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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Micah Parsons looks too small for a linebacker wearing number 11

Michael Parsons wearing number 11. It's going to take a lot of getting used to... I was watching it. I was like, this guy weighs 205 pounds and he's a linebacker. And then I looked up his stats and he's like 6'2" and 250 pounds. The 11 totally screwed me.

This is a subjective aesthetic opinion about jersey numbers.

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Loss
Aug 11, 2021
#14233
Big CatBig Cat

The Dallas Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl this year

I can't see a world that Dallas don't win at least 15 games and CD Lamb should be a first rounder and Amari Cooper should be a first rounder and Dak Prescott... should be a first rounder... they are going to win the Super Bowl.

The 2021 Cowboys won 12 games and lost in the Wild Card round to the 49ers. They did not win the Super Bowl or 15 games.
Push
Aug 11, 2021
#24800
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Ezekiel Elliott will return to his elite form this season because he finally has his six-pack back

Zeke is going to be back to physique this year... the dude has the six pack back. He doesn't have the belly anymore. physique-iel Elliott. He looks skinny. He looks, it looks very skinny.

Elliott rushed for 1,002 yards and 10 TDs in 2021. While a solid season, it was not a return to his league-leading 'elite' form from his first few seasons.
Void
Aug 11, 2021
#14235
Big CatBig Cat

A head coach finding out their star quarterback is injured is the most devastating news possible

I need every head coach to be miked up when they get that type of news, because it is absolutely devastating. It's like stuff... I'm talking, you could tell them their family just got kidnapped and they'd be like, all right, well, we'll figure out after practice, but [the trainer] walking up being like, 'Hey, it's a muscular thing. We don't know.'

Subjective hyperbole about the relative importance of football vs personal life for NFL coaches.

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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

It requires Garrett Bolles to record a touch before the end of his career; that has not been resolved here.
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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

Whether Philadelphia's offense performs better without A.J. Brown is a season-level comparative claim and is not reliably resolved here.
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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.

This is a deliberately satirical roster-building proposal, not a prediction that can be objectively graded.