Jim Crane's apology somehow made the Astros' cheating scandal significantly worse

The Houston Astros have finally faced the media and I think they somehow made it significantly worse. They're all forgiven. This was a great apology. ... The fact that the owner [Jim Crane] went out there and basically put his foot in his mouth right off the bat and said like, 'yeah we cheated, but the cheating didn't make us win the World Series.' Not a big deal.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer now that he had LASIK surgery

The guy threw for 30/30 and 5,000 yards and he's blind—or was blind. I know we joke about being a future Hall of Famer, but just think about this. Jameis Winston got LASIK surgery and he can finally see. Next stop, Canton.

I might get an NFL call-up as a 'camp leg' based on my XFL kicking film

I'm also thinking that there's an outside chance that with what I've put on film already and what I will continue to put on film, maybe I get a call for a training camp for an NFL team. Maybe I'm a camp leg... They need camp legs. I'm not worse than Vinatieri. I'm a better kicker than the greatest kicker of all time.

I will never learn my lesson and will continue to believe in the Houston Cougars for the next four years

If you think this is going to deter me from believing in the Houston Cougars for the next four years, you are sadly mistaken. I will never learn my lesson when it comes to this team.

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday because he has enough people sucking his dick

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday by the way. Fuck, fuck that guy. He's got enough people to suck his dick and wish him a happy birthday. Awful announcing quote that. I hope I do it again next year.

Nate Oats would not be a great fit at UNC

I don't think he'd be a great fit there. Would people be talking about Nate Oats as much for this job if he didn't wear those jackets? They feel like Carolina jackets. It feels like he's been accepting people into anticipating him being the next UNC coach for a while.