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Hunter Henry will not score a touchdown in the Super Bowl

The No Henry Lock of the week. Hunter Henry to not score a touchdown minus three 40... I call it no Henry.

Hunter Henry did NOT score a touchdown in Super Bowl LX. The 'No Henry' bet won.

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Giannis Antetokounmpo will never be traded

Giannis is never going to get traded. Everyone's hair's on fire, everyone's panicking and nothing ever happens. Giannis is never going to get traded.

Giannis remains with the Bucks as of current real-world knowledge.
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The Bulls mistimed every single trade during their rebuild

The Bulls traded everyone when the players were at their worst value. Like they, they mistimed every single trade. And this is going back to [Alex] Caruso, [Zach] LaVine, [Nikola] Vucevic... They basically were like, Hey, what would be the smartest time to trade 'em? Let's wait a year and then trade 'em.

The Bulls did wait long periods to move assets like Caruso and LaVine while their value fluctuated.
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The Wizards fleeced the Mavericks in the Anthony Davis trade

I think that this is a great trade for the Wizards. I do. I think this was an absolute fleecing of the Dallas Mavericks... The two first round picks aren't really two first round picks. We didn't give up two first round picks. We gave out one that's protected that we're gonna keep. And then there's another one that could end up being like the 30th pick.

The trade outcome is pending the 2026-27 season performance of Davis in DC.

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Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

It requires Garrett Bolles to record a touch before the end of his career; that has not been resolved here.
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The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

Whether Philadelphia's offense performs better without A.J. Brown is a season-level comparative claim and is not reliably resolved here.
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The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.

This is a deliberately satirical roster-building proposal, not a prediction that can be objectively graded.