The Dodgers have already won the World Series after the trade deadline

The winners and losers of the trade deadline, the Dodgers have won it all. Just give them the trophy right now. You get Yu Darvish. Yeah.

Colin Kaepernick isn't being signed because his vegan diet makes him physically weak

I think that the reason [Kaepernick] is not being signed is because he's not taking care of his body. He's made up of plant proteins. Not animal proteins, and he's just not as... resilient. I've never seen a plant win a fight.

The government has already won the spying game because everyone willingly put Alexa listening devices in their homes

Big Brother, you thought that the government was going to start putting robots in our houses. They just flipped the script and they're like, everyone has to go buy those stupid Alexa things. And they willingly put it in their house. And now we've been spied on. And now it's over. If you buy an Alexa, you're done. It has your credit card information. You're done.

Bryce Harper will eventually sign with the Philadelphia Phillies

If you were to ask me straight up, [Harper goes to] Philadelphia. Philadelphia... Because it's 212 feet to right field, 279 to center, and 175 feet to left. So he's thinking Hall of Fame.

Being a great clubhouse guy means having no ego and not intimidating teammates

I'll tell you what makes a great locker room guy: immediately when you're hung like the light switch in the off position. Got it. So I think that immediately lowers a lot of stuff... When you care about guys and truly care about them, you want guys to do well.

The Yankees win the World Series if Sonny Gray remains an ace

The Yankees win the World Series if your boy Sonny Gray stays at number one.