I officially called the Browns being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs back in August

I actually broke that news back in August. The second they announced RG3 as their starting quarterback... I said, okay, they've just clinched last place in the AFC. They've clinched the first draft pick, and they're mathematically eliminated right now.

Dak Prescott picking up his Gatorade cup proves he is a classy young man

How about Dak Prescott showing his leadership by picking up the cup of Gatorade that he tried to throw away? It's just a class act, a precocious, classy young man.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

The goal allowed by the US goalie was the most embarrassing possible

What about the goalie? Yeah, I mean he... that was the most embarrassing goal that I've ever seen. Possible.

The USMNT is the 'James Franklin Penn State' of soccer

People were making very mean jokes online that we were James Franklin, Penn State. And it is actually perfectly appropriate because if you look at who we played, we beat the teams we're supposed to beat... and then we absolutely got ass fucked by the team that was better than us in Belgium. We are not who we thought we were.

We just suck at soccer as a country and that's okay

My take is we suck at soccer and that's okay. Like, I don't care that we suck at soccer anymore. I'm going to root for the US team. I'm gonna get excited when we're in a World Cup. I'm gonna get hyped up and it's gonna be fun to watch. And then I'm gonna be reminded that we suck at soccer and that it's just gonna be like, okay, yeah, that's okay.