The US government should issue medals to everyone staying inside for quarantine

They should mail us medals for staying inside because we are saving lives. Great generation. This is our D-Day. They should just ship us as you create a new type of life-saving medal from the US government and send us like one every week so we can pin them to our shirts walk around feel good about it.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

Kevin Federline is the American dream

Kevin Federline [is] the American dream. Everything about Kevin Federline is something you should strive to do. You get married to a superstar in her field, you get a shitload of money, you wear jeans suits all the time, have three do-rags and a hat on at all times, and then you just live off the teat of being like a guest appearance on a reality show twice a year for the next 50 years.

Pigeons are the smartest birds because they live off human trash

Pigeons might be the smartest bird. There is one... they've essentially just over the years been like, Hey, you know where we should live? Right where the people leave their trash. We don't have to hunt for anything. We don't have to go fucking diving for worms and fish... Some guy's going to eat a calzone and not finish it and we're gonna finish it. So pigeons might be the smartest bird.

Barry Bonds could still play in the MLB and take a million walks because of fear

I think of that with Barry Bonds for sure. Barry Bonds I like He could just, he, he could show up and just be awesome and, and take like a million walks. 'cause people would fear him.

American air conditioning is the equivalent of 'Hunter Biden crack' for European visitors

I would imagine air conditioning for Europeans hits like crack. Like the best crack of all. Oh, hunter Biden crack. Yeah. That's like when we go over to, to Spain and we see a nude beach. Like that's, that, that feeling that we get over there is their feeling when they're walking into one of our buildings over here.