in the future.

Having Ryan Fitzpatrick as your quarterback is a bad strategy if you are trying to tank

If you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback... Ryan Fitzpatrick is always good for a few wins out of nowhere. So if you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback. But Brian Flores is going for it.

The Mets' strategy of having no plan is the perfect plan for the franchise

I love when the Mets have no plan, but pretend they have a plan because that's what you can rely on. So when you look at it from afar, their plan's working perfectly. Their no plan plan is a perfect plan for the Mets.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

The Muscovy duck is the best farm animal because it is quiet and tasty

the muscovy duck... just an interesting looking creature... quackless... any animal you can get that's quiet is a good thing... they're tasty too. A lot of reasons. They eat mice. They're mean.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

Professional wrestlers must make their promos personal and truthful to be successful

everyone that I've seen cut a really amazing promo, they have truth in it... they either really don't like the other person... they make it personal. That is how I've done some of my best. And anyone I've seen that I've enjoyed, I know that it was personal.

Dancing with the Stars is the hardest thing I've ever done, even more difficult than professional wrestling

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Harder than wrestling? Yes. No. Yep... they were trying to like retrain my muscles, which my muscles were like, no... learning, you think 90 seconds or a minute... is like not a lot. It is so many steps. Then you're on live TV. Then you know, you're going to be judged.

Brooks Koepka is the greatest golfer of all time this year

[Brooks Koepka] is the greatest golfer of all time this year. So I don't understand how it works, but I just know that this one triggered all the other finishes, and now he won it all.

I would pay Ezekiel Elliott before Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper

I get it with Ezekiel Elliott. This is the take I'm willing to squat on. I would pay Ezekiel Elliott first. I would pay him before Dak. I'd pay him before Amari.

LeBron James should have received a technical foul for dunking in his son's AAU layup line

LeBron got in the layup line... Literally in the layup line. It was like throwing down dunks. He should have got a technical foul. They scored. He ran on the court, was celebrating with the team. You're not allowed to dunk in the layup line. That is a technical foul.

LeBron James was taking time and attention away from the kids by dunking in the layup line

Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids. Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down.

The airline complainer at the gate is one of the most annoying types of people in an airport

I'm just going to go the complainer, the airline complainer at the gate who has decided that this travel, like whatever happened to them is the worst thing in the world. And it's not like every other travel minor inconvenience you've had. They yell, they scream, they berate people, they make a scene and they make it so much worse for everyone else.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who stand at the gate and clog the aisle long before their boarding group is called are the worst

The people that get up way too early, like, this flight is about to board. ... If you're in group five and they say, no, no. ... If you're in group five and you go and then stand and just wait at the gate, I hate you.

People who stand up immediately upon landing and clog the aisle are incredibly annoying

When you get up to leave a plane the second that it lands and you clog the fucking aisle and nobody can get out of their seats, there's a reason that there's an order to get out of the plane.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.

You should always clap when a plane lands safely

The pilot landed on the ground safely. You just traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air, and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you? ... Sometimes I ironically will just start a clap. Like I'll do one just to see if I can get it going.

Shitting in an airplane bathroom ruins the travel experience for everyone else on the plane

Person that shits in the airplane bathroom. Especially if you happen to be in that last room. ... It ruins the traveling experience for everybody.

TSA agents who ask too many investigative questions are unnecessarily stressful

The TSA guy who asked too many questions. The agent, when you have to give them your ID, you ever get the one where it's like, what's your name? Or where are you flying? And it's the easiest question, but you always blank. ... I don't know what it is about the TSA because they just, for some reason, they're not even cops. You're not even real cops.

I have no regrets about choosing to stay with the Clippers during the 2015 free agency period

I don't regret how [the 2015 free agency] played out or the decision that I made second [to stay with the Clippers]. I kind of just wish that it would have been faster. ... But I was happy with the decision I made going back to the Clippers.

Joel Embiid is the hardest player to guard in the post

I'll probably have to say a guy like Joel Embiid, man. He's a big guy. He can face up, back to the basket, super skilled, extremely strong. So a guy like that probably.

NFL running backs are in a terrible spot and need to get paid as much as possible while they can

If you're a running back, you're fucked. ... They're like holding out and you're like... Get paid while you can. Getting paid. Not for long. Getting a gimpy knee.

