Takes

Lucky Whitehead will sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl

It's very clear that Lucky Whitehead's probably going to sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl ring. And we're all just going to be like, 'What the fuck?' I hope that happens.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

A real American stays inside on Sunday and watches the Pro Bowl

Hey, you know what it means to be a real American? You stay inside on Sunday and you watch the Pro Bowl. Yeah, you watch the Pro Bowl. You bet on the Pro Bowl. That's what an American does.

Tim Tebow only quit football because of the NFL's crackdown on Adderall

So the NFL starts suspending players for taking Adderall, and Tim Tebow quits football entirely to go to baseball. I think he's just on Adderall all the time... we think Tim Tebow's thing is he is just straight up on copious amounts of Adderall all the time. Because he keeps changing. I'm going to be a football player... then I'm going to be on ESPN... then I'm going to play baseball.

Brock Osweiler should donate $25,000 to charity for every interception he throws

My other piece of advice would be... He's got a lot of money. Start a charity where every time he throws an interception, he donates like $25,000 to a charity. And then people can't get mad at him for interceptions. Or else you're basically killing children.

Chad Kelly should legally change his name to Swag Kelly

Legally change your name to Swag. No way that will ever backfire when you're out of the NFL selling car insurance in bumfuck Mississippi. You will be Swag Kelly for life and you're good.

NFL teams will view Johnny Manziel as a nerd for playing Pokemon Go

Manziel was at a club. ... But he was playing Pokemon inside a club. And this is a pretty bad look for Johnny. ... well now NFL teams are going to be like, we don't want to hire him. He's a nerd.

Johnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader

My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.

Johnny Manziel should claim he has diarrhea to fix his reputation

The PR coming out of this is he just says when he comes back that he's got massive diarrhea from Mexico... if you just say explicitly like I've got diarrhea to your boss, your boss is going to be like, yeah, okay, don't go down that road with me. Johnny comes back... and he tells everybody, hey, guys. Sorry. The Montezuma's revenge.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

NFL owners might have murdered Roger Goodell and faked a hack to test public reaction

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... Expect Roger Goodell to maybe actually be murdered by – I don't know. Let's call it the Rooneys and the Maras over the course of the next couple of months.

Chris Jones should be immune to traffic tickets because of his Combine incident

I feel like if you're the guy whose dick broke through his shorts just because he's running too fast you got to get a carte blanche on driving with a suspended license... I've got to side with Chris Jones on this and not the Police Lives Matter crew.

Chris Jones should embrace his NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction and market himself as the 'big dick guy'

I think he needs to just run with us and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a big dick... show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight [jeans]... capitalize on it and market himself as the big dick guy. Like he's, there's money to be made out there.