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Win
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

There will be no doinked field goals or extra points in Super Bowl 58

No fucking doinks. Oh no doinks. We're running it back. I got doinked big time last year and I just realized I'm talking about Moody and even his makes are close to being misses. And also last year it was Butker. But he's a good kicker. There's no chance he double doinks. No chance. So what I'm doing is I'm going to have my vengeance on the doink from last year. And I'm going to double my bet this year and go, no doinks.

There were no doinks in Super Bowl 58.

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Win
Feb 9, 2024
#7272
Big CatBig Cat

The Chiefs defense is better than people realize and Steve Spagnuolo will put on a masterclass in the Super Bowl

I think the Chiefs defense is better than people realize. And I think Spags [Steve Spagnuolo] is going to put on a masterclass... Mahomes is Mahomes. And there's just so many things that I just keep going back to like the Chiefs. They've just been there, done that. They know how to win these games.

The Chiefs defense held the high-powered 49ers to 19 points in regulation and 22 total in an OT win. Spagnuolo was widely praised for his game plan.
Win
Feb 9, 2024
#7274
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Kyle Shanahan might not be a 'clutch' coach

I was like, can a coach be clutch? You don't normally hear about coaches being clutch. Maybe Kyle Shanahan's just not clutch.

Shanahan lost another Super Bowl after leading in the fourth quarter and overtime, further fueling this specific narrative.
Loss
Feb 9, 2024·Picks
#21706
HankHank

At least one punt in Super Bowl 58 will result in a touchback

Will any punt result in a touchback? ... I'll be loading up, unloading the clip, emptying the clip, putting it all on this one prop. ... There's gonna be a fucking touchback on one of these punts for sure.

There were 11 punts in Super Bowl 58, but zero resulted in a touchback.

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Open
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

It requires Garrett Bolles to record a touch before the end of his career; that has not been resolved here.
Open
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

Whether Philadelphia's offense performs better without A.J. Brown is a season-level comparative claim and is not reliably resolved here.
Void
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.

This is a deliberately satirical roster-building proposal, not a prediction that can be objectively graded.