Texas can never lose to Maryland in football

[Texas], you can't lose to Maryland in football. No, you can't do it. You can't.

Chip Kelly is house shopping in College Station to replace Kevin Sumlin

The fire of the hot seat got lit under Kevin Sumlin. So now Chip Kelly's driving his General Lee down to College Station. He's ready to go. He's house shopping. Rumor is his wife... no, no chance. Chip Kelly's married. His girlfriend's football. Chip Kelly's made up pretend girlfriend is now working with a realtor in College Station.

College football teams should never actually schedule Alabama; just have your fan base chant 'we want Bama' but don't play them

Don't schedule Alabama. Just have your fan base chant, we want Bama, but don't actually play Bama... Beating the best is way overrated. As a Wisconsin fan, it's way more fun to just beat Purdue and Iowa every year and then lose to Ohio State in the Big Ten championship... [sneaking] in the back door and then have everybody say, hey, you are the best... It's actually pretty fucking awesome.

19 of the teams in the NFL blow dick and have no shot of winning any games

I think there's such a disparity between great teams and horses shit teams. I think that 19 of the teams in the NFL blow Dick, they're fucking horrible. They have no shot of winning any games at all... the good teams are gonna be phenomenal and the bad teams are gonna be horrific.

The Detroit Lions will finish the season 1-16

I have the Detroit Lions going 1-15... excuse me 1-16... I'm gonna be rooting against him every fucking game for rest of my life because of Tom Kennedy... fuck them where they bring this scumbag back.

The Panthers will go 10-7 and have a great season

The Panthers? I have 10 and 7. I think they're gonna be great. 10 and 7 for the fucking Panthers? Yeah, that is great. I mean they win, they're winning every game going into the fourth quarter and then they self-destruct. [Baker] Mayfield... McCaffrey... they're gonna be great.