Takes

Tom Brady's 'We Will Win' texts are the most confidence-inducing messages in the world

The story that came out that Tom Brady texted his entire team every night the week leading up to the Super Bowl just saying, we will win. And I have to imagine that's got to be – like in terms of text messages you can get, that has to be the single most confidence-inducing text message you can get from anyone at any point in your life.

The only way to sustain Super Bowl runs in the NFL is to funnel money through a quarterback's side business

The only way you can do that [sustain Super Bowl runs] is if your star quarterback has an alleged money laundering operation that's taking place as his company behind the scenes that you can funnel money to instead of spending cap hits on that.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

Tom Brady has more Super Bowls than 18 NFL franchises combined

Tom Brady has more Super Bowls than the Bears, Jets, Saints, Rams, Seahawks, Eagles, Bills, Vikings, Bengals, Panthers, Falcons, Chargers, Titans, Cardinals, Browns, Lions, Texans, Jaguars combined. That's 18 teams combined. More than half of the league, and he has more Super Bowls than those 18 teams, 18 franchises combined.

The Patriots were holding Tom Brady back

You do have to ask if the Patriots were holding [Brady] back, Hank. You get him and Gronk into a system that centers itself around making plays between your quarterback and your tight end, and all of a sudden he's blowing teams out, blowing out one of the best quarterbacks of all time, Patrick Mahomes, in the Super Bowl.

I would not bet the under on Tom Brady winning more than 7.5 career Super Bowls

He's now three years, two years later, and he just won another one. And he could do it again, and he's still going to come back. And I wouldn't bet on it. If you put a line out there right now, Tom Brady over seven and a half Super Bowls in his career, I wouldn't bet the under.

Antonio Brown will be arrested this summer

Antonio Brown is going to get arrested so hard this summer. It's going to be like the summer of Lindsay Lohan for him. Unbelievable. Let's get the narrative, the redemption narrative, going ahead of time for Antonio Brown.

Patrick Mahomes' matrix incompletion was one of the best Super Bowl passes ever

He made the three best passes in this game. He made a matrix pass. Maybe three passes that would be the best passes of all time. ... The hipster reply in 10 years when someone's like, quote tweet this with the best Super Bowl pass you've ever seen. Yeah, I saw it. Didn't count. It was actually a turnover on downs. Hit his receiver in the face.

Patrick Mahomes will have surgery on his foot

I think [Mahomes] is probably going to have surgery on that foot. ... The turf toe reared its ugly head a little bit. I'm serious. He was not able to scramble as effectively. He looked slower. He looked hobbled. He didn't step into that many throws.

Bears GM Ryan Pace constantly bids against himself in negotiations

Some of these reports about the Bears treating a fucking first, maybe even two first-round picks for Carson Wentz, no one out-negotiates themselves quite like Ryan Pace. There's nobody else that's bidding that high. Anywhere close to that high. He bids against himself.

The San Francisco 49ers are a great value bet to win the next Super Bowl

I'll tell you what my pick is. San Francisco 49ers 14-1. ... I'm just looking for a team with a good coach, good defense. There's tons of injuries. [They] should be interesting.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

If Tom Brady wins Super Bowl 55, he is the greatest athlete of all time over Michael Jordan

If Tom Brady wins the Super Bowl, is he then the greatest GOAT of all time? ... they're saying, like, that would put him over Jordan. And I do think that that counts.

I'm betting the over on a half-interception for Tom Brady in the Super Bowl

Tom Brady over a half of an interception. So he's got to throw one. I think he's going to throw – I think Tom Brady's going to play well, but I also think he's going to take his shots.

Tails never fails on the Super Bowl coin toss

I usually go with tails never fails. ... It's tails. I'm betting tails. There you go. Tails never fails.

I am betting the biggest bet of my life on the Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl

You're going biggest bet of your life on the Bucs responsibly? Yep. I packed the vest. That's all you need to know. ... The man of vests is in the building.

