The Dodgers have already won the World Series after the trade deadline

The winners and losers of the trade deadline, the Dodgers have won it all. Just give them the trophy right now. You get Yu Darvish. Yeah.

Colin Kaepernick isn't being signed because his vegan diet makes him physically weak

I think that the reason [Kaepernick] is not being signed is because he's not taking care of his body. He's made up of plant proteins. Not animal proteins, and he's just not as... resilient. I've never seen a plant win a fight.

The government has already won the spying game because everyone willingly put Alexa listening devices in their homes

Big Brother, you thought that the government was going to start putting robots in our houses. They just flipped the script and they're like, everyone has to go buy those stupid Alexa things. And they willingly put it in their house. And now we've been spied on. And now it's over. If you buy an Alexa, you're done. It has your credit card information. You're done.

Manny Machado will end up playing for the New York Yankees

I think Machado ends up with the Yankees, and I think Harper goes to Philadelphia.

The Indians win the World Series if Jason Kipnis and Lonnie Chisenhall return to their top form

The Indians win a World Series if Jason Kipnis and Lonnie Chisenhall return to Chisenhall's first half and Kipnis what he was in 2016.

The Nationals win the World Series if Stephen Strasburg stays healthy

The Nats win the World Series if they have Strasburg. Simple. Open and shut.