Jalen Carter is a dirty player who tried to injure Jordan Love

The grass had nothing to do with that injury. You can blame Jalen Carter for being dirty, dirty player. Trying to injure people. Yeah. I think that would be the more the blame.

Caleb Williams' debut performance was really bad but doesn't matter since the Bears won

The Bears are one and oh, they did not score an offensive touchdown. Caleb Williams looks really bad, but the Bears are one and oh and I don't give a fuck. Well, I do actually care a little bit because I really wish he had played better because he was not good.

The Arizona Cardinals are officially a fun watch team this year

The Cardinals are gonna be my official, this is just a fun watch team because Kyler looked awesome. Their defense is not great. They didn't even get Marvin Harrison going. James Conner is still the angriest, most upright runner that God ever created and yeah, I think they're just officially a fun team to watch.

JMU may not win again until the dog-poop bettor returns

JMU probably won't win another football game until that guy logs back on.

The Wizards are a one-through-eight seed team

I feel confident in my one through eight seed. Love that for the Wiz.

The Falcons can expose the 49ers defense

They might not actually be as good as we think they are on defense. I don't hate the Falcons at all in this game.