Trevor Bauer is a 'dumb smart person' whose antics are good for baseball

Trevor Bauer... he's a dumb, smart person. ... I think that he might be exactly what baseball needs. We always talk about baseball. We don't have a face of the game. Lean into marketing this dumbass. ... Baseball hasn't really had an asshole for a long time.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

Communicating with in-laws through mouse figurines would actually be a godsend for avoiding awkward conversations

You're actually lucky because guess what? You don't have to actually ever have a conversation with your in-laws. You just have to have a conversation with their figurine mice. That's a fucking godsend. You never have to be like, oh, when are you having kids? ... Just fucking talk to Timothy the mouse and you're good.

Kawhi Leonard and Steve Ballmer are a match made in heaven

The Kawhi Leonard robot mixed with Steve Ballmer's over-the-top insane, insane energy is a match made in heaven.

Overweight men should wear busy patterns to hide their chests

Listen, when you're overweight, you have a choice. And the choice is lose weight or wear designs and patterns that shield your man tits.

Matt Patricia looks like he has a bowling injury

It feels like a bowling injury. [Matt Patricia] strikes me as a guy that at one point dropped a bowling ball on his foot this offseason. Didn't want to make a big fuss out of it, but he's showing up in a cart.

Three-wheeled cars are unsafe and should be banned

Three wheelers scares the fuck out of me. Yeah. I don't like that. Get rid of that. I don't like that.

The best training camp tradition is players walking into dorms with basic household supplies

The old school, like the Bears still do it on a college campus, so you get guys like these 300-pound linemen walking in with toilet paper and fans. It's awesome. That's the best. That's training camp.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

If you go viral on early YouTube, you become a celebrity forever

See, that's the best part about the old YouTube is like if you got viral, you became a celebrity forever.

The UFC should get rid of Greg Hardy

[Greg Hardy] fucking sucks. Bro, I don't know why they give him a... It would be nice to just have him get his ass kicked, right? Cave the skull in. Why does Dana give him a chance? Get him out of there.

TikTok is mostly bizarre and weird

TikTok, maybe, like, there's, like... couple good videos on TikTok now. Those people are so weird. Most of it is fucking bizarre.

The Internet is ruining people's brains to the point where they hate things they love

It's such a weird concept to me to have the internet fuck your brain up so much that you can hate something you used to love. And I feel like that's how you get deep into the internet. You get to these people where it's like, how is this real world?

ESPN is ruining the UFC's broadcasting model

Fuck ESPN for what they're doing to the UFC. That's a dumb, stupid fucking model. Makes no sense where the fuck you put the fights. I can't buy it or you can't buy it and it's on Sling, but then you go to Sling and it played three hours earlier.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

Matthew Stafford is an elite sucky quarterback who cannot win a Super Bowl

There's the really good sucky quarterback. [Matthew] Stafford is a perfect... he is an elite sucky quarterback. But you're like, if you had to ask yourself, could Matt Stafford win a Super Bowl? Answers probably no. He's right on the edge of suck. That's why he's an elite sucky quarterback. Because it's like, if you put him in the right spot, everything could go perfectly.

Matthew Stafford is a Hall of Famer

Matt Stafford, by the way, still a Hall of Famer.

Matthew Stafford could win a Super Bowl if he wasn't on the Lions

I think [Stafford] could win a Super Bowl, too. Not on the Lions... but Matt Stafford in a vacuum could win a Super Bowl.

Roger Goodell should suspend Tom Brady for cliff diving with his daughter

It would be the ultimate troll move by Roger Goodell to suspend Tom Brady for one game after Tyreek Hill gets zero and just be like, hey, there's videotape... wouldn't be right, but it would be fucking funny.

Kirk Cousins is the most average quarterback of all time

Kirk Cousins, probably the most average quarterback that these two eyes have ever seen. He will beat every team that is less than 8-8, and he will lose to every team that is better than 8-8... you never expect him to do anything great, and guess what? He never does.

David Ross would be a great manager because modern baseball is about clubhouse management over X's and O's

I think the way that the manager position in baseball has moved to now, it's less about the X's and O's... It's a lot more about keeping a clubhouse together... and I think David Ross would be great at that aspect.

Adnan Syed probably killed Hae Min Lee

The point of that podcast [Serial] is to just inundate you with both sides of everything... The show would not be interesting if it was just very clear that he was railroaded... I think he probably did it. Yeah. All things being equal.

In The Sopranos finale, David Chase whacked the audience

I believe that David Chase actually whacked us. He whacked the audience because we're watching him and we go to black. We can't see any more of the story. So I think that we get killed.

Breaking Bad had the greatest TV show ending of all time

Breaking Bad would be like the best. I don't think it can get any better than that... Everything felt clear. His kids still get the money. Jesse gets away. He's the moral conscious. Hank does die, which I think at that point, he doesn't want to die. He needed to die.