Takes

Justify's Triple Crown should be vacated because the horse is a cheater

Justify is a cheater. The horse. I hope you're sitting down... Horse racing is not on the up and up. Justify tested positive for using a banned substance... As far as we know, Justify is guilty as sin, and his triple crown win should be, what, vacated? Are we doing that? I would like my money back.

Justify should be branded with an asterisk like cattle

You know what they should do? They should fucking brand him with an asterisk. Like a cattle brand. He's going to have to wear that on his hindquarters for the rest of his days.

A winning pitcher hugging a batter after a strikeout is a disgusting display of pity

This is disgusting. I would put one in that pitcher's ear hole next time he got up... That's a more disgusting move than pimping a home run. That's showing up your opponent more. Go up to him and be like, 'Hey, I'm going to give you a big hug because you can't handle this big loss.'

Kevin Durant can beat LeBron James one-on-one

I'd say [Durant] is the best player in the NBA right now. At his peak, I think he can beat LeBron. Yeah, I just said it. One-on-one.

Kevin Durant is the softest superstar of all time

But he [Durant] has to be the softest superstar of all time. LeBron does not get triggered. Kevin Durant had a burner account fucking responding to his own tweets. He literally goes on these podcasts and sounds so angry about everything... stop being such a baby all the time.

Russell Wilson is at the bottom of NFL coolness

Derek Carr is pretty much a great player, pretty lame dude. Way cooler than Russell Wilson. But to be chirping Russell Wilson and ball-busting Russell Wilson, Russell Wilson is actually at the bottom of NFL players when it comes to coolness.

Javi Baez is going to get a fastball in the ear hole for his showboating

I want to put one in Javi by his ear hole... and you better believe that he's going to get one in his ear hole soon. You see him he was like celebrating as he was tagging the other day... You don't go around another man's tag... Tebow's never been to—say what you want about Tim Tebow but he wouldn't showboat when he was getting to third base for the first time.

Autoplay videos are good because they remind you to close old browser tabs

I keep tabs open, about eight tabs at a time, and most of the tabs are open for about six hours. If you have an autoplay video that starts after three hours of me being on that website—it reminds me to close out the tab.

Mark Wahlberg leaving the Super Bowl early was a bad move

Marky Mark, Miami Heat fan slash New England Patriot fan. Left in, what, like 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter? Yeah, he left really early... how about you respect your favorite player, I assume, Tom Brady, and his ability to come back in a game. That's a bad look... that was a fucked up move for you to leave.

Tony Siragusa is a closeted actor

It sounds to me like he's [Tony Siragusa] got some pent-up latent actor tendencies. It's like homophobes are usually, secretly, they have homosexual tendencies. So it sounds like Tony's just a closeted actor. A closeted thespian.

When Ben Roethlisberger tries to play through injury, he actually ends up hurting the Steelers

Ben's a tough motherfucker. But at the end of the day, he always hurts his team. He was awful today. He threw two interceptions. He was 19 for 34, and they lost to the Dolphins.

NFL players putting 'Senior' on their jerseys is a 'sex brag'

I've been seeing way too many players out there that are putting senior on the back of their jerseys for one season after they have a kid... It's just blatant sex brags rubbing in your face. I think the NFL should blur it out.