The Chiefs defense has the advantage over the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl because of their speed

I'm going to say the Chiefs defense. ... very few defenses are going to be as fast as this Chiefs offense. ... I think the Chiefs defensive backs match up better from an athletic standpoint against these Bucs receivers. ... I give the slight advantage to the Chiefs because of complexity and because of who they're facing.

Marshall Faulk was both the best and most important player on the Greatest Show on Turf Rams

If there was one guy that changed the complexion of everything that we did, it was Marshall Faulk. ... he was such a distinct mismatch. ... he was, A, the best player on our team. So he was the best player, but he was also the most important.

The Chiefs will beat the Buccaneers by double digits in Super Bowl 55

I am going with the Chiefs in this one. ... I will say that it will be a double-digit win for the Chiefs. ... I will put the Chiefs as mid-30s and the Bucs probably kind of mid-20s. ... 60-some, 65-point range.

I am starting to lean toward betting on the Bucs in Super Bowl LV because Tom Brady is alone and focused

The tweet that I saw, Tom Brady has had the house to himself with his family out of town. It'll be 12 days of preparation alone. He said he's never had that much time to prepare his mind and body before... That got in my head, and I was like, wait, what? He has how much time? He's never had this much time? Uh-oh. I'm starting to like the Bucs.

Tom Brady's family being out of the house is actually bad because it takes him out of his rhythm

I don't like that. It takes him out of his rhythm. Aaron Rodgers hasn't had his family in his house for years, and look where that got him last week.

I am 100% betting on the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl and might put a 'nuclear missile' on it

I'm 1,000% betting the Bucs. I'm betting the Chiefs. Not a doubt in my mind. [Correction] I mean, Bucs, Bucs, Bucs, Bucs. I'm 100% betting the Chiefs. I'm probably going to put a nuclear missile on it.

Tom Brady will uncover a game-winning play in the fourth quarter because of his extra film study

That means that he's going to uncover something that he never saw and it's going to come out in like the fourth quarter and then Peter King's going to fucking masturbate onto a piece of paper being like Tom Brady found this in our, you know, 746 of sitting in his Tampa Derek Jeter's house by himself.

Kelsey first touchdown in the Super Bowl is a great bet at 7-1 odds

Super Bowl prop, Kelce, first touchdown. That guy's ridiculous. I mean, you go over seven and a half receptions. He has eight with six minutes left in the second quarter. So he's getting shovel passes, bowling ball passes from the two-yard line. I like that at 7-1 or 7-5.

Bet on clear Gatorade for the Super Bowl shower

I go clear. People are showing mercy on their coaches lately, and they're pouring water instead of the sticky stuff. If you can find clear, go for it.

Passively watching the Pro Bowl is the football equivalent of the Masters for napping

The Pro Bowl really was like... The football equivalent of the Masters in terms of a great nap day, like a wonderful nap Sunday was watching neither offense or defensive line really get out of the three-point stances at all.

The Rams must win a Super Bowl in the next two years for the Stafford trade to be worth the lack of first-round picks

The Rams' window feels like it's pretty small here, and they have to kind of win a Super Bowl in the next two years before the fact that they haven't had a first-round draft pick in seven years is going to catch up.

The Matthew Stafford trade lowered the market price for Deshaun Watson

Judging off my newfound expertise in the stock market, they'll look at this as being like, wow, that's one less buyer that we could have. So I guess the price is going down on Deshaun.

The Matthew Stafford trade is a home run for the Detroit Lions

The Lions' perspective from this, it was a home run for them in the fact that they are trying to fully rebuild now instead of half rebuild... I think it's a home run for the Lions. I think they did the right thing.

Mitchell Trubisky will be very good as soon as he leaves the Bears

He is going to get really good wherever he goes [next].

The Patriots cheated the Jaguars in the 2017 AFC Championship game

I'm like, Tom, you a fucking cheater. You a cheater... I said, I know what happened. Y'all cheated us.

Christian McCaffrey is as good as the hype suggested in college

I never seen Christian play a day in my life, right? So I seen him play in the Rose Bowl. I said, you know what? He's nice. He's nice, nice. I thought it was hyping him up, but he has catch, he's fast, he can block. He does it all.

David Cully is just a stopgap hire to get to Josh McCown

My favorite conspiracy is that I'm seeing this report as being a stopgap to get them to Josh McCown as their head coach... They're saying that David Cully is going to be the interim head coach.

David Cully's coaching history is a major red flag

He was a wide receivers coach in the NFL from 1994 to 2010. That feels like a long time to be a wide receivers coach and not get a promotion. So he's an expert.

Deshaun Watson is ruining the team he wants to be traded to

You're essentially saying, I want to be traded to a team that then will give up a bunch of draft capital and then hurt my ability to play for a winning team. In a way, yeah. He's almost kind of shitting in his own house and then buying the house.

No team should trade four first-round picks for Deshaun Watson

I think that you would be screwing yourself so royally over for the future if you give up four first-round picks... I wouldn't do it for four.

I would never trade Patrick Mahomes for anything

I wouldn't trade Patrick Mahomes for anything. I mean, you're pretty much guaranteeing that you're going to the AFC Championship game for the next, like, 15 years.

Aaron Rodgers is staying with the Packers because it is his destiny to torture me for another decade

I knew deep down [Rodgers] wasn't going anywhere because I think it's destiny for Aaron Rodgers to torture my soul for another decade. I think he'll just be there forever. And every time that I start to think he's getting old, he'll be like, oh, here's another MVP.

I am considering making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady in the Super Bowl

I was thinking about making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady before we left Detroit. But I was like, I'm going to wait two weeks and think it out. But I think that's where I'm going to end up.

The Bears should trade for Matthew Stafford

What do you want for your birthday? Let's get you Matt Stafford. I would take that. Absolutely.

Matt LaFleur's decision to kick a field goal on 4th and goal was the most cowardly move ever

The most cowardice field goal of all time. Matt LaFleur, I do not understand what you're doing. The decision to kick a field goal with two 10 to 15 left, three timeouts down eight on the seven yard line fourth and goal so that you can seemingly go from down one score to down one score... was so beyond.

The torch for the worst fourth down field goal decision has passed from Dan Quinn to Matt LaFleur

The Packers are the first team to attempt a field goal when trailing by four to eight points in the final three minutes of a game since Dan Quinn did that on November 8th, 2015. So I think today is the day. It is officially the torch. The torch has been passed. It is now a Matt LaFleur.

Todd Bowles is a top 8 coach in the NFL

I'm taking out my take that I retired like three years ago. Todd Bowles, great coach. Todd Bowles, top eight coach in the NFL.

Aaron Rodgers clearly wants out of Green Bay

One last Packers note, Aaron Rodgers clearly wants out of Green Bay. I'm pretty sure Aaron Rodgers is going to be back on the Packers next year. I don't know.

Tom Brady has lost a step of quickness in the pocket

I don't know if it's the arm strength, by the way. I think his arm strength is almost still there. It's weirdly like his quickness in the pocket. I think that has lost a tiny little step that makes it a little harder for the throws.

The Chiefs can flip the switch whenever they want

Whoops I fucked up like the Chiefs are so fucking good and yes guess what turns out they can flip the switch they can flip it whenever they want it doesn't really matter... they broke the Switch tonight.

The only way to beat the Chiefs is to assault them with deadly weapons

The only way to beat the Chiefs is to actually assault them all with deadly weapons. Someone needs to die. And until that happens, I don't see how the Bucs beat them.

I am betting on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl

I'm not going to make the same mistake. I'm going to bet on the Chiefs. My bet is the Chiefs.

Three Super Bowl titles is the threshold for a dynasty

I think dynasty is always three of four or three in a row. You need to win three titles to have official claim of a dynasty or decade. I think that's fair.